What It Means When A Man Tells You To Get Pregnant Before He Marries You

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It’s not just an insult for a man to tell a woman to get pregnant for him before he marries her but also disrespect to the lady and her family, a sin to God. You can’t stop men from asking for that and you can’t force them to respect you, but you can definitely refuse to be disrespected. Let him go, God will bless you with what you want by running away from sin.

“We are taught to have nothing to do with that which is against God. We are to have nothing to do with the desires of this world. We are to be wise and to be right with God. We are to live God-like lives in this world” – Titus 2:12 (NLV). If you want to enjoy the blessings of marriage then you have to enter through the gate the Creator wants, which is holiness. Don’t start your marital journey on the foundation of sin, such marriages cannot stand the test of times.

If he is asking for pregnancy before marriage then there is a possibility he doesn’t love you, he is selfish and only wants to use you as an incubator. After the baby, he is likely to stay in love with the child, develop a relationship with the child but not with you as the mother.

It also means he doesn’t trust you; he doesn’t see you as a woman who is fruitful, a relationship with such a person won’t work. Why will you trust someone who doesn’t believe in you, who doubts you, who wants to experiment with your life, who sees you as a sample?

Most at times, we see all these dangers but we just choose to suffer, we ignore the red flags and proceed thinking the results will be different. The number one need of every woman is security; you need to be safe with this man, feel secure with him as a husband before you think of having babies with him. It is the only way you are sure he is committed to you.

The only way to know where a man’s heart is, is to know where his mind goes, what he thinks about, what he confesses. If he is talking about having a child and not marriage, it simply means you are not a need to him as a wife but a “baby giver”. What he needs is a child, and proof of that will push him into marriage with you. Such a man can easily take the child and leave you any day, at any time. “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be” – Matthew 6:21 (NLT).

The greatest gift you can give any child is a family, not a father or a mother. You only get families from a marriage and not from becoming pregnant for a man. Our lives start and end with the family; if you both love the child you want to bring to this world, then first give the child the solid foundation of a family by getting married first before having thoughts of a baby.

In conclusion “God blesses those people who want to obey him more than to eat or drink. They will be given what they want!” – Matthew 5:6 (CEV).

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

The first time I had a pregnancy scare it was the second week of the first year at university.

What I Own: Tristan, 26, who paid a £11,500 deposit for a three-bedroom home in Strood

My new friend (now an old friend and erstwhile bridesmaid) had walked 45 minutes each way with me to find somewhere which would sell me a pregnancy test. She’d then sat with me while I psyched myself up to take the test, and lit me a celebratory cigarette when it only displayed one line.

The potential father’s only involvement in this whole hoopla was a text which read ‘Oh, that’s good’ when I messaged him to let him know that he wasn’t about to become a father.

Now, I should probably have realised then and there that anyone who treats a pregnancy scare as you just trying to ‘get attention’ isn’t long term relationship material.

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Obviously because I was 19 and thought I knew everything, I did not pause to think about that.

Years later, I had another pregnancy scare. I have them quite a lot because I’m a hypochondriac but this was a real two weeks late, low level nausea, please don’t let me be knocked up one. Now I don’t like to over praise my husband because it’s not good for him, but the way that he reacted left me in no doubt that he was The One.

(Picture: Irene Palacio for Metro.co.uk)

He was clearly panicked. We’d only been going out a couple of months, I was 11 years younger than him, 23 years old and totally not in a position to have a fish, let alone a baby. But did he freak out? Hell no.

He offered to pay for the pregnancy test (I declined, I like to buy a specific Sainsburys one because it’s always yielded a very reassuring result), and he sat outside the bathroom while I took it.

Offering to pay for a pregnancy test – or at least go halves – is an important part of being a bloke. Ditto the morning after pill. It shows that you’re responsible, that you’re aware that sex has consequences for both of you and it’s kind of sexy.

Anyway, back to North London in 2014, where I’m sitting on a bathroom floor reading a 3 week old copy of Heat and waiting for the alarm on my phone to go off. It beeps. I look at the stick. I’m not pregnant. I burst out of the bathroom to tell my boyfriend that I am devoid of parasitical human life, and he looked relieved, but not too relieved.

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There’s something a bit insulting about a guy who wants to get a pinata and throw a parade because you’re not about to procreate.

‘That’s good news’ he said. ‘At least for now.’

10/10 reply. I suspect he might have read it in GQ, because I pretty much melted.

It was the perfect response. It didn’t imply that having children with me would be a train wreck of a life choice, while being honest about being relieved. So boys, however relieved you are, please don’t act like you’ve just been given a pardon on death row. It’s kind of rude.

It should go without saying that getting angry about a pregnancy scare is unforgivable, but sadly it does happen. I’ve known dozens of women whose husbands or boyfriends or f**k buddies have actually shouted at them.

‘He told me I had been irresponsible’ Louisa*, 28 told me. ‘He literally shouted at me. He said I couldn’t understand how stressful it was for him.’

(Picture: Irene Palacio for Metro.co.uk)

You’ll be shocked to hear that Louisa and her partner broke up shortly after.

Of course a pregnancy scare is frightening for a man as well as for a woman.

They’ve got less control over the situation because it’s not their body who is going to be playing host. But here’s the thing: the less of a dick you are about an unplanned pregnancy, the more likely you are to be consulted about what happens.


If you scream, shout and accuse the woman of being irresponsible and trying to trap you into fatherhood, she’s a whole lot less inclined to take your opinions in to consideration.

Also, just because you don’t want to have a child with this person right now doesn’t mean that you never will. Acting childish and petty over a pregnancy scare is not going to make a woman think that you’re father material, right now or in the future.

So if you’re dating someone who behaves badly during a pregnancy scare, please take a moment to think about how they’ll act during other important, stressful life experiences. If he can’t keep it together for this, will he be much of a support system to you during a bereavement or job loss?

Probably not. And here’s the thing: we all deserve to be in a relationship with someone who can support us at those most fraught, frightening times.

*Names changed.

MORE: What is hyperemesis gravidarum? The condition Kate Middleton suffers during pregnancy

MORE: 5 women reveal their experiences of a difficult pregnancy

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I am 38 and accidentally pregnant. It turns out my boyfriend does not ever want children, never mind after just a few months of dating; he wants me to have an abortion. I am pro-choice and not attached to what has begun to grow inside me. I had hoped to fall in love with a man and have a child with him, but I am well aware that I’m running out of time. While I’m apparently quite fertile, as time goes on the odds of getting pregnant get tougher, and there are enormous costs in egg freezing and/or I.V.F. For these reasons, I’m leaning heavily toward having the baby. My boyfriend is disturbed, angry and upset that I would have his baby ‘‘against his will,’’ as he put it. The point being, I think, that I can find another guy or get inseminated, so it’s not fair to have his baby because of my biological-clock concerns. I’ve read a lot about the ethics of expecting him to be involved or pay for support if he doesn’t want the child but not about whether it’s O.K. to choose to have the child at all.

