- You’re Meant to Be Single If You Show These 10 Signs
- 1. You have high avoidance goals
- 2. You are single at heart
- 3. You have a sense of personal mastery
- 4. You are highly self-sufficient
- 5. You don’t like being tied down
- 6. You’re afraid you’ll miss out on something better
- 7. You’re an opportunity addict
- 8. You question your purpose in life
- 9. You’re not willing to settle for less than perfection
- 10. The thought of sharing your finances terrifies you
- I’m Starting To Think I’m Meant To Be Alone… And I’m Fine With That
- We Are Not Meant to Live Alone
- Am I Meant to Be Alone?
- Am I Meant to Be Alone Forever?
- I believe most people have said, “I’m meant to be alone,” at some point in their life.
- Some feel this way all the time.
- Kind of a crappy way to go through life, don’t ya think?
- There are so many ways we hurt ourselves, because we believe it’s all we deserve deep in our beliefs.
- Fear of being hurt.
- You see “meant to be alone,” is a choice. Just like choosing creamer for your coffee.
- Time for a whole new vision of yourself and the world.
- All you have to do is say “yes!”
- I believe most people have said, “I’m meant to be alone,” at some point in their life.
- 1. “I’m bored.”
- 2. “What are you up to?”
- 3. “I’m fine.”
- 4. “I just want to be alone.”
- 5. “I’m horny.”
- 6. “I’ve been feeling down lately.”
- 7. “Thinking of you!”
- 8. “I figured you were busy.”
- 9. “Do you want some company?”
- 10. “I wish…”
- 11. “Everyone says they’re there for you, but aren’t when you need them.”
- 12. “I don’t mind getting home late.”
- Not Meant to be in a Relationship?
- Am I not Meant to be in a Relationship?
- Accepting Not Every Relationship is Meant for Love
You’re Meant to Be Single If You Show These 10 Signs
Have you ever found yourself wondering what exactly is so appealing about being in a relationship in the first place? Once the initial butterflies quit fluttering and that can’t-keep-your-hands-off-one-another feeling fades, it’s clear to see that some people — no matter how romantically inclined or sexually attracted they may be — just aren’t really the relationship type. And obviously, that’s OK. If you identify with any of these 10 signs, you may be better off single (No. 9 is a sign you already know you’re meant to be single).
1. You have high avoidance goals
Couple having problems | iStock.com/nd3000
For people who absolutely cannot deal with disagreements, being single just may be their happy place. Although modern society and a social media-obsessed culture often dubs people in relationships happier than those not in relationships, some research begs to differ. In a study published in Social Psychological & Personality Science, researchers evaluated the connection between being happy, or unhappy, and relationship status.
The study found that single people who had high-avoidance goals, meaning they are most concerned with preventing relationship conflict and disagreements, were just as happy as those who were in a relationship. On the flip side, people with a lot of approach goals, meaning they strive to enhance relationship closeness, experienced greater life satisfaction, and were particularly happy when they were in a relationship.
Next: What does your heart tell you?
2. You are single at heart
Sometimes you may just be single at heart. | iStock.com/AnaBGD
As Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., puts it in Psychology Today, being single is all in your perception of it. And as she prefers to explain it, a person is single at heart when they see themselves as single, as opposed to referring to being single as some sort of personal failure. Whether your life includes the occasional romantic relationship, someone who’s single at heart doesn’t aspire to live as part of a long-term couple. So, just as some people feel they are meant to have children, the same can be said about those who are at their best when they’re single.
Next: You are less likely to have negative emotions if you have this.
3. You have a sense of personal mastery
You may want to be single if you like your do-it-yourself attitude. | iStock.com/m-imagephotography
Lots of people have a can-do attitude, and regardless of relationship status, this outlook delivers a sense of accomplishment, pride, and positivity. If you’re certain you can do anything you set your mind to, consider yourself a contender for single at heart.
When a person has a sense of personal mastery, they are less likely to experience negative emotions. Just think about when a toddler is taught to dress himself, rather than always having his parent automatically do it for him. He’ll be left with feelings of pride and a sense of accomplishment because he’s done it himself. Similarly, DePaulo says that for singles, the link between personal mastery and freedom from negative feelings is stronger than it is for people in a relationship.
Next: How self-sufficient are you?
4. You are highly self-sufficient
If you like doing everything yourself, you may be better off single. | iStock.com/utah778
Being self-sufficient doesn’t just mean you’re capable of dealing with things on your own, but that you actually like to deal with things on your own. If a person has been single for some time, it’s obvious they’re likely to do things on their own, regardless of whether they want to at first. However, as time goes on and they repeatedly take decision-making into their own hands, they’ll likely become more confident in doing so. “For people who have always been single, the more self-sufficient they are, the less likely they are to experience negative emotions,” DePaulo says. “For people who are currently married, though, it’s the opposite — the more they like dealing with things on their own, the more likely they are to have negative feelings.”
Next: Being tied down can be a drag.
5. You don’t like being tied down
You may just enjoy your freedom too much. | iStock.com/ladyana89
While not all relationships require a person to be attached to their partner’s hip at all times, if you’re someone who feels your freedom is totally revoked in each and every relationship you’ve been in, the single life may be best for you.
As relationship expert and author April Masini told Bustle, “Some people simply know they want to stay single. They enjoy the freedom, and they don’t have any anxiety about missing out on being part of a couple.” And trading in your freedom for a life partner better be something you’ve put a lot of thought into.
