How to find out if someone unfriended you on Facebook

If you’ve ever been curious why your Facebook friend count is down, there is now an app that tells you who exactly unfriended you.

The free app for iOS and Android is called Who Deleted Me, and it was spotted by Rachel Zarrell at BuzzFeed. It also is a browser extension for Google Chrome.

It works by simply saving a copy of your friend list after you first use Who Deleted Me.

Who Deleted Me tells you who your missing friends are as well as who recently became your Facebook friend. Who Deleted Me

When you revisit the app or browser extension, it will compare your friend list with the saved version — which unfortunately means you can’t see who unfriended you back in 2012.

It provides a list of who stopped being your friend on Facebook as well as any new friends since the last time you were logged on.

Both the app and the browser extension will identify whether you were the one to delete a friend and whether someone merely deactivated their Facebook profile. Here’s a mock-up of what the app looks like:

The app lets you see who deleted you, who you deleted, and who deactivated their account. Who Deleted Me

The app and website became so popular this week that the website began running slower on Monday and eventually suffered some outages. Who Deleted Me has since said it has updated to bigger servers to cover the increased traffic.

Post by Who Deleted Me.

Website outages aren’t the only concern for the new app. Back in February, the app’s creator, Anthony Kuske, received a notice from the Facebook Team telling him that his app and browser extension were creating a negative user experience:

Post by Who Deleted Me.

Still, more than 36,000 people have liked the Who Deleted Me app page on Facebook, so there’s obviously a marketplace for it.

The app is not the first of its kind. A browser extension released last year called Unfriend Notify has roughly the same service, and there is also a Twitter version called WhoUnfollowedMe?.

So the next time you’re debating unfriending your aunt who sends all those FarmVille requests, now you may want to think twice.

To install the Who Deleted Me Google Chrome extension or see how it works, visit the website here.

You might assume your acquaintances’ social media maneuvers are invisible to everyone but Mark Zuckerberg. In reality, though, there are ways to check who exactly has unfriended you on Facebook.

Be warned, though: Your feelings might be hurt, and your sleuthing could create more questions than answers about what you did to deter your Facebook friend.

Inside a Facebook friendship

First, some clarifications, since the various statuses on Facebook can be quite a lot to handle.

You can be unfollowed, unfriended or blocked. Each limits your relationship with another Facebook subscriber, but some distinctions among them should be explained.

If you are blocked, that means somebody has completely eliminated your access to their profile. You cannot see their posts, start a conversation with them, tag them in comments or photos, or friend them. They want nothing to do with you.

Bottom line: If you can’t view someone’s profile, find them in a search, or send them any messages — you, my friend, have been blocked.

Now it’s also possible they have fled for the higher ground of a Facebook-free life and deactivated their account entirely. To check, you can look for an old conversation with that person; if their profile picture is still there but you can’t engage in a chat with them, send them a message, or even click on their profile then you’ve been blocked.

If there is no longer a profile picture of them, they have deactivated their account.

Unfriending happens when someone removes you from their friend list. While losing some access to that person, you can still view their public profile, and even respond to their public posts.

Maybe they’re mad at you, but maybe you just don’t interact on Facebook and they’re looking to pare down their friend list.

Unless they’ve made their reasons clear, don’t jump to conclusions about why someone unfriended you. Maybe they’re indeed mad at you, or maybe you just don’t interact on Facebook and they’re looking to pare down their friend list.

It’s also less obvious if you’ve been unfriended, but it’s not actually difficult to check. Deleted notifies you whenever your Facebook account has lost a friend. When you click on the link, you will see whether you were indeed deleted from their friend list or if they deactivated their account instead.

Unfollowing is a distinct way of creating distance between Facebook friends: When you unfollow a person they remain on your friends list but their posts no longer appear on your news feed.

To check and see who is currently following you go to the “More” tab located on your profile page and click on “Followers.” If you don’t see someone who’s still on your friends list, it means they’ve unfollowed you. You can still view their profile and their posts — and they can drop in when they feel inclined — but your posts no longer show up in their feed.