I told him he can, guilt-free, have no involvement, but that’s not the issue for him. Are there ethical implications to consider here, especially because it is technically half his — he’s not a sperm donor who chose to let someone have his baby and not be involved — and I’m not against abortion (and have seriously considered it)? If it matters, he thought I was on birth control (but never asked, and I had requested that he use a condom once before), so he didn’t think he was having unprotected sex. Name Withheld

Let’s start with your startling last sentence. It is, to put it mildly, unwise for a fertile heterosexual couple to have intercourse without discussing whether either is using contraceptives. (For that matter, it’s unwise to have unprotected sex under any circumstances, unless you are both sure of the health status of the other party and you are in a monogamous relationship.) That you never had this conversation is not your fault alone. Men have often left the management of birth control to women, but this habit is neither fair nor prudent. Although your boyfriend doesn’t want you to have this baby, he had it in his power to try to make sure the pregnancy didn’t happen. Part of his anger may derive from the notion that you deliberately misled him, in order to try to entrap him with the child. It is an uncharitable thought, yet not an unfamiliar one. And it matters that he shares responsibility for the current impasse.

There are practical and legal consequences to consider. I’m not a lawyer, but as a general rule, a father must help support a child even if he didn’t want it. Otherwise every deadbeat dad could claim to be an unwilling one. And of course, he cannot force you to have an abortion. (I am not going to consider the question of whether abortion is morally permissible: You think it is, and I respect that view.) It’s worth noting, however, that your boyfriend’s reasons for not wanting a child are probably more than financial. Therefore, promising not to ask for child support won’t really meet his objections. He may well recognize that once he has a biological child, he will be partly responsible for it, even if he agreed to neither the pregnancy nor the birth. And because you have no idea what your future life course will be, you can’t be certain you will never require his help: Suppose, for example, your child one day needs a bone-marrow transplant and your boyfriend is likely to be the best donor. Then, too, an ongoing relationship with you would involve a relationship with your child. In a variety of ways, having the baby entails conditions and obligations that he doesn’t want.

In This Section

  • How Pregnancy Happens
  • What are some tips for getting pregnant?

How does pregnancy happen?

In order for pregnancy to happen, sperm needs to meet up with an egg. Pregnancy officially starts when a fertilized egg implants in the lining of the uterus. It takes up to 2-3 weeks after sex for pregnancy to happen.

How do people get pregnant?

Pregnancy is actually a pretty complicated process that has several steps. It all starts with sperm cells and an egg.

Sperm are microscopic cells that are made in testicles. Sperm mixes with other fluids to make semen (cum), which comes out of the penis during ejaculation. Millions and millions of sperm come out every time you ejaculate — but it only takes 1 sperm cell to meet with an egg for pregnancy to happen.

Eggs live in ovaries, and the hormones that control your menstrual cycle cause a few eggs to mature every month. When your egg is mature, it means it’s ready to be fertilized by a sperm cell. These hormones also make the lining of your uterus thick and spongy, which gets your body ready for pregnancy.

About halfway through your menstrual cycle, one mature egg leaves the ovary — called ovulation — and travels through the fallopian tube towards your uterus.

The egg hangs out for about 12-24 hours, slowly moving through the fallopian tube, to see if any sperm are around.

If semen gets in the vagina, the sperm cells can swim up through the cervix and uterus and into the fallopian tubes, looking for an egg. They have up to 6 days to find an egg before they die.

When a sperm cell joins with an egg, it’s called fertilization. Fertilization doesn’t happen right away. Since sperm can hang out in your uterus and fallopian tube for up to 6 days after sex, there’s up to 6 days between sex and fertilization.

If a sperm cell does join up with your egg, the fertilized egg moves down the fallopian tube toward the uterus. It begins to divide into more and more cells, forming a ball as it grows. The ball of cells (called a blastocyst) gets to the uterus about 3–4 days after fertilization.

The ball of cells floats in the uterus for another 2–3 days. If the ball of cells attaches to the lining of your uterus, it’s called implantation — when pregnancy officially begins.

Implantation usually starts about 6 days after fertilization, and takes about 3-4 days to complete. The embryo develops from cells on the inside of the ball. The placenta develops from the cells on the outside of the ball.

When a fertilized egg implants in the uterus, it releases pregnancy hormones that prevent the lining of your uterus from shedding — that’s why people don’t get periods when they’re pregnant. If your egg doesn’t meet up with sperm, or a fertilized egg doesn’t implant in your uterus, the thick lining of your uterus isn’t needed and it leaves your body during your period. Up to half of all fertilized eggs naturally don’t implant in the uterus — they pass out of your body during your period.

What are early pregnancy symptoms?

Many people notice symptoms early in their pregnancy, but others may not have any symptoms at all.

Common signs and symptoms of pregnancy can include:

  • Missed period

  • Swollen or tender breasts

  • Nausea and/or vomiting

  • Feeling tired

  • Bloating

  • Constipation

  • Peeing more often than usual

Some early pregnancy symptoms can sometimes feel like other common conditions (like PMS). So the only way to know for sure if you’re pregnant is to take a pregnancy test You can either take a home pregnancy test (the kind you buy at the drug or grocery store), or get a pregnancy test at your doctor’s office or local Planned Parenthood Health Center.

How do people get pregnant with twins?

There are 2 ways that twins can happen. Identical twins are made when 1 already-fertilized egg splits into 2 separate embryos. Because identical twins come from the same sperm and egg, they have the same genetic material (DNA) and look exactly alike.

Non-identical twins (also called “fraternal” twins), are made when two separate eggs are fertilized by two separate sperm, and both fertilized eggs implant in the uterus. This can happen if your ovaries release more than one egg, or during certain kinds of fertility treatments. Non-identical twins have completely different genetic material (DNA), and usually don’t look alike. They’re the most common type of twin.

What is gestational age?

The term “gestational age” basically means how far along into a pregnancy you are. Gestational age is counted by starting with the first day of your last menstrual period (called LMP).