Next: Is there always something better out there?
6. You’re afraid you’ll miss out on something better
You may want to stay single if you have serious FOMO. | iStock.com/LittleBee80
You’re familiar with FOMO, right? Good, because the fear of missing out is a very real thing in today’s social media obsessed world. HuffPost explains many people are concerned they may be missing out on something more fun, more beneficial, or more productive. Well, the same can be said about relationships — but in a good way.
While FOMO often comes with a negative connotation, it may also help explain why you choose to be single, and are happy doing so.
Next: An addiction to opportunity
7. You’re an opportunity addict
Too many opportunities can lead you to choose the single life. | iStock.com
There’s nothing wrong with seeking various opportunities and running with them. And maybe you’re that kind of person. Although this Inc. article describes the addiction to opportunity in business terms, the same can be applied to relationships.
Think back to the previously mentioned notion of being single at heart, regardless of occasional (often short-lived) romantic relationships. Even if you’re a person who likes to date around or isn’t afraid to get to know someone new, that doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t choosing to be single in the long run.
Next: What is the purpose of your life?
8. You question your purpose in life
You may be waiting for your greater purpose. | iStock.com
If you believe you were put on this earth for a specific purpose, it’s possible you may spend your entire existence seeking your true calling. Or, maybe you just want to know where you fit into everything. If either of these sounds like you, a relationship may not be the best idea.
Dr. Jennifer Howard tells Bustle the reason a person isn’t in a happy, healthy relationship may be because they want to know on a deeper level why they’re here. And maybe this search will last a lifetime. Were you put on this earth for a purpose far bigger than yourself? Discovering the real reasons for your existence is a powerful journey, one that may demand your sole attention, sans significant other.
Next: Deep down you might already know.
9. You’re not willing to settle for less than perfection
You want a relationship as perfect as that gorgeous market produce. | iStock.com/m-imagephotography
Most people know there’s no such thing as perfection. Despite this, there are still some who will stop at nothing in their search for Mr. or Mrs. Right. If you’re self-aware enough to admit you’re looking for perfection, yet you know deep down you’ll never find it, you’ve already acknowledged you’re meant to be single. As long as you’re completely fine with the reality that no one will ever live up to your idea of perfection, you’ll be more than content without a significant other by your side.
Next: Sharing this terrifies you.
10. The thought of sharing your finances terrifies you
You may be more married to your finances than you ever will be to a partner. | iStock.com/dolgachov
There are certainly couples who keep their finances separate. But if we’re being honest here, money often muddies the relationship waters, even if you and your partner do commit to keeping your own bank accounts. With a dinner here and an anniversary gift there, your earnings are bound to cross paths at some point. But if you’re just not willing to share the fruits of your labor with any other person, the single life is calling your name.
Interestingly — although not too surprisingly — financial issues are often behind relationship rifts. According to the American Institute of CPAs, “Couples average three arguments a month about financial issues.” Additionally, three in 10 couples who are married or live together admit they’ve been deceitful about money. If it’s just not worth it to you, you’re better off if you just take your money and run.
I’m Starting To Think I’m Meant To Be Alone… And I’m Fine With That
I’ve always been a lone wolf, and while I do like to be alone sometimes more than I like being around people, I’m starting to worry that being alone is going to be a permanent theme in my life. Here’s why:
I prefer to do most activities by myself.
When I think about all of my favorite things to do, nine times out of 10, I’d rather do it alone. I’ll go to the movies alone, eat dinner alone, go to the beach alone, go shopping alone… I find I’m able to “take it all in” and really enjoy what I’m doing if I’m not distracted with making sure someone else is entertained. The only exceptions, of course, would be conversation and sex. But even then…
Every guy I’ve dated has said he “just can’t do this anymore.”
Maybe I’m just undateable and that’s just the way life’s gonna be. It could be that the guys I date pick up on my “I don’t need you” vibe and start feeling unworthy or unwanted, making them less attracted to me. I can’t really explain it, but none of my relationships have ever really stuck. We’ll be together for some time and then he’ll say something like, “I can’t be with someone like you,” or “I just can’t do this.” It’s no coincidence that guys don’t want to date me. I honestly think it’s just the way I’m made.
I already own a cat.
Yes, I have a cat, and I friggin’ love her with all of my heart. I have no shame in being a cat lady, which is one more reason why I think I’m seriously born to be alone. Not that all pet owners are destined to be spinsters, but there must be some truth to the stereotype, at least where I’m concerned.
It’s always been hard for me to make friends.
Forming new relationships with people has never come easy for me. As a child with mild social anxiety, I was incredibly shy and was sometimes even made fun of because I didn’t talk. I spent most of my recesses sitting under a tree or drawing pictures in the sand all by myself. Sad, right? Nowadays, I have a few really close friends but other than that, I spend most of my time just kickin’ it alone and that’s probably how it’s always going to be.
It’s incredibly easy for me to spend a week completely alone.
Days and days will go by without social interaction and I don’t even miss a beat. I don’t get lonely easily. It takes a very long time for me to get tired of myself and to need some social stimulation. I feel like the time period in which I’m okay with being alone will only get longer as I get older. So, here’s to an eternity of solitude.
I prefer casual relationships to serious ones.
I tend to err on the side of casual, and come to think of it, every time my relationships start to get serious, they totally tank. Maybe it’s because I get bored or maybe it’s because I treasure my independence SO much that I’ll give up being with someone long-term just so I can keep that independent self-image intact.