In this scenario, it’s most likely the person doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or create any drama (by blocking or unfriending you) but also doesn’t want to participate in your political views or simply see another kitten meme or pictures of your lunch.

What about Instagram and Twitter?

Want to know who’s ducking you on Instagram? Try Unfollowgram, a service that helps you check on your followers list. And if you’re concerned about who’s ducking your tweets on Twitter, check out Who Unfollowed Me.

Bonus: Digital death

Alex Membrillo, CEO of Cardinal Digital Marketing, says, “It’s not uncommon to see social media accounts still active for people who have passed away. In fact, I recently received a birthday reminder on Facebook for someone who had passed away 10 years ago.” Those reminders can be painful for the people left behind.

On Facebook, you can convert your loved one’s page into a memorial page. When you do, Facebook adds the word “Remembering” before the person’s name, and turns off “people you may know” suggestions and birthday notifications. The content your loved one posted will stay there, and people can add thoughts and memories.

My Ex Unfriended Me On Facebook. Now What Do I Do?

When your ex unfriends you on Facebook, it’s not the end of the road.

You can actually use it to your advantage to make her miss you and want you back.

How? Follow these 6 steps:

1. Change your post settings to public, so she can see whatever you post even though she’s not a Facebook friend

One of the best ways to re-attract your ex is by enjoying a fun life without her and letting her see it via social media.

If she has unfriended you, just change your post settings from ‘friends’ to ‘public’ for everything that you post from now on.

Believe it or not, even though she is the one who unfriended you, she is still going to be curious about what you’re up to.

If she is checking social media and thinks of you, she will try to stop by your profile to see if there’s anything new.

In most cases, a woman just wants to check to see if her ex guy is sad, lonely and lost without her.

If she sees that there’s nothing going on in his life, she can feel good about herself and not have to worry about him moving on and being happy again before she is.

If she checks his profile and sees that he is confident, happy and enjoying fun times with other people, then things change.

She starts to feel respect and attraction for him based on the fact that he has been emotionally strong enough to get on with life without her.

As a result, she starts to miss him and imagine what it would be like if they were back together.

So, make sure that whatever you post on social media from now on shows you being confident, emotionally strong and getting on with your life in a positive way.

Not all guys know what you’re learning right now.

So, when a guy’s ex woman unfriends him on Facebook, he might make the mistake of sending her an emotional message like, “Why have you unfriended me? What did I do?! Is this what our relationship has come to? Are you just going to delete me from your life? Did I even mean anything to you?”

He might start talking about his feelings for her and hoping that she takes pity on him.

Alternatively, he might get angry at her and start calling her all sorts of names or accusing her of being disloyal, a user and so on.

Yet, as you would understand, that’s not an effective approach to take to get a woman back.

Rather than making her feel good about refriending him, she is more likely to think, “I can’t believe how he’s behaving now. I mean, I felt a bit guilty for unfriending him, but now that I’ve seen this side of him I’m glad that I did it. I’m better off cutting him out of my life completely from now on. I probably should also block his number on my phone so he can’t call or text me. Maybe need to mark his e-mail as spam too. I’m done with him.”

Important: Whatever you say and do from now on will either make your ex feel respect and attraction for you, or turn her off the idea of being with you even more.

So, be careful about what you say and do from now on.

Many guys ruin their chances of getting a woman back by losing control of their emotions (e.g. sulking, getting angry, seeking pity, being jealous or controlling, verbally attacking her, crying or being wimpy).

You’ve got to maintain control of your emotions and be a man that she can naturally feel respect, attraction and love for.

If you’re no longer able to interact with her on a phone call or in person, make sure that you…

2. Post up photos of you having fun with new people

When your ex decides to check up on you (e.g. because she’s bored, lonely or curious) it’s important that you are portraying an attractive image for her on social media.

For example: Imagine the impression that a woman will have if her ex only posts photos of him alone, or looking sad or bored.