Gestational age can be kind of confusing, since it measures pregnancy from your last period — about 3-4 weeks BEFORE you’re actually pregnant. Common knowledge about pregnancy says it lasts 9 months, and it’s true that you’re usually pregnant for about 9 months. But the way pregnancy is measured makes it a little longer. A typical full-term pregnancy ranges from 38-42 weeks LMP — around 10 months.

Many people can’t remember the exact date of their last menstrual period — that’s totally okay. Your nurse or doctor can find out the gestational age using an ultrasound.

More questions from patients:

Can you get pregnant from precum?

Your chances of getting pregnant from precum are pretty low. But it is possible.

Precum (also known as pre-ejaculate) is a small amount of fluid that comes out of the penis when you’re aroused, but before ejaculation happens. It doesn’t usually have any sperm in it. But some people’s precum does have a small amount of sperm in it sometimes. This means sperm can get into the vagina and possibly fertilize an egg.

There’s no way to know who has sperm in their precum and who doesn’t, so that’s one reason why the withdrawal method (pulling out) isn’t the best at preventing pregnancy.

If you don’t want to get pregnant, put on a condom before your genitals touch your partner’s. Even better, use both condoms and another kind of birth control together.

What are the stages of pregnancy?

Pregnancy lasts about 40 weeks. The stages of pregnancy are divided into 3 trimesters. Each trimester is a little longer than 13 weeks.

You’ll go through many changes during each trimester. Some people feel lots of discomfort. Others don’t feel much at all.

During the first trimester, you’ll probably have lots of body changes, including:

  • Tiredness

  • Tender, swollen breasts

  • Morning sickness

  • Cravings or distaste for certain foods

  • Mood swings

  • Constipation

  • Needing to pee more often

  • Headache

  • Heartburn

  • Weight gain or loss

Most of these symptoms go away when you get to the second trimester. This is when your belly gets bigger and you’ll feel the fetus move. You may also notice:

  • Body aches

  • Stretch marks

  • Darkening of your areolas

  • A line on your skin running from your belly button to pubic bone

  • Patches of darker skin

  • Numb or tingling hands

  • Itching on your abdomen, palms, and feet

  • Swelling of your ankles, fingers, or face

In the third trimester, some of the same symptoms may continue. You may also experience:

  • Shortness of breath

  • Needing to pee even more often

  • Hemorrhoids

  • Your breasts leaking a watery pre-milk called colostrum

  • Your belly button sticking out

  • Trouble sleeping

  • The baby “dropping” or moving lower in your abdomen

  • Contractions

If you aren’t sure if your symptoms are normal, call your doctor or midwife or visit your local Planned Parenthood health center.

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For the best chance of getting pregnant, you need to get your eggs and your partner’s sperm together as often as possible.

More than 8 out of 10 couples where the woman is aged under 40 will get pregnant within one year if they have regular unprotected sex. More than 9 out of 10 couples will get pregnant within two years.

Regular, unprotected sex means having sex every 2 to 3 days without using contraception.

You don’t need to time having sex only around ovulation, though it is helpful to know when you are ovulating. Having vaginal sex every 2 to 3 days will give you the best chance of getting pregnant. Sperm can live for 2 to 3 days and this means there will always be fresh sperm in your system when you ovulate (release an egg).

Remember it’s important for you and your partner to try and keep sex enjoyable by concentrating on each other and your relationship, rather than worrying about conceiving. This will help you limit stress.

Are you ready to conceive? Use our tool to find out.

How does pregnancy start?

Your cycle starts on the first day of your period and continues up to the first day of your next period.

This is what happens during the cycle and the start of a pregnancy.

  • Eggs mature in your ovaries once a month.
  • The lining of your womb starts to get thicker to prepare for fertilised eggs.
  • Once the egg is mature it is released from one of the ovaries – this is called ovulation.
  • During ovulation your cervical mucus (this is the substance in your cervix, between the vagina and the womb) becomes thinner and clearer to help any sperm to swim to the egg.
  • If you have sex, millions of sperm will swim up the cervix into the uterus and the fallopian tubes to meet a mature egg.
  • If sperm is present at the point of ovulation, or during the next 24 hours, the egg may be fertilised (only one sperm has to join with the egg for this to happen).
  • If the egg is fertilised, it starts to move towards the womb and divide into more cells.
  • Once it reaches the womb the fertilised egg has to attach the lining of the womb, this is called implantation and is the start of pregnancy. Many fertilised eggs don’t implant and are passed out of the body.
  • If the egg has not been fertilised, the egg is re-absorbed by the body, the hormone levels drop, and the womb lining is shed – the beginning of your next period.

Now that you know all about how to get pregnantuse our tool to find out if you are ready to conceive.

Best time to have sex to get pregnant

To boost your chances of conceiving, aim to have regular sex (every 2 to 3 days) throughout your cycle so you know that there should hopefully be good-quality sperm waiting when the egg is released. An active sex life is all most people need to conceive.

If you know when you ovulate each month you can give yourself the best chance of getting pregnant by having sex in the days leading up to ovulation. Continue having sex during ovulation. After this your fertile time will be over for that cycle.

Use our ovulation calculator to find out more about ovulation.

Best position to have sex in to get pregnant

The position that you have sex in does not make a difference to conception so long as the man ejaculates sperm into the vagina. Once this happens the sperm can swim up through the cervix and into the womb and fallopian tubes to meet an egg if it is there.

Many people also say that if the woman raises her legs upwards after sex it helps the sperm get to the womb. There is no evidence to say that this is true. The route from the vagina to the womb is not a straight line, so you do not need to worry about all the sperm coming back out when you stand up.

When does ovulation happen?

Ovulation usually happens about 10 to 16 days before the start of your next period, so it helps to know your cycle length before you start trying to get pregnant.

You may have not known when you ovulate within your cycle, and if you have been using a hormone contraceptive such as the Pill, you won’t have had a natural menstrual cycle for a while, because the Pill prevents ovulation (egg release) from happening.

As a first step, mark on your diary the dates that you bleed during a period. You can then count how many days from the first day of your period to your next period to work out the length of your cycle.

Use our ovulation calculator to find out more about ovulation.

The following signs can also help you know when you ovulate:

Cervical mucus changes

The cervix secretes mucus throughout the menstrual cycle, starting off sticky white and gradually becoming thinner and clearer.

Before and during ovulation the mucus increases and becomes much thinner, slippery and stretchy. Women often compare it to raw egg white.

This thinner mucus is designed to help the sperm swim easily through it.

The last day you notice the wetter secretions is sometimes known as ‘peak day’ and for most women this occurs very close to the time of ovulation.