I don’t have the desire to get married.
Just looking at a wedding dress gives me anxiety. I never dreamed of my wedding as a little girl. While all of my friends were drawing out what their wedding dresses would look like, I just wanted to play in the mud. I’ve honestly never even given it a second thought… before now. I’m thinking about it more and more, what with the constant pressure to conform to society and everything. Maybe I was so disinterested in marriage as a kid because I always kinda knew I’d be going at it alone — and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, right?
I’m too good at reading people.
When I start dating someone new, it takes me mere minutes to know whether or not I want to date them long-term. Since I have such good intuition when it comes to reading people, I end up cutting the relationship short or suggest we just fool around for a while/keep it casual to keep things from getting too serious. Come to think of it, if I didn’t have this “gift,” I’m sure I would have never even considered that I might be destined to be a lonely girl.
I’m a special seed.
Maybe I’m just too different and the only other people who I get along with are, dare I say, a little weird. I’ve been told on many occasions that I’m totally whacked and probably from some other planetary system. I’m a weirdo and damn proud of it. There are not many of us in the world and we all seem to have one thing in common — we all think we’re destined to be alone. Here’s to hoping we find each other.
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We Are Not Meant to Live Alone
John Robbins, the heir to the Baskin-Robbins ice cream fortune, stated on the Coast to Coast radio show that one of the surprises of his research into cultures known for their longevity, was the importance of love and healthy relationships. Loneliness and negative interactions can depress the functioning of the body’s systems and lead to poor health, Robbins reported. “I believe that ultimately it is the love in our lives that underlies and makes possible our greatest healing and longevity.”
I have also heard that the number one killer in our society is not cancer or heart disease – it is loneliness. This is not a surprise to me, as loneliness is often the underlying feeling that so many people attempt to avoid with their various addictions.
People in cultures known for their longevity generally do not live alone.
Before modern civilization, people did not live alone. Our civilized way of life has led to the loneliness that is endemic in our society.
We are not meant to live alone. We are meant to live in caring communities with people to turn to for love and connection, and for help when we need it. Love, connection and support are vital for our health and wellbeing.
Without caring family, community, or friends to turn to, we lack the connection with others that we all need. However, in order to feel connected with others, we first need to be connected with ourselves.
We all need the feeling of inner connection that comes from practicing Inner Bonding and being tuned in to ourselves and to our personal source of spiritual guidance. We need the feeling of inner connection that comes from taking loving care of ourselves – physically, emotionally and spiritually. But the goal of inner connection is not being alone. When we connect with ourselves and with our spiritual guidance, we fill ourselves with love – and we then want to share that love with others.
No matter how inwardly connected we are, we are not islands unto ourselves.
We need others with whom to share our love and our joy. We need others to play with and learn with. And we need others to turn to in times of sadness and grief. Without this, we feel lonely.
Loneliness is one of the hardest feelings to feel. The feeling itself can be experienced as life threatening since we could have died as babies if we were left alone for too long. We can feel lonely in many different situations: when we are alone and have no one with whom to share love, when we are with people who are not open to connecting with us, and when we are with people and we are not open to connecting with them.
The feeling of loneliness may be so painful that you turn to various addictions to avoid the feeling.
Many people do not even know that they are feeling lonely because they respond addictively so quickly. They the grab the food, the drink, the drug, the cigarette, turn on the TV, get busy, or get angry before they are aware of having a feeling, and then wonder why they cannot stop their addictions. Often people become addicted to a dysfunctional relationship and cannot leave for fear of the loneliness and disconnection. When people are not connected with themselves and their spiritual guidance, they may have a connection addiction, constantly pulling on others for the connection they so desperately need.
Continual loneliness and the inner aloneness from inner disconnection, create much stress in the body, which leads to illness. In addition to proper nutrition and exercise, one reason certain cultures live long and healthy lives is that they have love and connection with others always available to them.
Do not discount the power and importance of inner and relationship connection.
If you want optimal health, you need to take the actions on your own behalf to seek out loving and caring people and to do the Inner Bonding work necessary to become a loving and caring person with yourself and with others.
One of the reasons we created the Inner Bonding membership community is to provide the sense of community that we all need. In our membership community, individuals receive the love, compassion, caring and support that they might not have anywhere else in their lives. While a virtual community isn’t the the same as a physical community, it can provide a sense of connection that is often missing in our current society.
Heal your relationships with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
Join IBVillage to connect with others and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.
Am I Meant to Be Alone?
Do you remember sitting on the playground, minding your own damn business, and out of absolutely nowhere someone comes along and shoves you face-first off the seesaw you were straddling? You meander to the nurse’s office because your face now has wood chips implanted at odd angles. The nurse chuckles and tells you, “Oh sweetie, they shoved you because they like you.” You stare blankly for a moment, giving your grade school brain a moment to process this information. You come to the same conclusion most adults find: How the hell does that make any sense at all?
As a 25-year-old female it disturbs me how much these tactics still apply in the world today. At times, dating feels impossible. Recently, there has been a reoccurring question I have never asked myself until now: Is everybody meant to date someone? What happens if I am meant to be alone?
