There are a few really easy things that you need to do if you want to make a guy horny. While some guys can get horny and turned on just by holding your hand, other guys need a lot more to get horny. Below you will find some of my most powerful strategies from the Bad Girls Bible for turning your man on without acting slutty or weird.

Quick Warning: While this tutorial video is quite distressing, it will teach you how to make your man scream with pleasure and become sexually addicted to you. If you are interested in having a man completely obsessed with you and only you, then check out the detailed (& explicit!) oral sex tutorial video here.

Contents

How to Get a Guy Horny

1. Set the Mood

The mood or atmosphere of where you are with your man plays a big role in making him horny and turning him on. If you are at a football game together during a sunny day, you could both be having a great time.

But this isn’t a place where most guys get turned on…

How about in the corner of a quiet bar, with a candle on your table? This is much more likely to help make your man horny. So the next time you are choosing somewhere for you and your man to hang out, ask yourself this:

Is this place likely to make him horny or not?

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Some great places that you should consider that will make him horny are:

  • Small, quiet bars
  • Your place
  • His place
  • A deserted beach at night

These are just a few suggestions, but you’ll notice that each of these 3 places are quite private and not too loud.

Finding a way to engage all his senses is important if you want to make him horny.

Smell – Candles or incense treat his nose. You can spray your signature scent around the room or apply lotion to get his attention. Pick scented massage products to fill the room with a sexy smell. Leather is a scent many people enjoy. If either of you is sensitive to smells, you might want to skip this. A headache is not sexy.

Sight – Dressing up sexy will tantalize his eyes, and we’ll get to that shortly. Don’t forget other things he can see. Declutter a room and lower the lights. Switch out bulbs if the ones you have are bright. Candles make a room feel romantic or sexy, too, and LED candles don’t pose a fire risk. Drape a scarf over a lamp to make a room feel sexy. If you’re a little kinky, a blindfold prevents him from seeing anything, which can really amplify the mood!

Taste – There are products that you can wear so your skin will taste different. Flavored lube can do this, too. But he might just enjoy the way you taste. Consider wine or another food that’s known to be an aphrodisiac.

Hearing – Consider putting on a sexy playlist to help get him horny and seduce him. Some people might find the sound of a thunderstorm especially sexy. You could even play porn in the background. Lower your voice just a bit to be sexier.

Touch – Silky sheets and scarves, fur, gloves, your own hair on his skin. All of these things can engage with his sense of touch. Don’t forget how the room feels, either. Too hot or too cold can be uncomfortable. It should be in a comfortable range to undress.

2. Think About How You Look

How you look is a crucial aspect of making a guy horny. I say it over and over again. Guys get turned on by what they see. Dressing in an old overcoat, having greasy hair with split ends and wearing baggy jeans won’t turn on many guys (although, there are always exceptions).

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So am I advising that you dress like a slut?

Hell no!

You don’t have to dress slutty to turn a guy on. You need to dress sexy. Dressing sexy means wearing clothes and makeup that show off your good parts.

  • Tight trousers or leggings can help show off your butt.
  • Low cut tops help show off your cleavage.
  • Certain bras can make your breasts look bigger.
  • You may look hotter when wearing glasses or you may look hotter without them.
  • If you have great legs, then try wearing a dress to show them off.
  • If you want to look taller, wear heels.
  • If you have some spots, use concealer.

I could go on and on, but I hope you get the picture. You have a lot of control over your looks. And your looks play a huge part in making your man horny.

The Bad Girls Bible has an entire article dedicated to dressing sexy too.

One element, in particular, is lingerie, sensual pieces of clothing and accessories designed to show off your asset when you wear them before – and sometimes after – sex. The key to picking out the right piece of lingerie is to choose a piece that highlights your best areas and perhaps minimizes the ones you’re concerned about.

Check out our guide to picking the right lingerie for your body.

You can often pair lingerie with stockings and heels, which many guys love.

Remember, however, that you want to feel comfortable in your lingerie. He’ll be able to tell if you’re not comfortable, and it’s definitely a turn off for both of you. So don’t force yourself to wear lingerie if you’re not feeling it.

Another thing to consider is layers. That way, you can take them off one by one as you strip for him (learn how) or even give him a lap dance.

Check out this list of lap dance songs.