You can also find out about your menstrual cycle by keeping a note of your temperature each morning when you wake up. Your temperature rises by about 0.2°C when ovulation has taken place.

As it only shows you when you have ovulated, and doesn’t tell you when your fertile time starts, this is not very useful for most women.

Using ovulation predictor kits (OPK)

Ovulation predictor kits are available from chemists and are fairly simple to use. They work by detecting a hormone in your urine that increases when ovulation is about to take place.

The simplest urine kit tests for luteinising hormone (LH), which increases 24-36 hours before ovulation. This will help to identify the best two days for conception, although a woman can be fertile for a day or so before and after this time.

It is best to become familiar with your usual menstrual cycle to help figure out when you should start testing. If you have an irregular cycle then an ovulation predictor kit can help you identify the time of ovulation but expect to use more of the test strips.

Find out how long it takes to get pregnant.

Can A Man Get Pregnant?

We recently reported on a study from Bath University in which baby mice were conceived using sperm … but no egg. Well, kind of. It turns out that the fertilized embryos were in fact derived directly from eggs. So men still can’t make babies by themselves, with sperm alone, so far as we know.

But it might surprise you to learn that men can get pregnant, depending on how you define your terms. Jules Suzdaltsev has the lowdown in part two of our DNews special report.

You may recall that in 2008, Thomas Beatie made quite the splash when he gave birth to a healthy baby girl. The media dubbed him the world’s first pregnant man. But many observers claimed that the pregnancy didn’t really “count” because Beatie — a transgender man — was designated female at birth and born with a uterus.

RELATED: Is Smoking Weed While Pregnant Dangerous?

Medical professionals can tell you, however, that the uterus is by no means necessary for a pregnancy. In fact, every one in 10,000 pregnancies ends up with the fetus developing elsewhere in the abdomen. This can happen when, after conception, the egg moves towards the uterus but falls out of the Fallopian tube. Any pregnancy where the fetus develops outside the uterus is known as ectopic pregnancy.

The fact that a fetus can develop outside of the uterus has raised legitimate questions about whether it would be possible for men to have an ectopic implantation. Many researchers say that such a pregnancy is technically feasible — the embryo would be implanted in the abdomen, the placenta would attach to abdominal organs, and delivery would be done by C-section. Any necessary pregnancy hormones could be provided with injections.

However, such an implantation would be incredibly risky — so much so, in fact, that no ethical medical professional would even consider it with our current technology. That hasn’t stopped Hollywood from speculating on the issue, however. Check out Jules’ report for more details, including a breakdown of that whole seahorse thing.

— Glenn McDonald

Learn More:

Science 2.0: Can A Man Really Get Pregnant? Sure, But It Might Kill Him

PopSci: Male Pregnancy: A Dangerous Proposition

Daily Telegraph: Pregnant men: New statistics reveal men have given birth to 54 babies in Australia

When Jay Thomas, 33, decided he wanted to get pregnant in 2016, he spoke to his physician.

Thomas, a cook who lives in Louisville, Kentucky, explained to his doctor that he and his wife, Jamie Brewster, 33, a bank employee, are both transgender, and that he had been on testosterone for more than two years. The physician said Thomas had likely gone through early menopause, and that if they were able to conceive at all, he would have to go off the hormone for at least 18 months.

But none of that turned out to be true, according to Thomas, who gave birth to the couple’s son Dorian, 2, less than a year after that doctor’s appointment.

“We got pregnant in three months,” Thomas said.

One of the most persistent myths transgender men and nonbinary people hear from doctors is that testosterone has sterilized them, experts say. While testosterone generally blocks ovulation, trans men can get pregnant while taking it, particularly if they are not taking it regularly.

It’s just one example of the misinformation and discouragement transgender men say they face from the medical establishment when they decide to get pregnant — a problem advocates and experts blame on a lack of training and research around transgender health care, as well as doctors’ biases.

Raising the world and an intersex child

Oct. 24, 201807:16

There is no data on how many transgender men and nonbinary people give birth in the United States each year, because medical systems track them as female, but experts believe the numbers are likely higher than many would expect. The number of people who identify as transgender is growing: A 2016 study from the Williams Institute found that 1.4 million adults in the U.S identify as transgender, which was double the estimate based on data from a decade earlier.

In Australia, where government agencies began tracking both sex and gender in official records in 2013, 54 transgender men gave birth in 2014, according to statistics from the country’s universal health care system. And a Dutch study published in the journal Human Reproduction in 2011 found that a majority of trans men reported wanting families.

But doctors, nurses and medical office staff are still adjusting to the idea that those who are pregnant may not identify as women. Transgender and nonbinary people describe gaps in medical professionals’ understanding ranging from an ultrasound technician calling them by the wrong name to doctors who tell them hormone therapy probably ruined their fertility. The consequences can be dire. A recently published case study described a transgender man who went to an emergency room with severe abdominal pain — but doctors were slow to realize that he was pregnant and in danger. The man delivered a stillborn baby several hours later.

The issue extends to all types of medical care for transgender and nonbinary people, not only to prenatal care, said Dr. Alex Keuroghlian, director of the National LGBT Health Education Center at Fenway Health, which educates health care organizations on how to care for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people.

A 2017 report by the Center for American Progress, a liberal policy institute, found that 29 percent of trans people reported that a medical provider had refused to see them because of their sexual orientation or gender identity in the previous year, and 21 percent of trans respondents said a provider had used harsh or abusive language when they sought medical care.

“It’s not a standard part of medical education, it’s not a standard part of nursing education, or training of mental health clinicians,” Keuroghlian, who is a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital, said of health care for transgender and nonbinary people. “So many health care professionals are playing catch-up after the fact and learning how to accommodate the range of experiences that gender minority people have in health care.”

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That lack of awareness can cause trans people to avoid doctors. According to a 2016 report in the journal Medical Care, about 30 percent of trans people reported delaying or not seeking care due to discrimination.

“It really is a matter of life and death for transgender and nonbinary people to be seen, valued, and supported by their medical providers,” said Trystan Reese, who is the director of family formation for the Family Equality Council, a national nonprofit that advocates for LGBTQ families, “whether in a fertility setting or going in for a broken arm or diabetes or any other health issue they might have.”

‘The whole process is difficult’

The need for trans people to constantly explain themselves to doctors and other medical staff can be draining.

Ethan Clift, 36, and his wife Allison Clift-Jennings, 41, who are both transgender, decided in 2017 that they wanted biological children. Clift, a lobbyist, also wanted to begin taking testosterone as part of his transition. Because testosterone blocks ovulation, the couple, who live in Reno, Nevada, decided to freeze their embryos before Clift transitioned.