Rather than think, “Maybe I should take him back. He’s clearly having such a difficult time without me, so he needs me. I feel so flattered to see that he can’t get on with his life now that we’re broken up. I just love knowing that I’m his source of confidence and happiness. He needs me. He’s a needy guy. I love needy guys! I have to take him back” and then quickly re-friending him on Facebook out of pity, she will likely be thinking, “He’s so unattractive now that he can’t feel confident without me around. I want a man who is confident, happy and forward moving in life no matter what happens around him. He’s just letting his life pass him by now as he sits around feeling sorry for himself. I’m glad that we’re not together anymore because being with him would have dragged me down too. I made the right choice. I’ve got to keep moving on without him.”

Now compare that to what will be going through your ex’s mind when she sees photos of you and other people (e.g. new friends or acquaintances) doing fun things together like:

  • Participating in outdoor events (e.g. hiking, group exercise in park, white water rafting, abseiling).
  • Going to parties (e.g. a beach party, a fancy dress party, a street party, BBQ at someone’s house).
  • Going to interesting events (e.g. a music festival, a carnival, a Formula 1 Grand Prix in a different country).
  • Doing fun activities with other people (e.g. salsa dancing).

Most guys worry that their ex woman will be angry and seek revenge by quickly hooking up with other guys.

Yet, that’s not how a woman’s attraction works.

Women are naturally attracted to confident guys who are liked by other people.

On the flipside, women are naturally turned off by insecure, self-doubting guys who don’t feel worthy of being around happy people who are enjoying their life.

Sometimes it’s not just worthiness though.

Sometimes a guy feels worthy, but he’s so upset about the break up that he can’t be bothered dealing with other people.

…and that’s the problem.

Women aren’t attracted to guys who are emotionally dependent on them.

If a guy can’t back on his own two feet after a break up, a woman is going to feel turned off by his emotional dependence on her and the relationship.

What a woman wants is a guy who is confident, happy and forward moving in life, with or without her support or reassurance.

A woman doesn’t want to be a guy’s source of confidence, happiness, self-esteem, worthiness or purpose in life.

This is why it’s so important to show your ex that you’re not lonely, lost and depressed without her.

You’ve got to rise up to the occasion and be more emotionally strong than you’ve ever been before.

This break up is a one, big test for you.

You’re either going to pass it and get her back, or you’re going to fail it and lose her.

It’s up to you.

If you want to show her that you’ve changed and make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you via social media, you’ve got to start posting up photos of you having fun with other people.

When she sees that, she will naturally start to miss you and in most ex back cases that I’ve worked on, the woman will then refriend her ex.

So make sure you ditch the sad, lonely photos right away and replace them with some fun alternatives.

BTW: Many guys don’t post sad, lonely photos of themselves.

Instead, they post photos of their pets, car, landscapes and places they visit.

Those are lonely photos too.

If your ex assumes that you’re hurting from the break up and aren’t having fun with other people, she will look at photos like that as meaning that you’re all on your own and feeling sad, lonely and lost without her.

It doesn’t matter if you post a happy photo of your pet, or post a photo of you learning how to fly a plane on your own.

None of that stuff makes a woman think, “Wow, he’s so confident now. He’s having fun with other people. Maybe there are women around who will feel attracted to him now. I have to get him back.”

The only thing that works is posting up photos of you having fun with other people.


3. Change your profile photo to a confident, happy photo of yourself

You’ve probably heard of the expression that, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”

In terms of attracting an ex back, “a picture is worth a thousand words” simply means that you can show her the new you without having to write to her about it and explain.

On that note, I don’t recommend that you write to your ex and tell her about all the things you’ve changed, how you feel about her and so on.

That doesn’t work.

A woman doesn’t want to have to read a long letter, e-mail or message from her ex guy that she is no longer attracted to.

If she receives something like that and hasn’t seen photos of him having fun with other people, she will just assume that he’s hurting, lost, sad and lonely without her.

Not attractive.

So, don’t try the old “love letter to an ex girlfriend” thing.

It doesn’t work.