3. Touch Him

Being in a place with a seductive atmosphere is a good start if you want to make your man horny. Being in a seductive place and dressing sexy will help a lot more. But if you are not touching the guy you want to turn on, then neither of these things will help much to make him horny!

Touching your man is VITAL if you want to make him horny.

When I say touching, I do not mean groping or anything inappropriate. I mean that you should just be making physical contact with him whenever you are talking to him or hanging out with him. This physical contact will help to turn your man on and also let him know how you feel about him. It should start off with nothing too serious or creepy and slowly build up until you are getting closer to him.

Below are some examples of how to touch him with increasing intimacy:

  • Touch his arm or shoulder briefly when talking or making a point.
  • Touch his hand briefly when you are talking or laughing together.
  • Touch his leg briefly with your hand when you are both talking.
  • If you are sitting down together, gently push your leg up against his for a short while.
  • Rest your hand on either his hand or leg for a few seconds while talking to him.

All of these techniques are great for helping to make your man horny without creeping him out. When combined with setting the right mood and looking sexy, you are practically guaranteed to have him salivating over you.

When you’re more confident that he wants to have sex with you, such as when you’re in a relationship, you can up the ante. Kiss him deeply and passionately (tips here). Press your body against his or perhaps grind your butt against his crotch. Massage his penis through his pants or unzip his fly and start giving him head.

Related: The Ultimate Guide On How To Give A Great Blowjob

Focus on his erogenous zones. Don’t forget his nipples, either. Most men find this aids or causes arousal .

These more direct types of touch can be a good way to get him horny and let him know you want to have sex if he’s not good at picking up cues. This leads me to my next point.

4. Be Direct

It’s understandable if you want to drop hints to initiate sex.

This might help to get him horny 🙂

Or he may miss your cues altogether 🙁

Don’t worry…a lot of guys are slow to get the hint! The solution…

Try being direct instead.

If you walk out of the bedroom naked, your partner is unlikely to miss the hint that you want sex. And seeing you in the nude will likely get him horny!

One small study found that simply undressing yourself or your partner leads to sex 100 percent of the time . If you strip down, you’ll be getting down. It’s that simple.

Directly asking for sex has a positive success rate, too: 76%, But undressing might feel sexier and less awkward.

Women initiate sex less often than men , but your man might appreciate it if you initiate sex. Plus, doing so can make you feel powerful. It might be awkward the first time or two, but the more you do it, the more accustomed you’ll become to initiating sex.

Read: 9 Ways to Initiate Sex, Drive Him Wild, and Take Control of Your Sex Life

5. Remember What Gets You Horny

You might recall a previous post for women about how to get horny. I took a survey of readers and got their insight into what they do when they want to get horny. Many of these things apply to men as well as women, and you can use them when learning how to get your boyfriend horny.

Our readers listed some popular ways to get horny:

Taking a shower or bubble bath together – You can invite your man into the shower for shower sex. More on that here. The steam and slippery suds will get him in the mood.

Read erotica or watch porn together – You can even read erotica to him if he’s into it. If porn is too direct, put on a movie with a sexy scene that you love and see how he responds.

Send him a sexy text – Many women get turned on when they look at their phones and see a message telling them how hot they are or how much their partners desire them. Why not do the same? You can up the ante by sending a voice or video recording or a photo of you. Remember, it doesn’t have to be X-rated. Just give him a glimpse of what’s in store for him. Check out these tips for sexy texts, sexting examples, or learn how to send a sexy selfie.

Masturbate for him – Many women feel horny when they masturbate, but if you masturbate in front of your partner, it can make him horny.

Shop for some sexy lingerie or toys – Doing so can rev up both of your engines, and you might find yourselves having sex after you checkout online or come home from the store. And if you’re shopping online, you’ll be excited for your package to show up on your doorstep!

Talk about fantasies – Not only is this a way to turn him on, but you can discover new things to try in bed. Here are the 10 most common fantasies.

Have a drink – But just one. This can loosen you up and help him get horny. Too much will make it hard for him to perform, however .

Massage – Although you read about the importance of touch above, don’t forget to give him a massage (learn how to give a sensual massage). Not only does this connect the two of you physically, but receiving a massage can reduce stress or promote relaxation . And stress is a serious killer of desire for many people (especially women( .