Before anyone calls Oprah or Dr. Phil, please be assured: I am a “normal” woman, according to society’s standards. I wouldn’t describe myself as someone to stand out in a crowd, but my friends may disagree. I’m 6’1” with a model-like build, which is one of the several reasons that dating apps are impossible for me. Preferably, it’s nice to meet someone through mutual friends, or even at a bar. Have you tried to walk up to a total stranger at a bar? You tap their shoulder, or even come up with something terribly cheesy to say and most of the time, it is followed with them asking you to repeat what you said due to a) not hearing over the music and/or crowd or b) Candy Crush being too distracting on their phone.
Surprisingly, I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months now, and I am not 100 percent convinced that the dating world is for me. People say “it’s me, not you” all the time on TV and in the movies. 12-year-old me would have called bullshit on that. As a secret hopeless romantic at heart, I believed anything could be worked out through time and communication. Now, 25, I feel more than ever that “it’s me, not you” is qualified ground to place your flag on.
This may be a shout into the void, but: How do you know if you’re not meant to date? For example, I am currently seeing a wonderful human that treats me like a damn princess and I have days that I want to take my skin off and be someone else. I’m not afraid of commitment, but I am a creature of habit, I just genuinely think something might be wrong with me. I like having a friend to spend time with, but most days, I’m overly independent and get annoyed that someone wants to do something as boring as errands with me. This kind of thinking is toxic and convinces me that I am unworthy of love.
So I would like to make a declaration to people who also feel this way:
There is nothing wrong with you. Everyone is trying to figure out who we are and who we want to become. Love is no easy exception from this. There are a lot of fake people in the world today. They care more about how many Instagram followers they have over the genuine human connections they keep in their actual life.
Please read this and be rest assured that at times it is normal to feel like being alone is the best possible option. What is important is that we work on identifying what we can do to better ourselves. The only thing we have control of 100 percent of at the end of the day is how we conduct ourselves. The rest will follow. I have been reading books on the five Love Languages, which I highly recommend, as it helps me to see how others might accept love–and more so, helps me understand why I might enjoy being alone and the kind of love I am most responsive to. (Link Below)
Lastly, let’s teach our future someday kids, nieces, nephews, etc. that shoving someone off a seesaw is not a great way to flirt. Knock that shit off. Thank you.
Am I Meant to Be Alone Forever?
I believe most people have said, “I’m meant to be alone,” at some point in their life.
The sinking feeling you get when you “are” alone and feel disconnected; that moment where you feel something is irrevocably wrong with you and you just don’t play well in the sandbox with others.
It also appears when you’re having trouble or feel alone in your relationship. Maybe you believe no one is compatible with you? Doomed.
Those moments bring a sense of profoundness in their depth of emotion. Whether the emotion is anger, frustration, sadness or nostalgia…. its very strongly felt.
Some feel this way all the time.
It doesn’t matter where, in a room full of people or alone; it’s that feeling of separation or difference and not being able to overcome oneself and be vulnerable.
Seems we physiologically were born to be connected and belong. So if our wiring is set up this way, why the doubt or feeling of “loner-ville?”
Most of our feelings of thinking it’s meant to be this way are derived from past experiences. We think thoughts about ourselves, which aren’t true. We think we’re different, unique, difficult and weird. No one gets us, etc…
It’s just not true. We get caught in this cycle by talking ourselves into it and then we’re afraid to give someone a chance, because we were hurt in the past.
Kind of a crappy way to go through life, don’t ya think?
I know how I can be—I was alone in the past in many ways, thinking it was how I got along best. I was wrong. I was really lonely and depressed. I didn’t realize it, though anxiety was a constant companion. I thought I was just fine.
Being alone at times is a good thing; we can get clear, spend time doing what we want or need, etc. Too much of it though and we start building walls against the rest of humanity.
It can feel really safe and comfortable to be alone. The loneliness may take you down a few notches at times, but there is a place to hide when we are alone.
I used to find myself having a very difficult time, if I had no choice to be around others and wasn’t in the mood. I’d feel pressure to run away, needing to find my dark corner, so I could gather me up, put my pieces back together and calm my thoughts.
I don’t find this happens too often anymore, I prefer being around others, because it energizes me. Laughter is more enjoyable when shared with others.
It took a huge effort to believe I wasn’t meant to be alone. There are still days I wonder. When I look at my past relationships, I believe I sabotaged any hope of my love life ending up in a long-term commitment. Was I trying to end up alone, because of my choices? Was I just re-creating my childhood dynamics, which included my belief that I was alone? Unworthy?
Have you committed to a toxic relationship, because you will eventually break-up and be alone?
How about unrealistic expectations of what the relationship is supposed to fulfill? Is it proof you’re so high-maintenance that you’re meant to be alone?
And then in the fear of ending up alone, some settle, because they’re insecure that what they really want isn’t out there. Or who they really want wouldn’t want them, so they take the long, slow death.
We talk ourselves in and out of things all the time. So, why talk ourselves into believing we’re meant to be alone?
Because it’s safe.
You don’t have to do anything; don’t change your perception, bust out of your patterns and stunt your growth, because that safety is just fear in disguise.
Fear of being hurt.
It always goes back to trusting ourselves to “handle hurt.” We are afraid of our own pain, our ability to deal with our emotions, if someone disappoints us.
It’s easier to deal with the pain of loneliness than the possible annihilation, which comes with being vulnerable and someone hurting us, irreversibly.
I know I was petrified for years of the possibility of someone ripping my heart out. I developed relationships, which were long, drawn out, pining for someone who for whatever reason had become invisible. Even better, were my impossible relationships—doomed to fail from the get-go. Safe and torturous.