Remember: If she’s unfriended you on Facebook, it’s most likely because she doesn’t think very highly of you at the moment.

She has probably lost most or all of her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you.

So, if she notices that you still have the same Facebook profile photo that hasn’t changed since before she broke up with you, she is going to look at you as still being the same.

Rather than think, “Wow. He must be so busy enjoying life without me that he hasn’t even had time to change his profile photo,” she’s more likely to think, “That’s so typical of him. He’s still stuck at the same level he was at when we broke up. Nothing about him ever changes. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m much better off without him. His life is going nowhere.”

So, make sure that you update your profile photo as well.

The more confident and happy you appear in your profile photo, the more attractive you become in her eyes.

While you’re at it…

4. Change your cover photo to a photo of you having great fun with other people

So many guys make the mistake of having a cover photo of a landscape, a car, a game they like, a pet and so on.

That doesn’t work to re-attract and ex woman.

You’ve got to show her that you’re having fun with other people.

If you do, she is much more likely to contact you, refriend you or at least accept your friend request.

In some cases that I’ve seen, a woman will use the change of her ex’s cover photo as an excuse to contact him.

For example: She might message you and say something like, “Hey, how are you doing? I just saw your new cover photo – it’s really nice. You look like you’re having so much fun. So, what have you been up to? How’s things?”

To spark her feelings of respect and attraction for you again, you just need to be confident, easy going and talk to her in a friendly way, without trying to get her back right away.

For example: You can respond with something along the lines of, “Who is this? Hehe. Just kidding, it’s great to hear from you. Yes, I am having lots of fun these days. I can’t believe how busy things have been for me lately. I’ve met some great new people and we’re doing a lot of cool stuff together. How about you? How have you been?”

If she wants you back, she will feel some emotional pain to hear that you’re having fun without her and seem fine.

She might then decide to refriend you as a way of opening the lines of communication between you and hopefully signaling to you that she wants you back.

However, if she doesn’t refriend you right away (e.g. because she doesn’t want to come across as the jealous ex), you can take the initiative and…

5. Contact her via a Facebook message to refriend you, or ask her on a phone call

Although messaging your ex is the quickest way to ask her to refriend you, it’s also a lot easier for her to ignore you or play hard to get.

So, if it’s possible, I recommend that you get her on a phone call with you instead.

Start the call off in a positive, confident way and focus on getting her smiling, laughing and feeling good while talking to you.

When you do that, she will naturally feel some respect and attraction for you and will be more willing to re-add you as a friend.

By the way…

Most guys try to skip all of this and try to get their ex woman back via text.

Yet, since she has no evidence that he has changed, she either ignores his texts or replies to some and then eventually blocks his number.

This is why it’s essential that you follow the steps above before you try to get her back for real.

When she can see for herself that you really have changed, she will naturally open up to refriending you, talking to you on the phone again and meeting up with you in person.


6. Get her to meet up with you in person to say hello as friends. Then, re-attract her at the meet up

Once you’ve gotten your ex to refriend you, go ahead and ask her to meet up with you.

This is always best done over the phone, because it’s easier for you to attract her by being confident and making her laugh, smile and feel good to be talking to you again.

However, if you try to call and she doesn’t answer, don’t worry.

A few minutes later, just send her this message: “Hey Liz, how about we meet up sometime this week for a quick cup of coffee and to say hello as friends?”

If she is hesitant, you can say, “Look, it’s not big deal. It’s just a quick catch up. However, if it makes you feel better, think of it as a chance for us to say goodbye and not contact each other again, if that’s what you really want. So, how about it? I’m busy on Tuesday and Wednesday, but free to catch up on Monday and Thursday. Which day suits you best?”

If she agrees, you can then arrange to meet up with her at a convenient place and time.

When she meets up with you and sees that you really have changed, not only will she not want to say goodbye forever, but she will also be willing to refriend you if she hasn’t already.

Remember: Just because your ex unfriended you on Facebook, it doesn’t mean that all hope is lost.