You’ll notice that several of these tips include talking dirty. It will be hard to understand how to make a guy horny if you’re afraid of talking dirty. Don’t worry, however! You can get tips for talking dirty.

Sexual “Conditioning” – Now, there’s something interesting you may have noticed. If you tend to do something before sex, then doing this at other times is actually one way to make him horny… even if you’re not trying to!

What do we mean?

Things such as spraying a certain scent only before sex, letting your hair down, or playing a specific song or movie when you want to get him in the mood can become associated with sexy times. It can condition him to think about sex. So when he experiences these things in the future, he might automatically become horny.

You might remember this idea of “conditioning” if you took a psychology class. What you might not realize is that it can apply to sex, too !

This is a powerful key to understanding how to make your man horny and men might be especially susceptible to this conditioning . Feel free to experiment, but recognize that you might cause him to get an erection any time a song comes on the radio or when he smells your signature sex smell… which could be a big issue if his sister wears the same perfume!

6. Avoid Stereotypical/Cliche “Sexy” Tropes…Most of the Time

One mistake women tend to make when discovering how to make a guy horny is by doing what they see in movies whether it be showing up in a trenchcoat with nothing underneath, wearing sky-high stilettos, talking in a husky voice or what-have-you. These things certainly look good in the movies, and they can work. It all depends on whether you can make them work.

If you meet him wearing sky-high heels or wearing all black leather, the sight might be exotic and make him horny.. or it might make you feel so awkward and unable to move that it’s more cheesy or comical than sexy. It’s easy to go over-the-top when trying to be sexy. Sometimes less really is more.

Being comfortable is key, so it’s okay to add little sexy things or to find your own brand of sexy rather than imitating someone else.

7. Be Careful with Laughter

Laughter can be a great way to bond, but if you want to make him horny, it can get in the way of your goal. Laughter can be really distracting as can too much talking. If you’ve been with your man a while, you probably know how he feels about this. But you might want to play it safe with new partners until you figure out their style.

This means not being too goofy or silly and not talking too much or too loudly. It’s okay to lower your voice to a sexy whisper (but one that he can hear) and to take things slowly.

Signs You’re Making Him Horny

Because a man’s body and mind are more often on the same page than a woman’s, you can look for physical signs that he’s getting horny .

Erection — an erect penis and nipples are good signs that he’s horny…yes men’s nipples can get erect too!

Flush – red and warm skin, especially on the face and chest, indicate arousal.

Breathing – if he’s breathing faster and deeper, you’re on the right track.

Heart rate – his heart will begin to race when he’s horny.

If he’s a typical guy, it might not take much time or effort at all before the signs of desire appear. However, some men take longer to get horny and feel desire, which you’ll learn about in a bit.

And if he reciprocates by removing his or your clothes, grinding against you, or moving on to other sexual activities, you’ve succeded at getting him horny!

When He’s Just Not Into It

We wrote this post to help you learn how to make him horny with the promise that it will work. And most of the time it will…

But sometimes it won’t…

Be Direct – Maybe he’s just not getting the hint, which is why we suggest being direct. It might feel more daunting or seem less spontaneous, but it ensures your partner knows exactly what you want. I’m mentioning this a second time (being direct) as sometimes guys are a little dumb and fail to pick up on what you’re doing, no matter how obvious it seems.

But what about when he’s not in the mood?

When he says “No” directly?

First, it can feel like a rejection, and that might sting. That doesn’t mean you give up completely.

But, you should remember that he’s rejecting sex this one time, not sex all the time or you as a person and partner. It’s not a personal attack or a statement about you.

In fact, there could be something preventing him from having sex that you might not consider such as a tummy ache that he doesn’t want to tell you about. All too often, we take rejections personally when they may say nothing about us.

You can always try next time.

The exception to the above advice is when him declining sex become a trend, especially if you’re struggling in your relationship or if he’s compulsively using porn and masturbating. In that case, you should focus less on trying to make him horny and more on fixing your relationship. There is a definite correlation between relationship satisfaction and desire.

Once you get a handle on emotional and physical factors, sexual desire tends to fall in line. When your man is healthy, you’ll have to spend much less time focusing on making him horny and more time enjoying what comes after that and the power that comes with knowing you can make him horny whenever you want!