And when any of those situations looked like it may work out, I made sure I sabotaged it with actions and excuses as to why it would never work, so I could go back to my safe lonely corner of the world.
You see “meant to be alone,” is a choice. Just like choosing creamer for your coffee.
When you’re open-hearted, love is there. Slowing down and recognizing when you say “no,” to opportunities to connect, check out your list of reasons why not, and ask yourself are they true?
Your match is out there. You may have to wade through a sea of jellyfish when you’re looking for the “star” fish. It also requires you to see where you have or are settling in a relationship, and get out.
Really do it, otherwise you’re alone everyday.
Time for a whole new vision of yourself and the world.
Take an eraser and wipe the slate clean of your past experiences, which influence your present choices.
It’s time to ask yourself those deeper questions, such as are you willing to be open to love someone else and yourself? Can you give up some independence for some inter-dependence? Can you be vulnerable and not completely freak-out?
It’s way more fun to not retreat to a dark corner, but instead to experience the laughter, tears, physical affection, friendship, love, support, and messiness that each of is with someone else.
All you have to do is say “yes!”
Editor: Lynn Hasselberger
I’m a 29 year old virgin, soon to be 30. I’ve never been in a relationship. For most of my school days, I’ve not had the maturity to see girls as a potential partner. I’ve had crushes, but I’ve not had the motivation to go further than that. From there on, during my higher studies, my work and wherever I went, girls were few, or were far older or far younger. The few who were in my age group were already married or were in a relationship. Even fewer were not looking (as they were conservative and wanted only arranged marriage) and I wasn’t attracted to many in the first place. Also all through my youth, I’ve had the thought imposed on me by the more conservative “elders” that “I shouldn’t go disturb girls,” “Flirting is cheap,” “Now is not the time to look for girls, you need to settle well in life first,” “A real gentleman doesn’t go after girls,” so on. Adding to this, my female friends have often said to me how “this guy tried to flirt with me” or “that pathetic guy is coming after me all the time.” In some cases, those guys were really behaving in a creepy manner, while in other instances, some of my female friends were misunderstanding out of fear and concern. Nonetheless I didn’t want to be “creepy” or “being misunderstood” and was always conscious about earning a good name and respected by all. I’ve always waited patiently that my time would come and the right girl will come eventually. So far hasn’t happened…
Now as I grow older, I come across more and more people who say that I should have found a gf earlier in life. Most people (both from conservative backgrounds and more open types) are married or in relationships now. Every person I meet is surprised to know that I’ve never been in a relationship and I doubt some even look down upon me because of that. Even friends make fun of me occasionally that I haven’t experienced anything in life yet and I’m missing out on my youth. Even my friends who appeared conservative in the past, now start to reveal how they’ve had flings, one night stands and secret relationships. The very people seeing whom I took comfort knowing I’m not alone. Now I truly feel alone. Even my parents ask me why I haven’t found a gf yet. When I say I thought they were not approving of it, they say parents would never openly welcome their kids going after girls, but they never stopped me from trying to get a gf. It’s like the perspective of the entire world has changed suddenly and worrying about them and trying to gain their approval, I’ve missed out on life.
Even a cousin, a friend or two asked me if I was going to get married anytime soon. When I said I don’t intend to get an arranged marriage, as I’m of the opinion that marriage should only be as a celebration of love and I shouldn’t get married just for the sake of it, for I can’t truly fulfill the duties of a husband, a father in the future, if I’m not in love. For this they say, it’s too late to fall in love and that I should have started trying that in college or in my early twenties. This makes me really sad. Its like I’ve kept waiting saying my time will come eventually and suddenly everyone is saying your time is already up and you’ve missed it.
There have been numerous instances where I’ve had sexual urges, but I’ve controlled it. There have also been opportunities where I could have had sex. I’ve tormented myself keeping repressed, both romantically and sexually due to my conditioning by the conservative society that I’m from. But suddenly that conservative society seems to have changed into an open minded one. And this only hurts me more. To make matters worse, I start to see more and more people from the younger generation in my city and in my culture, being more open about love, sex, relationships and even parents and elders being encouraging of it. And it makes me tearful thinking why wasn’t I supported like that before in my own youth. Some friends say it is not too late anymore, go out and enjoy life. A couple friends even encourage going to a hooker to satisfy myself till I find a long term wife (even now they don’t believe I can have a gf or it is too late). But I can never go that way, cos I’m still a hopeless romantic on the inside. Every time when I contemplate becoming more open at least sexually, if not for love, a voice inside me still says, “please wait! You’ve suffered alone all this while. Suffer a bit more. The right one will come along eventually. Don’t lose everything now…Keep yourself for her, just for her…”
While that appears all romantic, there is also the thought in me that I should also find someone who is just like that. I tried talking to people, trying to be more open toward people who have had a “past,” but I simply can’t be ok with it. I want a girl who hasn’t been touched by another man, who hasn’t jumped from person to person, who hasn’t gotten drunk and slept around or had multiple bfs or divorces in the past. While in India (where I’m from), still a lot of girls remain virgin even in their mid-twenties, these are people preparing themselves for an arranged marriage. The romantic ones have already fallen in love, succeeded and gotten married or failed and tried to get in more relationships. Then there are a few who have fallen in love and failed to get married, and these lot have become too cautious or too broken on the inside. So the probability for me to find someone just like me is very little and as I get older and older, the chances dwindle even more. And this creates in me a great anxiety. Some people advise, “well you’ve waited too long, now you have to settle for people who have had a past and that true love doesn’t see these things.” Well that is true…but I guess I will never have the capacity for true love, for I can adjust or adapt with many things, but not with the fact that they’ve been in love with someone else or had been in relationships. I know its not their fault. I don’t judge them to be bad. Life does take people in different courses and everyone gets better with experiences in life. I shouldn’t judge or look down upon them. I respect them all anyway. I’m not intimidated either. But I feel like I will never feel them to be “mine” while I will be entirely “hers.” It’s just that I want a girl, just for me, as I’ve kept myself just for her. Whatever I do, I can’t get over this…and now I’m heart broken and lonely…I’m kind of getting ripped between my romanticism, my unrealistic expectations, my repressed feelings and desires, my ideal view of life (which can be an illusion) and what not. Life truly is tough…I wish I can redo my life. Go back to my youth. Start all over. Get rid of all the conservative thoughts imposed on to me and be free, and more open minded. But that is not how life works. Guess I’m meant to suffer forever. And when I say all these things to people in real life, people say I’m obnoxious, nit-picking, too dreamy and am judgemental. I’m trying my best, but it just makes me cry…I hope at least one of the readers here can understand my agony.