You can re-attract her via social media and guide her through the rest of the ex back process.

Don’t waste time ignoring your ex or trying to convince her to give you another chance. This simple trick will change her mind and make her want you back today…

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Ah, it’s the age old question of unfriending an ex after a breakup on Facebook.

Should you do it?


Should you not do it?

Well, that’s what we are going to explore today.

Now, I want to start off by saying that you aren’t alone in asking this question. In fact, I must get this question or a form of this question every single day in my private support group helping women through breakups.

No seriously…

Check it out,

Pretty crazy, right?

And these were queries just from the last two days (like I said this is a question that gets asked every single day.)

But you know the thing that really struck me about these people asking these questions.

It’s the fact that most of them were on the other end of the spectrum when it came to unfriending on Facebook.

Rather than being able to ponder what to do about unfriending their ex after the breakup their ex boyfriend had initiated a preemptive strike and unfriended them first.

So, while I was going to just focus this article on whether you should unfriend your ex on Facebook I decided to also include what to do if HE unfriends you.

In other words, this article is going to have two parts,

Part 1: Should You Unfriend Your Ex Boyfriend On Facebook Or Other Social Media After A Breakup

Part 2: What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Unfriends You First

Are you ready to jump in?


Let’s go!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back?

Part One: Should You Unfriend Your Ex On Facebook Or Other Social Media?

Well, ultimately this is a question that depends on your overall goals with your ex.

The way I see it is that when it comes to a breakup with an ex you have two choices,

  1. You can choose to try to get them back
  2. You can choose to try to move on and get over them

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

Most of the women who end up on this site are definitely in the “I want him back category” whereas a small segment just want to “move on.”

However, every once in a while you will get someone who straddles the line of wanting him back and wanting to move on.

Have you ever seen those swinging pendulums?

They just swing back and forth between a fixed point.

Well, that’s how I kind of view those women who swing back and forth between wanting their ex back and then cursing him and wanting to get over him.

It’s my experience that these are the types of women who have the most difficult time with the breakup because they can’t ever seem to make up their minds on what they want.

Now, you may be sitting there and wondering why I am bringing this up.

Well, it’s because in order for this article to be very helpful for you, you need to have your mind made up on what you want.

Unfriending an ex makes a very bold statement but if you go back and forth between unfriending him and then refriending him you are going to kill any progress you can potentially make.

Get it?

So, let’s cut right to the heart of the matter.

If You Decide That You Want Your Ex Back Should You Unfriend Them?

What I am about to say may very well be the most important thing I say regarding Facebook and other social media when it comes to reconnecting with an ex.

Facebook and social media is a weapon and you definitely need to be using it to raise your chances of success.

Studies have found that on average 90% of people will check an exes Facebook after a breakup.

In other words, there is a 90% chance that your ex will come snooping eventually and you need to make sure that when he does he sees you having the time of your life.

Now, lets hit the pause button and talk about the importance of this for a moment.

Why is it important that he sees you having the time of your life?

Well, I have long been a believer that men have this very strange belief that if THEY broke up with you then they think that it makes them better than you for some reason.

They can literally convince themselves that this is you after a breakup,

They think that you are crying over them and eating ice cream in a corner.

So, when they hop on Facebook to see that you are actually having the time of your life,

It does something interesting to their perception of you.

Instead of thinking of you as this weak woman who can’t get over a breakup they start to realize that maybe they didn’t mean as much to you as they originally thought.

If there is one universal truth about men it’s the fact that we all want to feel wanted by woman.

Take that away from us and we become like putty in your hands.

Now, lets switch gears for a moment and answer a pretty big question.

If You Decide You Don’t Want Your Ex Back Should You Unfriend Them?

There is no easy way to say this so I am just going to spit it out.

Getting over an ex isn’t as easy as you think.

How do I know?

Well, I understand the body chemistry behind it.

But before I get to that I have a question to ask you,

Do you think that it is easy for a cocaine addict to kick the habit completely?

Usually not.