Talk to a Doctor

However, if there are no underlying relationship issues, it could be a health concern. Hormones, especially testosterone, play a significant role in a man’s sexual function, including desire . If your man is not experiencing desire like he used to or if he’s having issues with erection, a hormone imbalance might be at fault.

We recommend that men discuss this issue with their doctors when other possible causes have been ruled out (and the same advice applies to women).

Related: How to Increase Libido for Women

Talking to his doctor can also rule out other possible causes of low libido such as depression , anxiety , medications for those and other conditions , injury or another disease (diabetes, can interfere with desire , and cancer can play a role, too ). Although it’s normal for testosterone to decrease with age, a serious deficiency known as andropause occurs later in life and can interfere with sexual function and desire .

Some people are afraid to talk to their doctor about sexual issues because it’s embarrassing or because it’s not important. But sexual health contributes to your quality of life, which makes it significant!

What the Science Says

We actually know a bit about arousal thanks to various studies and surveys that researchers have undertaken. Some of this information might sound familiar if you’ve read other posts on Bad Girls Bible, especially those about sex drive and getting turned on. Much of this information is the same for men and women; although, understanding the differences can help you to understand how to make a guy horny or what might be standing in the way when you’re trying to make him horny.

Sexual Response Cycle

You’ve probably familiar with the sexual response cycle. It contains four stages/phases, each with its own physiological changes :

  1. Excitement/arousal
  2. Plateau
  3. Orgasm
  4. Resolution

This cycle describes how a guy gets horny pretty easily. When he’s excited, stimulation leads to orgasm. After his orgasm resolves, he needs a break before he can become erect and orgasm again. This break is known as the refractory period and can last from several minutes to 24 hours, getting longer as a guy ages . This explains why you can’t get him horny quickly after he cums.

Unlike men, women have a much smaller or even no refractory period. This is one reason why many women are able to have multiple orgasms.

The sexual response cycle is a bit different for women , and other models have been suggested with circular shapes . However, the 4-phase model works for men not because they don’t have desire but because they typically experience it differently.

Spontaneous Vs. Responsive Desire

Researchers describe two types of desire: responsive and spontaneous.

Spontaneous Desire – Spontaneous desire is exactly how it sounds. You can randomly just feel desire – even if you’re not thinking or doing anything related to sex. This probably sounds a little weird to you as a woman because most women have responsive desire (I’ll get to this in a few paragraphs). Most guys have spontaneous desire. They can get turned on at the drop of a hat. This makes it easy to get your boyfriend horny.

If your man has spontaneous desire, he gets horny, then you fool around or he masturbates. Everything happens in a straight line the way you’ve been taught. But if his desire is responsive, that’s not how it happens.

Responsive Desire – Most women and some men experience responsive desire . What this means is that desire usually shows up a little later after sexual stimuli are present . It means you/your man gets horny AFTER you start making out, after you start foreplay, or even after you start having sex. In this way, desire can follow arousal .

This is why your man might have to do different things to make you horny.

It could also respond to a sexy scene in a book or movie, a certain smell, or a song. If you have responsive desire, this probably makes sense, and you can name the things that your sex drive responds to.

Having responsive desire doesn’t mean a person has low or no desire. It simply means you have to give his sex drive something to respond to. This could explain why you find it takes longer to make your husband horny but your ex took almost no time or effort to get horny. One of them had responsive desire while the other had spontaneous.

Making him horny is just a case of figuring out what his desire responds to… and doing those things.

The Dual Control Model

Now that you understand spontaneous and responsive desire, you’re ready to learn about the dual-control model to really understand how to make a guy horny. This theory introduced by two scientists, Bancroft and Janssen, suggests that sex drive isn’t just one drive but is a balance of two systems .

It’s not a simple case of “Off” or “On.” There’s not a single switch to flip to make him horny.

Instead, sex drive consists of two parts. The first part is what increases his sex drive and makes him horny. The scientists call this sexual excitement system, but it might be helpful to think of this as accelerators to his sex drive. Step on the accelerator, and you go, go go!

The other part is the sexual inhibition system or SES. This functions like brakes. Brakes decrease sex drive and can include relationship issues, poor body image, and stress, among other things.

And what happens when you try to drive when you’ve got one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake?

That’s right: absolutely nothing!

You don’t go anywhere.