1. “I’m bored.”
Everyone experiences loneliness sometimes. But the thing about loneliness is that it often makes you believe you’re the only one going through it. That because you are feeling lonely, you must have no friends, you must be unlovable, you must be someone no one would want to hang out with.
But this couldn’t be further from the truth, and it’s time we talk openly about the reality that everyone gets lonely sometimes.
Because feeling lonely is something a lot of us feel ashamed about, people tend to use “code words” or phrases that mean “I’m lonely,” without coming right out and saying it. Some may hint at what they are feeling, hoping their loved ones pick up on the clues. Others may post indirect and passive aggressive notes on social media because it’s harder to admit directly that they miss their loved one. And while these reactions are completely natural and understandable, it’s important to remember direct communication can get your needs met in a more satisfying way.
No matter what reason someone has for using “code words” that really mean “I’m lonely,” talking about these phrases can help us identify loved ones who are struggling and offer them the love and support they need. We wanted to know what “code words” people used to indirectly communicate they were feeling lonely, so we asked members of our Mighty community to share one phrase they say.
Here’s what they shared with us:
“’I’m bored.’ Since it’s usually just me and my cat and no one else. And when I’m lonely, my depression gets worse and I have no motivation to move.” — Courtney B.
“I say I’m bored, because I don’t want to sound needy.” — Jessica E.
2. “What are you up to?”
“‘What you up to?’ is my code for ‘Please spend time with me if you can.’ My problem is I always offer people an out, so unless they say they want to spend time with me, I’m often left alone.” — Jenny B.
“‘Are you free tonight?’ Majority of the time it’s a last-minute text, and majority of the time their answer is no. But just on the off chance they say yes…. I won’t have to be lonely anymore.” — Hali B.
3. “I’m fine.”
“‘I’m fine’ usually covers a lot.” — Christine P.
“‘I’m fine.’ ‘I’m just a mess, I’ll be OK.’ Literally almost anytime I say stuff like that it’s really that I’m feeling overwhelmingly lonely or just down. The anxiety and depression just weighs too much and I feel alone. But I don’t like to admit it.” — Hailey M.
4. “I just want to be alone.”
“Counterproductive… but I normally say, ‘I kind of just want to be alone.’ I push people away when I need them the most. I think I mostly just want someone to push me, that way I know they care and that I’m not just a burden. That they actually want to spend time with me.” — Alan B.
“Saying I prefer to be alone. I like to be alone but it would be nice if someone checked up on me every now and then.” — Alexis D.
5. “I’m horny.”
“‘I’m horny.’ I’ve always had trouble making friends and lots of times my only company is my significant other. I’ve also had trouble maintaining romantic relationships and sometimes it’s easier to connect with a man on a sexual level than on an emotional one.” — Sandy M.
6. “I’ve been feeling down lately.”
“‘I’ve just been really down lately’ in hopes that person will want to do something with me to help me feel better and less alone.” — Roxy R.
7. “Thinking of you!”
“Message saying, ‘Thinking of you’ to my local contacts.” — Jane M.
8. “I figured you were busy.”
“‘I figured you were busy.’ I say this because even though I wanted to reach out. I don’t ever want to be a burden.” — Kendall C.
9. “Do you want some company?”
“‘Do you want some company?’ I find myself saying this daily, because if I tell someone I’m lonely, my brain convinces me I’m nothing but a burden to them for wanting them to make time for me. It leaves me feeling greedy and selfish every single time.” — Nova M.
10. “I wish…”
“‘I wish.’ It’s usually, ‘I wish I could go to this place,’ or ‘I wish I could see this person.’ I feel like saying ‘I wish’ makes me sound less vulnerable for some reason. I rarely ever admit that I get lonely. So many people believe that I actually don’t get lonely and that I’m OK, but in reality, I’m almost always lonely. Even in a crowd. There’s a rare few that can actually make me feel whole and like I matter.” — Sloane S.
11. “Everyone says they’re there for you, but aren’t when you need them.”