I mean, I have heard some crazy stories about addicts robbing their own families just so they can find money for a “fix.”

Now you may be sitting there and wondering why I am bringing up such an “off limits” subject since it has nothing to do with a breakup.

Well… not so fast.

Did you know that the part of the brain that becomes active when you are going through a severe heartbreak is the same part of the brain that becomes active when a drug addict is going through withdrawal?

In other words, you are experiencing a lot of the same physical manifestations that you would if you had a drug problem.

Now, I have been doing this a very long time (half a decade to be exact) and I have found that the best way to get over a breakup is to limit your temptations.

We live in a world where we can literally check up on our ex in a matter of seconds through Facebook.

And even though checking up on our exes through Facebook seems like a small thing (and it is) it can balloon into a big thing that can prevent you from getting over him because you are engaging in your addiction.

Now I am going to say something shocking to you.

Are you ready?

I don’t think you should unfriend your ex on Facebook.


This way you limit his avenues to talk to you and it’s a way that you can stop yourself from constantly getting addicted to seeing what he is up to.

Part 2: What Should You Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Unfriends You First

And now we switch gears and start talking about what the heck to do if your ex boyfriend unfriends you on Facebook.

Before we get into the nitty gritty I do have one little statement to make,

Going forward I am just going to operate under the assumption that you want your ex back.

After all, if you really were trying to get over your ex you wouldn’t care at all if he unfriended you, would you?

Ok, so the biggest mistake I see women making now-a-days when this happens is that they react in a crazy way.

Take one of the questions I posted above at the beginning of the article,

(Side Note: This is a real comment from a woman in our Private Support Group.)

This is a prime example of reacting in a crazy way.

Think about it for a moment.

Your ex boyfriend unfriends you and you are so hurt by it that you directly confront him to ask him way.

Does this seem like desperate behavior to you?

The answer is YES!

Look, in these kinds of circumstances it’s important to not react.

However, it’s also important to immediately set a goal.

And in this case your goal is to get your ex to “refriend you”

So, how do you make him do that?

Well, I am a big believer in the rungs of the ladder approach to getting an ex back.

You see, a surefire way to ruin your chances of getting your ex back is to try to do everything all at once.

Re-connection rarely happens that way.

Instead, a smarter approach is to slowly but surely work your way up the re-connection ladder.

So, maybe it looks a little something like this,

(For a more complete look at our process for getting an ex boyfriend back check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)

Do you see how it works.

In little bite sized steps you slowly work your way towards getting your ex to to become your friend again on Facebook or other social media platforms.

Now, I know you are probably sitting there thinking,

Ya, I get it but how do I ask him?

Honestly I don’t think you have to.

It’s all a matter of timing.

Consider this for a moment.

Lets say that your ex boyfriend unfriended you yesterday and you were to immediately try to refriend him the very next day.

What are the chances that he would accept your friend request?

Probably very low, right?

Now let’s say that it’s two months later and you and your ex have been flirting a lot recently.

So, you decide to send him a friend request.

What are the chances that he would accept it now?

Much higher, right?

Timing matters when you try to get him to refriend you.

Now, would that be the exact way I would go about recommending one of my clients to send a friend request to an ex?


I’d probably recommend them to qualify the friend request.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back?

How To Qualify A Friend Request To An Ex

What I am about to teach you here is really ninja so listen up.

No, not like that.

It’s important that you don’t friend request an ex out of the blue. That is very weird and bound to get ignored.

Instead, what you want to do is qualify the friend request so that it makes complete sense to him when you send it.

Imagine that the two of you are texting back and forth and you text him this,

After sending that text you wait for exactly three minutes and then you text him this,

Now, the genius behind this method is that you are the one leading him into doing it.

Of course, this method will only work if you time it properly.

In other words, you can’t try this method if you aren’t in a good place with him. If he still hates your guts then forget it you need to first work on getting him to not hate your guts.

The other catch is that this method only works if you have something super interesting to share.

In the example I decided to choose something funny because that is what would appeal to me but it works even better if it appeals to his interests.