Ethan Clift, right, and his wife Allison Clift-Jennings.Courtesy of Ethan Clift Let our news meet your inbox. The news and stories that matters, delivered weekday mornings.

Clift said doctors and nurses at the fertility clinic in Reno where he had his eggs harvested were well intentioned but struggled to get his pronouns right. He tried to correct them, he said, but it became too exhausting, so he gave up.

“The whole process is difficult — it really is tailored for women, essentially, in the language and everything about it,” Clift said.

Keuroghlian said this is a common experience of transgender men in medical settings.

“There’s a tremendous amount of stigma related to having a gender minority identity, and most people weren’t raised to have an awareness of gender diversity, including an awareness of the fact that people of many genders need OB-GYN services and may experience pregnancy and have children,” Keuroghlian said.

Whether the mistreatment is intentional or not, Keuroghlian said trans and nonbinary people who are made to feel uncomfortable usually don’t return and are more likely to avoid doctors in the future.

Some choose to give birth outside of hospitals instead.

According to a small 2014 study published by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, 22 percent of trans and nonbinary people said they chose to give birth at home with the assistance of a midwife or doula. Overall, just 1.36 percent of births in the U.S. were outside of hospitals in 2012, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Jasper Moon, a midwife in Portland, Oregon, who is nonbinary and uses “they” and “them” pronouns, is four months pregnant and plans to give birth at home with the assistance of midwives. “They know me really well, I know them really well, I trust them, and everything goes appropriately because I don’t have random newcomers like I would at a hospital birth,” Moon said.

Many trans and nonbinary people also look online for information about getting pregnant and giving birth.

A private Facebook group for trans men, which contains more than 200 members, serves as a network for those looking for advice on how to plan families.

Clift said he and his wife use Reddit and Instagram to find and share information with other trans and nonbinary people who are going through transition or pregnancy. On Instagram, Clift said there aren’t many trans men who are pregnant, but he can find them through hashtags and ask them questions in the comments.

“There’s very little knowledge, and there’s often an opening for misinformation.”

“I feel like transgender health is a form of biohacking because there aren’t a ton of studies out there — legitimate studies — and there aren’t a ton of doctors that really know it inside and out,” Clift said.

While it’s good that people are informing themselves and each other, Dr. Juno Obedin-Maliver, a gynecologist and an assistant professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, said some of her trans and nonbinary patients have misconceptions based on what they’ve read online.

For example, some trans men think they need to undergo hysterectomies because they have read that testosterone will cause uterine cancer, but there is no rigorous research supporting that, said Obedin-Maliver, who co-authored the Pride Study, the first nationwide report on the physical, mental and social health of LGBTQ people.

“There’s very little knowledge, and there’s often an opening for misinformation,” Obedin-Maliver said. “The answer to that is rigorous comprehensive data that fills in those answers and comprehensive medical education for clinicians so that we can meet what is a real need for people to take care of themselves.”

More health care centers are getting trained

Since 2011, the National LGBT Health Education Center has trained more than 1,000 health care organizations on how to care for LGBTQ patients.

Dr. Rupal Yu, a family physician for Piedmont Health Services, which implemented training in all 12 of its North Carolina centers, recalled a young trans man who came to her for care prior to the training. She said she was surprised at how little she understood about trans patients, both socially and medically.

Yu’s center in Carrboro, North Carolina, made several changes starting in 2014, including developing gender-inclusive patient intake forms and documenting patients’ gender identity and sex assigned at birth in both physical and electronic records. Staff were trained on how to ask and consistently use a patient’s preferred name and gender from “the front door until they exit,” she added.

“I have more experience now simply being comfortable with talking to and taking care of non-cisgender people, getting comfortable with the idea that a man can have a vagina or a woman can have a penis, that the identity was in the brain, and not our biological parts.”

Keuroghlian, of the National LGBT Health Education Center, suggested that hospitals change the name of their maternity wards to “labor and delivery,” so everyone feels welcome.

But providers who strive to be more inclusive can face criticism from non-transgender clients, including on social media, said Maya Scott-Chung, program director for SprOUT Family, a nonprofit that supports LGBTQ people through the family building process. She said some clinics create separate marketing materials for their LGBTQ clientele.

Scott-Chung has worked with clinics that “have done that to avoid the pushback from more conservative, heterosexual clients,” she said.

‘You can be a man and have a baby’

Pregnant trans men and nonbinary people also fight battles within their own bodies.

Thomas said pregnancy reignited his dysphoria, the sense of disconnect transgender people experience between their bodies and their gender identity. The surgeon who had done his mastectomy neglected to remove all of the glands in his chest, he said, which caused some of the tissue to return as the pregnancy progressed.

“A lot of things had changed for those few months and it was rough — it was really hard,” Thomas said.

SOME women will do just about anything to have a baby, including skipping their birth control without telling their partners it seems.

While some couples want to wait for financial stability or the right time, some women are willing to steam roll ahead regardless of who is on board.

Some women have taken to Whisper, a site that allows people to confess things anonymously, to talk about the secretive ways they are trying to have a baby.

12 Some women have revealed the extreme lengths they have gone to to get pregnantCredit: Whisper.sh 12 Credit: Whisper.sh

“My marriage is on the rocks but my husband will make a great father”

One user admitted that even though her marriage is on the rocks, she still thinks he husband will make a great father so she is trying to get pregnant.

Another simply said they want a baby ‘so bad it feels right’ while others have admitted they are only sleeping with a man to get pregnant.

12 One woman wants a baby so bad she doesn’t care if it ruins her relationship with her fianceCredit: Whisper.sh 12 This woman just wants her husband’s children alreadyCredit: Whisper.sh 12 ‘It just feels so right’Credit: Whisper.sh 12 Sometimes, you just get too impatientCredit: Whisper.sh

But while these women are obviously desperate to have a baby, some have taken a far more extreme route.

If you thought poking holes in condoms wasn’t something a woman would do – think again.