“I publicly post things on my Snapchat that are shady. , ‘Everyone says they’re there for you but aren’t when you actually need them’ or saying that I feel lonely or betrayed, etc. in the hopes that someone will spark a conversation with me. It’s so bad because I just want to be spoken to but it pushes people away instead and it hurts even more.” — Nina F.
12. “I don’t mind getting home late.”
“When I’m out with my friend and s/he would ask if I need to come home early or something like that, and I’d say, ‘Actually, I don’t mind coming home late, just so I can hang out with him/her longer and feel less lonely.” — Rhodette G.
Originally published on The Mighty
Not Meant to be in a Relationship?
Generally speaking, it is healthy to be in a relationship although it is not necessary. Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist thought that men and woman complement each other.
With regard to your specific situation, it is not healthy to want to end a relationship each time the two of you have an argument. It is healthy to not need the other person in the relationship; it is much healthier to be in a relationship because you want to be in it but to consider ending it every time there is a fight is abnormal.
Part of the reason you want to flee the relationship each time there is a fight may be because of how you were raised. It seems as though your mother raised you to believe that males were not desired or needed. She may have instilled in you the idea that men have little value and thus when they cause even the simplest “problem” they are “easily dispensable.” You don’t “need” them so why bother with them. It is good that you are able to exist in the world without having to depend on others but you may have taken this idea to the extreme, in a way that may be harmful to you.
Another reason to explain why you desire to end the relationship so abruptly may be because the individual you are dating is not “right” for you. I suspect though it has more to do with the first reason I mentioned, that because of how you were raised, you have little tolerance for “males” and their “problems.”
Relationships are difficult by nature. They are a melding together of two people’s interests, goals, desires, ideas, opinions, thoughts, and so forth. Relationships also require selflessness. If you are committed to the individual you are with, then the relationship may be worth “fighting” for. By “fighting” I mean that in a healthy relationship, you will have to compromise and things probably will not always go your way. But if you admire, respect, desire or love the person you are with you would be willing to make these and other sacrifices.
You also asked about whether you will change your thoughts and ideas in the future. The answer is that it depends. If you think back to the time when you were 17, then there is a good chance that what you thought then or found important is quite different than what you think or find important at 27. At 17, you probably had different, less informed ideas about the world than at 27.
If you are open to changing, to exploring new ideas and are not close-minded, then there is a great likelihood that your goals may change in the future. With regard to having children, for instance, there are many women like you who grew up believing they would never want to have children. Then they get a little older, get married, find that they have a “biological clock” (real or imagined) and suddenly they are parents claiming how unconscionable it was that they ever declared or thought about not having children. This is a fairly common scenario. The bottom line is that you can and probably will change your mind about certain aspects of your life in the future.
I am also curious about how much of what your mother believes to be true about men and relationships has dominated your thinking? How much of what you believe about relationships is your mother’s thinking or an extension thereof? You need to be clear about what your ideas about relationships are as well as what is the correct and healthy way to behave in a relationship. It would be smart to further explore your questions and ideas either by self-analysis or with the help of a therapist. You do not want to be in a situation where you sabotage a good and healthy relationship with ideas or behaviors that are not yours and are incorrect and unhealthy. I hope this helps. Thanks for your interesting question.
Not Meant to be in a Relationship?
Am I not Meant to be in a Relationship?
Posted on March 26, 2018 by Sue De Santo, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
I hold the philosophy that if we really want a relationship, we can have one. The only thing stopping us is ourselves.
This is a question I hear fairly often, both in my therapy practice and from my relationship-coaching clients. When I ask people why they think that, this is some of what they say:
– I’m afraid I’ll keep falling for the same type of person that’s not good for me
– I don’t know where to start when it comes to dating in the Internet age
– It must not be “meant to be” because it hasn’t happened yet
– There are no good one’s left!
In my opinion, none of these explanations truly stand up to reason. There is not some Grand Poobah in the sky pulling the strings and deciding who gets to be – and who doesn’t get to be – in a long-term relationship. I hold the philosophy that if we really want a relationship, we can have one – no matter our gender, profession, age or looks.
The only thing stopping us is ourselves.
Some of you may react with, “Stopping myself? I feel like I twist myself inside out trying to figure out how to have a relationship.”
I believe you. What’s inhibiting you from achieving your goal is not a lack of effort. On a conscious level, you’re working your heart out. My hunch is that your inability to find that special someone is likely due to your unconscious belief system and behavior patterns that were established during your early life.
The experiences that lead to negative beliefs that ultimately inhibit our potential could have occurred when we were as young as 5, yet they remain alive and well in our unconscious mind. They are the hidden patterns of thought so ingrained in our unconscious, that we don’t even realize they are directing our life as an adult.
Believe me when I say, It’s not your fault. It’s like the saying goes, “We don’t know what we don’t know.” There is a way out, however. And that requires a true willingness to uncover what your core beliefs are, and the resolve to do whatever it takes to clear away the beliefs that stand in the way of your potential.
Therein lies the emotional, psychological – some may even say spiritual – work that is at the heart of relationship coaching, therapy, 12-step recovery, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and any number of modalities aimed at making the unconscious… conscious.