For example, if you know that your ex is really into movies and his favorite movie just announced a sequel then it might be a good idea to send him something around that.

Generally the better your “bait” is it’ll start a new conversation in a new medium and it can be exciting for both of you!

Facebook friendship is fleeting and borderline meaningless. But that doesn’t mean rejection and betrayal don’t sting. Getting dumped is horrible, painful, and guaranteed to happen. Here’s how to handle a devastating digital breakup.

Factors to consider

It’s possible you’re really goddamn annoying on Facebook—lots of stupid shared “joke pictures,” confrontational political statements, mundane check-ins—in which case, who can blame anyone for unfriending you? You’re a terrible friend. Friends should be interesting. Why weren’t you more interesting? You brought this upon yourself, and now everyone is running away from you. Start being better and you’ll start making friends. That’s your best shot.


But let’s say you’re just a regular guy being cool on Facebook—posting the occasional fun photo, insightful link, amusing status update, thoughtful birthday wishes. You manage your Timeline like a pro! You’re a good person, and a good Facebook Friend.

And someone still unfriends you. You have reason to be offended. When friendship means so, so precious little, taking the time to click enough to remove someone from your list of fake friends is hugely insulting. You’re beneath fake friendship. Someone doesn’t even want to see your name written down on an LCD screen. You’re repulsive to them. Unfriending on Facebook is like being kicked out of fat camp for being too fat. And ugly. Ugly and fat.

But, don’t forget:

Unfriending is healthy

It’s a normal, perfectly rational thing people do on Facebook all the time. Most of your hundreds of Facebook friends aren’t actually your friends, because it’s emotionally impossible for a single person to have hundreds of friends simultaneously. Being unfriended might be someone simply waking up and recognizing the absurdity Facebook thrusts us into. They’re just attempting to rectify it, using features built into said social network.


And yet…

We’re all petty enough to care.

Let it go, but be weird about it

If it’s someone you actually know—a coworker, friend of a friend, some peripheral talking blob—you probably shouldn’t make a fuss. Particularly, if they’re connected to someone who is actually important in your life, it’s best to just let the affront slide.


But some day, whenever the two of you meet in person again, you’ll briefly lock eyes. I know what you did, and you know what you did. It’s a moment of mutual panic, guilt, and animus. That’ll quickly subside, and you’ll go about your lives. Who knows, maybe you’ll both end up forgetting the whole thing. You might even friend one another again. And so the cycle continues.

Or, if you feel like a fight…

Call them the hell out

This part is fun. If you’re not really worried what these people think about you, publicly expose what they truly are—cruel. Cruel jerks. They’ll get their comeuppance. These unfrienders think you probably won’t even notice, and if you ever do, you’ll be too apathetic or nervous to say anything about it.


But bringing up the vile act—either online or in person—will shock them to their core. They’ll be taken aback that you’re enough of a weirdo to bring up a Facebook unfriending. Watch as they stammer excuses, stutter, and try to explain. They’ll offer to refriend you. “It was a mistake! Oh, how did that happen?” They’ll feel bad and weird and guilty. They’ll feel something, which is better than Facebook’s typical emotional feedback void. Sure, it’s trolling, but it’ll make you feel better without any kind of real moral transgression. The Internet should always be making you feel better.


This happened to me last year, when, after posting about a Facebook bug that actually revealed who’d defriended you, one girl I sort of used to know, who’d recently deleted me, reached out. Panic-stricken. Ashamed. But I forgave—as should you. Now we’re sort of faux-friends again on The Book, and all is well. If anything, we’re closer!

Just remember:

There’s nothing wrong with a little revenge online. The consequences are so low, the results so ephemeral. What would’ve been a hissy fit IRL is as simple as sending an email. When all that’s required is a slide and tap of the finger, petty loses the fight against pettier. You win. And then you can add the reconciliation to your Timeline as a Major Life Event.


User Manual is Gizmodo’s guide to etiquette. It appears as if by magic every Friday.

Girl unfriended me on Facebook

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