12 ‘I think my boyfriend hates me, so I am trying to get pregnant’Credit: Whisper.sh 12 This woman hopes a baby will save her addict boyfriendCredit: Whisper.sh

‘This is not weight loss’

Mum blasts fitness sites for using pic of her PREGNANT next to one of her slim to plug diets


Women who get pregnant within 6 months of a miscarriage are ‘MORE likely to have a successful pregnancy’


Miracle baby’s life saved by hero medics after mum-to-be suddenly collapses and dies at eight months pregnant

blame the parents

Excess body hair and protruding ears… traits parents wish they hadn’t passed on to children


Wannabe mail-order bride searches for Scottish husband on Reddit so she can flee Donald Trump’s presidency 12 One woman has poked holes in the condoms to fall pregnantCredit: Whisper.sh 12 And this woman lied about taking her birth controlCredit: Whisper.sh 12 ‘I’m only sleeping with him to get pregnant’Credit: Whisper.sh

The final confession comes from a mother who already has a six-month-old baby daughter.

She says her and her fiance are ‘lucky’ to be able to afford to buy things for her but she is secretly hoping she falls pregnant again.

12 Desperate for a second child, this woman doesn’t care for the financial burdenCredit: Whisper.sh

Sperm Alert: What to Know When She Wants to Have a Baby!

The fact is that many men don’t think a lot about their sperm until the baby-making tsunami takes over their lives. And even then, your sperm may not be on the top of your list of baby-making concerns. The first thing that may come to mind when the first rumbles of baby lust hits your radar might be worries about money, sleep, and your sex life.

The first tremors that baby making may be in your future, is that dinner conversation starts to turn into who is pregnant or having another baby in your social circles. This can lead to strolls in shopping malls, where your woman makes a sudden stops in front of baby toy and clothing stores. You may notice that she lingers there, making happy sounds about this cute thing or that darling something or other. Notice, that she presses you for happy sounds as well.

You may find babies are being put into your arms at every family function with everyone making chirping sounds about what a good father you would make. Books with baby-making tips and parenting advice may have found its way into your bathroom reading basket. You may have even found “The Top 100 Baby Names” in your email inbox. One thing is for sure, when your lady is ready to make a baby — you will know it.

Assuming you are on board with her baby-making desires, be ready to join her in some pre-conception check-ups! In case you didn’t get the memo, men contribute half of the baby-making goods and are also equally responsible when conception does not occur easily. This simple fact is something that many men have happily ignored for centuries, putting the conception burden squarely on the shoulders of the woman.

When entering the baby making arena, it is important to know that it may take up to one year for conception to occur. And approximately 7 million couples will experience conception issues.

But before the female goes through a battery of tests (which is usually the first thing that will happen), it’s the manly thing to do to check your sperm count to see if it’s normal or low.

It’s estimated that only 20 percent of you (men) in couples struggling to conceive have this test early on or at all. What’s more, almost half of all infertility problems are directly attributed to the male, and most of them are mainly due to low sperm count. So, before you start your baby-making engines, you want to be in the best possible shape to conceive.

1. How are the boys? The easiest way for men to get a handle on what is happening with their sperm is to do a quick check in! How is the count? Is it normal? A normal sperm count is above 20 million sperm per milliliter. You can find out if your sperm is in normal range in the privacy of your own home with a brand new over the counter test, called SpermCheck Fertility. It’s the only FDA-approved at-home screening test for men to determine normal or low sperm count. SpermCheck Fertility costs substantially less than a visit to the doctor. It’s an affordable and accurate first step in male fertility testing and can help inform you as to whether or not more comprehensive clinical fertility evaluation is needed.

2. Feed Your Fertility: Eat all the things you know you should but probably don’t, including fruits, vegetables and low-fat protein. Some studies have suggested that some men with low sperm count may also have a zinc deficiency. Boost your zinc and maybe your fertility by eating more meat, wholegrain cereals, seafood, and eggs. Selenium, which is found in Brazil nuts, meat, seafood, mushrooms and cereals, has also been found to make sperm very happy.

3. The Drink That Refreshes: Sorry but you’ll have to cap your caffeine and alcohol drinks to one cuppa joe (or latte or cappuccino) a day and maybe the occasional glass of wine. Heavy drinking is a fertility wrecker for both women and men.

4. Get Moving: First ditch the spandex, then go onto a regular, moderate workout plan. Exercise is the gift of the fertility gods. They help keep your hormones happy, your weight under control and bring down your stress levels. Heavy exercise that involves a lot of heat or compression of your testicles (like bike riding) is not good for your sperm. And stay out of the sauna or hot water soaks after you work out. Sperm hate the heat, keep your testicles cool!

5. Smoke Signals: Tobacco, even marijuana is no friend of fertility. Smoking can increase susceptibility to sexually transmitted diseases in both men and women, and it is known to reduce your sperm count. It’s just plain bad.

6. Take a Good Look Around: Your work environment may be a contributing factor to your fertility. According to the National Institute of Occupational Safety and Health, ongoing exposure to certain things like pesticides, chemical fertilizers, lead, nickel, mercury, chromium, ethylene glycol ethers, petrochemicals, benzene, perchloroethylene, and radiation can wreak havoc with your sperm count, and quality.

What To Do Next After Reading This Article?

Please leave a comment, “Like It”, Tweet it, and Share It On Facebook!

Check out some helpful resources: You can find SpermCheck Fertility on line at Walgreens On Line or CVS on Line.

If you want to learn more about fertility, you can jack into my blog “The Fertility Advocate”, where I talk about all things related to fertility, infertility and reproductive health. There are also more resources listed there.

I advertised for a man to get me pregnant – then I fell in love

Ten months ago, thirty-something Jessica was eager to get pregnant. A series of relationships had failed so she tried a radically new approach – she posted an advert online. The outcome turned out to be far better than she had hoped.

“Safe, bareback babymaking,” the advert read.

“I’m in my 30s & have given up on Messrs Right & Wrong. I want a baby.”

The request was posted on Craigslist, a website better known for second-hand goods.

The potential father needed to be over 5ft 9in, under 40 and prepared to take an STD test. He would also be required to have “a few days of frequent sex”.

Jessica makes no apology for her businesslike approach.

“Our grandparents didn’t spend years and years cohabiting and watching boxsets,” she says.

“Starting a family was very much the goal of their endeavour.”

She’d also watched many of her friends start families after falling “madly in love”, only to split up later in a cloud of angry recriminations.

“I decided I could sacrifice romantic fulfilment as long as my child had two parents who loved and cared for them,” she says.

She posted her advert on Craigslist while on a bus from her home in the suburbs into central London – and by the time she arrived at Oxford Street, she already had a number of replies.

She set up a meeting with the most promising one that very evening.

Find out more

Jessica spoke to the Emma Barnett Show on BBC 5 live

You can listen again here (start at 38 minutes 50 seconds)

A year earlier, Jessica had been in a long-term relationship with David. Like her, he wanted children… but he was in no rush.