Here are some unconscious beliefs that could impede relationship success:
– I’m too fat (thin, ugly, smart) for someone to love me
– My parents always said I was too sensitive (or too overbearing) to be in relationship
– I believe a perfect relationship, like the ones described in fairy tales, is possible
– My folks had a lousy relationship, and I’m afraid I’ll replicate their marriage
– I’m afraid I don’t have the capacity to love someone enough to be in a relationship
– I’m afraid if I do get the relationship of my dreams, I’ll have nothing to strive for or complain about…and my whole life is about yearning for things I don’t feel I can get or deserve
Because these beliefs are largely unconscious, they block our forward progress no matter how much effort we’re putting forth to achieve our goal. In fact, sometimes the harder we try consciously, the more our unconscious beliefs seem to dig in their heels and keep us stuck.
Most people, myself included, need the support of a trained and objective professional to do this type of emotional work.
It’s the foundation of relationship coaching as I practice it. My goal is to help you do the following:
– Become aware of unconscious life patterns that keep you stuck
– Help you understand why you may have those patterns
– Support you in clearing those emotional patterns
– Aid your efforts to get clear about what you want from a relationship, including establishing which needs are non-negotiable
– Guide you toward meeting your relationship goals
– Deciding to change can feel scary and difficult, and there can be a lot of internal resistance. As humans, it sometimes seems easier to stick with what we know rather than go “poking around” in our pasts or our psyches.
But being in relationship with others is what makes us fully human. They give us an opportunity to grow alongside someone through all of life’s challenges. They give us practice in negotiating for what we want – and making compromises when it’s for the good of the whole.
So while you may decide NOT to be in a relationship for any number of legitimate reasons, no one, in my opinion, is constitutionally incapable of being in one. All you have to do is be willing to do the work.
The choice is yours.
Accepting Not Every Relationship is Meant for Love
Ending a relationship is never easy. Personally, it’s incredibly hard for me. You can ask any of my past significant others, I do not know how to handle breaking up very well. (I think I do, but I don’t.) To be honest, any aspect of ending a relationship I don’t handle well. Whether it’s the actual “break up” or dealing with the aftermath, I’m not graceful in the ways I have learned to cope. (I’m working on it, give ya girl a break, I feel deeply).
However, I’ve been working incredibly hard lately on facing my emotions and letting myself feel every single emotion completely. Through this journey I’ve noticed that my perspectives on love, past loves and those awkward almost-relationships have completely changed. I have always been quick to associate negative feelings with relationships that didn’t work out. So looking back on past relationships now, it’s almost as if I see a totally different relationship. Instead of focusing on all the negative experiences and outcomes, I see how much I’ve grown personally and how these relationships shaped me for the ones following. With each failed relationship I only come closer to being the woman I want to be for the relationship I strive for.
While reflecting, I’ve come to a happy realization: not all relationships are meant for love. Becoming aware of this has made moving on and letting go of past relationships that much easier for me. Because when you hold every single failed relationship as a failed attempt at love, it can be incredibly disheartening. It can make the idea of starting a new relationship scary. But adopting this new way of approaching my past relationships has done wonders for my outlook about the future love I hope to find.
I’ve not only accepted that not every relationship was meant for love, but also accepted the inadvertent lesson I was taught through each relationship.
Personal growth is more valuable than longevity
I was the girl who seemed to validate her relationships by the amount of time we had been together. So when it came to all those awkward almost-relationships, I struggled a lot. For awhile it seemed I couldn’t get passed the two month mark before each relationship seemed to fizzle out. And during that time in my life it was affecting my self worth beyond belief. It was heartbreaking for me, honestly. However, going through these experiences only helped me grow into the woman I am now. The woman who enjoys finding the balance in life: loving others and most importantly loving yourself.
Attachment is healthy, enmeshment is not
As I’ve gotten older, as well as become well educated in psychology, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a somewhat ambivalent/anxious attachment style. I’m not going to dive deep into a psychology lesson right now, but the keyword anxious should tell you a lot. This was highlighted in most of my early relationships. I was insecure, distrustful, unsure of everything. Because of this, I craved to always be involved in some way in my significant other’s life. Even in things I had no interest in, I still wanted to be involved.
In retrospect, I see that I wanted our two separate lives to be one. Which is the most unhealthy thing you could do in a relationship. These relationships were huge red flags! Not necessarily because the person or relationship was bad for me. Only that I was not ready in any way to be in a full committed relationship. I still had a lot of aspects of myself that I needed to attend to.
I needed to be okay with being alone in all aspects. I needed to know how to think for only myself. I needed to be responsible for just me. I needed to know how to breathe for no one but myself, to live my life for no one but myself.
Letting go is a part of life
Because of my need to be extremely involved in my significant other’s life, I found letting go to be extremely hard. It was debilitating. My disposition to depression was no help either. I would sink to extreme lows and wallow in my sadness, often throwing myself an extended pity party.
Through a lot of work on understanding myself, I have come to several important facets that have made letting go that much easier (bearable) for me. I appreciate the beauty of the time spent together. Though letting go is never easy, it is easier to appreciate the experience when you come from a place of love and peace.
This one will come with time; you won’t feel this way after an immediate break up. However, I cannot explain the joy you are able to feel when you see them with someone who could love them in ways you never could. Not only does it feel great to see someone genuinely happy in a relationship that you may have struggled with. But it is also great knowing every connection you make is unique and different from another. What may not have worked for you will be perfect for someone else.
We all have different ways of coping with the end of a relationship. If you find yourself sinking to an extremely low place in the aftermath I encourage you to focus inward. It will be hard; working on yourself is hardly ever easy. But it will be worth it.
Dive deep, ask questions, and most of all, allow yourself grace.