“He was aimless. He wanted to wait until he felt better about his life and his career. You just think, ‘Come on!'” Jessica says.

She had wanted children since she turned 30 and was envious of friends who were starting families. She was also shaken by a visit to her aunt in hospital. Her aunt didn’t have children, and Jessica believed she had been ignored by doctors as there had been no-one to insist on better care.

“I thought there was a risk of me ending up in a similar situation if I had no kids of my own. They can act as insurance for when you get older.”

She ended her relationship with David in March 2016 and almost immediately started dating her colleague, Scott. He was keen to have a baby, but after six months of trying they had nothing to show for it. So they went to a GP, who suggested blood tests – and while Jessica’s results were clear, Scott’s revealed a range of fertility issues.

“He didn’t react well to the news and basically fell apart. I didn’t feel I had the ability to support him through it,” Jessica says. “Also I didn’t really want to go through IVF.”

They split up after a make-or-break Christmas holiday in 2016.

Jessica then spoke to a gynaecologist, who suggested artificial insemination using donor sperm. Jessica wanted her child to have a caring father, so she wasn’t keen on the idea, but she discussed it with a friend anyway.

“She asked, ‘Why would you spend £700 for sperm when you could go down to Yates’s and find someone who would gladly give you it for free?'” Jessica says.

“But I didn’t want to go to a pub and have unprotected sex with someone who’d had no STD checks. I also didn’t want to entrap someone into parenthood.”

However, this prompted her to post an advert on a co-parenting website. Scrolling through the potential fathers, she came across quite a few married gay couples, but feared she’d lose out as one among three parents.

“I was worried a 50-50 split would soon become 70-30 in their favour,” she says.

She then started chatting to a single man on the website, until an insurmountable barrier got in the way – Brexit.

“He voted to leave Europe and I’m very much for remain,” Jessica says. “I said, ‘I’m not really sure we can parent like this.'”

Jessica quit the website, which charged a monthly fee, and considered dating apps. But as a teacher she didn’t want to post a photograph of herself. Then she thought about Craigslist.

“I didn’t want to use a dating website or Tinder in case a student saw a picture of me. Plus I knew Craigslist got a lot of traffic and was free to use,” she says.

She typed out her advert on the bus to Oxford Street last March, and posted it in the personals section.

“I don’t use turkey basters when cooking and am not using one at conception,” one line read.

“God, it sounds completely crazy looking back,” Jessica says.

She didn’t set many parameters for the potential father of her child, only height, age and sexual health.

“I just wanted to meet a good person with shared values,” she says.

She received a flurry of replies, including the obligatory slew of penis pictures. A number of men wrote claiming they had helped several women, which turned Jessica off.

“The last thing I needed was for my child to end up at a party and snog their sibling without knowing,” Jessica says.

Another young man wrote to say he was desperate for a baby after his previous partner had a miscarriage. Jessica felt he was too vulnerable.

Then she received an email from Ross.

“He was 33 and also lived in London. He said he’d had some disastrous relationships but he loved being an uncle and wanted children of his own,” Jessica says.

They agreed to meet for drinks that evening.

Media playback is unsupported on your device Media captionJessica (voiced by an actress) tells Emma Barnett about her first meeting with Ross

“I thought he was much better-looking in person than the photo he sent,” she says.

They discovered they were of different faiths but agreed they wanted a “London approach” to religion.

“We agreed there was one God who loved pretty much everybody and we would want a child to be comfortable with people of any faith or no faith.”

Jessica and Ross kissed at the end of their first meeting. “I felt very comfortable around him,” she says.

A few days later they had dinner and arranged to have STD checks. After their fourth date they decided to have sex, to see if they were physically compatible.

“It was really good,” Jessica says.

“We decided to start trying for a baby, knowing it could take a while.”

But within weeks Jessica was holding a positive pregnancy test. She had conceived during her very next cycle.

“I found out I was pregnant about six weeks after I’d posted the advert,” Jessica says. “That was a bit of a surprise. It definitely wasn’t what I had expected.”

There hadn’t even been time for Ross to get a sperm count.

They didn’t have a written contract but agreed they wouldn’t sleep with anyone else.

“I didn’t want to label what my relationship with Ross was,” Jessica says. “I was delighted I was pregnant but I was wary that might make me think I was in love with him.”

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Ross was very involved during the pregnancy and accompanied Jessica to hospital appointments. It wasn’t all plain sailing, though.

They clashed about who got to keep the original ultrasound pictures and whether to spend money finding out the sex of the baby early.

However, this led Jessica to an unexpected discovery. She had advertised for a father for her baby rather than a partner, but the quarrels made her realise that she actually had feelings for Ross.

“I realised being angry with him made me sad, as I did love him.

“But I was concerned that perhaps he was caring and attentive just because I was carrying his baby.”

The couple told their parents Jessica was expecting a baby after the pregnancy had lasted 12 weeks, but didn’t reveal how they had met.

“Our families get on well. It may be because there was a child involved but everyone was very accepting and tolerant of each other,” Jessica says.

Jessica had been living alone and Ross moved in two months before their baby was due.

She had a Caesarean after her baby was found to be in a breech position, and spent a week recovering in hospital.

“Ross slept on a sleeping bag on the floor next to me the whole time. There was another dad there but he lasted one night before he said it was too uncomfortable and went home.”

Having a newborn baby has left Jessica and Ross “bone-achingly tired”.

However, Jessica thinks that if anything their relationship has got stronger.

“We’re coping and getting through it – maybe it’s because we don’t have the energy to argue!”

Jessica is on maternity leave and Ross can work some days from home. It means they share a lot of the parenting duties.

“It’s great, when there is a particularly icky nappy, being able to hand the baby over to dad and say, ‘This is yours,'” Jessica says.

The couple have now been together just under a year and parents for two months. They are still discovering new things about each other.

“Like the other day in a text conversation I found out he liked Billie Holiday,” Jessica says.

“It’s great when we get time together and we always have a meal when he gets back from work. We enjoy being together and it makes it easier raising a child.”

They have already discussed having another.

Jessica says she is pleased she went down an unconventional route to starting a family.

“I don’t regret the advert,” she says.

“I don’t think you can get what you want by sitting there patiently and waiting for it to land in your lap.”

All names have been changed

Claire Bates is tweeting @batesybates

Join the conversation – find us on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and Twitter.

Illustrations by Katie Horwich

Natural Insemination: Tinder for People Who Want to Get Pregnant

Procreation is a pretty vital aspect of human existence. But tragically, not all of us are equipped to pollinate and populate, whether that’s because our junk doesn’t work right or because we can’t find anyone who wants to make a baby with us. Luckily, science has done what it was invented to do and created a number of methods to help prospective parents get around those problems—methods like IVF, artificial insemination (AI), and surrogate motherhood.

However, for those who find the concept of stepping into a hospital and walking out with a baby in their womb a little too abstract, there is a less traditional, 100 percent more tangible alternative: natural insemination (NI).

NI is exactly what it sounds like: sexual intercourse that’s supposed to result in a pregnancy, a.k.a. having sex to make a new human being. Only, instead of being the planned outcome of a relationship or accidental result of an awkward hookup, it’s facilitated by the internet and allows you to meet up with a complete stranger with the specific aim of making a baby. It’s sperm donation for the Tinder generation.

In fact, there are already a number of websites: Co-Parents, Co-ParentMatch, and Tadpole Donations are just a few—that allow you to find a man who will put a child in you via his real flesh-and-blood penis and then never speak to you again, if that’s the kind of parenting experience you’re looking for. But the potential issue with women using the internet to advertise that they want help conceiving a child is that it’s bound to attract a certain percentage of guys who are far more interested in the process than the payoff. And isn’t there something a little sinister in coercing sex out of someone under the pretense that you want to help them have a baby?

“Mrsperm88” being called out for using NI forums to search for a “johnny free shag.”

I got in touch with Brad, a marine who moderates a couple of semen-donor forums, and who has personally donated through NI three times and AI nine times. “Well, if it’s still consensual, is that any different to someone renting a BMW for a date when they personally drive a Robin Reliant?” he answered, confusingly. “Or borrowing a pilot’s uniform to get laid?”

Clearly, these comparisons don’t make any sense, but they do serve to highlight the moral ambiguities involved in scouring forum postings for casual sex when you know the desired result is a new human life.

John Mayger.

John Mayger, the Genghis Khan of the sperm-donor community, has fathered more than 40 children. He opposes NI and sought to explain his reasons for doing so by positing a question: “How do you explain to a child that they were just a commodity so that the father could get laid? Is this not the ultimate indignity to a human being—being reduced to commodity status to be traded off against another commodity, like sex?”

Four of the children Mayger has sired have been his “own” kids while he was married and the rest have come through IVF and other methods. Despite contributing to two ongoing pregnancies, he was rejected by a fertility clinic 11 years ago because he was deemed to be too old and told that he already has too many offspring, but he is certain that his sperm works “just fine” and has continued to donate privately.

Referring to NI as “ersatz rape” a couple of times, he continued asking questions: “What sort of rock spider would force his children’s mothers into sex?” he demanded. “How do I uphold my own dignity and sense of self-worth knowing that I had to bribe or force her into sex ? I will not destroy my ego for the sake of my sexual pleasure.”

As trenchant as he may be in his views, it’s hard to deny that John has a point. It’s also hard to discount the idea that exploitation is at work here after scrolling through tons of ads posted by guys who claim that their “motivation is altruism” before going on to request that any woman who wants to contact them should send a photo of themselves. I’m not sure if it qualifies as altruism if there’s a screening process you have to pass before you’re deemed attractive enough to deserve some sperm.

Responses to an 18-year-old girl posting a message appealing for NI donors.

I spoke to Sarah, a middle-aged professional currently on the hunt for an NI donor. She’s run into a bunch of guys cruising NI forums for casual sex. “I posted a short ‘ad’ on a site because I’d heard it was the best site for it and I was intrigued,” she told me. “But the response I got was largely creepy and I didn’t feel comfortable meeting any of the men, so I haven’t.” Continuing, she explained that she would “still consider NI” if it was with “a current friend” or someone she trusted, but stressed that she won’t be meeting up with anyone who contacts her online.

Brad, however, was enthusiastic about the internet’s role in connecting women to men who want to have sex with them, so I asked him to elaborate on his personal experience of NI. “I have many friends who are lesbians,” he explained. “I only donate to lesbian couples in stable, committed relationships. My ideal situation would be finding a lovely, well-established lesbian couple, preferably under 30, who are both looking to conceive by natural means, would like to have at least three kids with the same donor and have plenty of access to the children as they grow up.”

Brad’s outlook suggests that NI can, of course, be a force for good. And there are plenty of stories posted to the NI forums that back him up, like the lesbian couple who recruited one of their ex-boyfriends to impregnate the fertile partner, keeping him in the picture as a sort of uncle-dad figure. Describing her experience of NI, the mother wrote, “Natural insemination is highly stigmatized—people consider it dirty, cheating, salacious, lustful, when it really isn’t like that. It was an amazing experience.”

That said, NI is a very new way of doing things (a spokesperson from the London Women’s Clinic told me that they “don’t offer that service, at all” and refused to discuss it any further) and, of course, anything new, unregulated, and involving strangers using the internet to meet up, have sex, and make babies is bound to come with its own unique set of pitfalls.

Natural insemination donors advertising their services online.

While artificial insemination donors are protected by law if they donate through a licensed clinic, strangely, men who go round a stranger’s house and have sex with them aren’t entitled to the same legal protection. If the mother isn’t married, the donor automatically becomes the child’s legal father and can be instructed by law to pay child support until the kid is 18—as one British NI donor discovered earlier this year. The child also has a legal claim to their father’s inheritance.

And the repercussions can be just as undesirable for NI mothers. If the guy decides he wants to switch from no-strings donor to daddy he can legally appeal for custody, because “sperm donor agreements” mean fuck all in court. All of this is obviously more manageable if you already have some kind of relationship with your NI partner, but it can get more complicated when you’ve never met each other before.

Whatever’s said about natural insemination ultimately doesn’t matter; it’s a minefield of various conflicting reasoning and justifications. Yes, some of the men on NI forums may well just be using would-be mothers for unprotected sex. But if that’s exactly what the would-be mothers want, it’s hard to berate them too much for being scumbags. You also need a pretty strong argument if you’re going to wade into a discussion lamenting the way other people have chosen to go about conceiving their offspring.

I suppose the one sensible thing to apply to the whole approach is that it’s probably best to make your NI partner someone you know and trust, rather than a man who’s excitedly responded to an online ad and offered to travel halfway across the country just have to sex with you without a condom.

Follow Jak on Twitter: @JAK_TH

More stories about sex:

I Went to Porn School and It Was a Disaster

This Guy Is Losing His Virginity in Public for an Art Project

Being a Muslim Sexologist Is a Tough Gig

Find Your Single Parent Match

Where can I find dates when I’m pregnant?

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