You’ll notice that this article includes things that help to reduce the brakes so you can get him horny. Without easing up on the brakes, it makes no sense to work on the accelerator.

The good news is that most men have more sensitive accelerators and less sensitive brakes than women , so turning him on should be pretty easy. In fact, he might even be more likely to make risky sexual decisions because of this !

Arousal Concordance

Finally, we have arousal concordance. Concordance means agreement, and sexual/arousal concordance refers to the agreement between mental and physical concordance. Basically, whether you feel aroused in your head and whether your body shows signs of arousal .

Researchers have asked participants whether they were aroused. Then, they’d use tools such as a vaginal photoplethysmograph, which uses light to track blood flow in a woman’s vagina, or a penile plethysmograph, which measures how hard a penis is , to determine if the body is physically aroused. This is sometimes called “objective arousal” .

Studies have shown that discordance is common in women and more frequent than in men , which could just mean that women tend to notice their physical arousal less. This actually works for you if you want to make him horny, however. Because if he’s like most men and tends to have more concordance, then his body and mind are on the same page. If he’s hard, he’ll probably feel horny. And if he thinks he wants sex, his penis will respond.

So you may be able to focus on stimulating his body to get him horny rather than his mind.

Note there are exceptions, and an erection doesn’t always mean he’s horny .

Resources

Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. discusses the differences in sexual desire between men and women at Psychology Today. This can help you understand why it takes such different things to get you and your man horny.

This article by Etienne Benson about the science of sexual arousal talks more about the science we introduced above.

Stephen Snyder M.D. discusses how being desired can be a big turn on for some men. So if you want to make him horny, you should show him that you want him and initiate sex rather than expecting him to always initiate or for him to make you feel desired without reciprocation.

Watch This: Blow Job Tutorial Video

I put together this in-depth, step-by-step instructional video that will teach you how to make your man sexually addicted to you and only you. It contains a number of oral sex techniques that will give your man full-body, shaking orgasms. If you’re interested in learning these techniques to keep your man addicted and deeply devoted to you as well as having a lot more fun in the bedroom, then you may want to check out the video. You can watch it by clicking here.

“Not tonight, honey. I have a headache.”

This old refrain makes us think of tired wives across the country turning down their desperate husbands for the hundredth time.

However, the reality is that women aren’t the only ones who suffer from low libido and lack of sexual interest. Men also suffer from low desire. And when they do, it can be incredibly complicated and challenging for couples to face. Many women feel ashamed and angry that their spouses are turning down their sexual advances. After all, men are supposed to want sex all the time.

It’s easy to see how harmful gender messaging about sexuality can be, both for men and for women. Men feel overwhelmed that they aren’t in the mood like they are “supposed” to be, and women feel suspicious and insecure that their partners don’t want them anymore. They wonder: Is he cheating? Is it because I gained weight? Is he not attracted to me?

The reality is often much less insidious. Like women, men encounter low libido for a number of reasons, both physical and emotional. Perhaps he is suffering from a hormonal imbalance (men go through a “change of life” just like women do, when their testosterone levels dip), perhaps he is dealing with a chronic condition like diabetes, or perhaps he is simply too tired and stressed from dealing with work and his hectic schedule. All of this can do a number on a man’s desire, especially if his relationship is tense and unhappy on top of it.

Here are some things women can do to help boost their partner’s desire:

• Consider his medicine cabinet. Did he recently start a new medication such as anti-depressants that might be doing a number on his libido? Other drugs such as Propecia (a popular hair-loss prevention drug) can also lead to decreased desire. Beta-blockers and anti-anxiety meds can have similar unwanted effects. He might consider talking to his doctor to find out if they are options that will interfere less with his sexual function.

• Get exercising. Nothing is better for your physical health (or sexual health) than plenty of exercise. Take a long walk after dinner each night or join a intramural sports team together. Get active everyday and make healthy choices as a couple.

• Encourage him to see a medical doctor. If he isn’t interested in sex, it could be due to erectile dysfunction which can often be easily treated with medical intervention. Most men will avoid sex all together if they perceive any risk of poor sexual function and once performance improves, libido often follows. A doctor can also check his testosterone levels, which play a significant role in sexual function and interest and often drop as men age.

• Address stress. If stress from his job or other aspects of his life are bringing him down, he might really need some support. Encourage him to reach out for assistance, whether that’s from you, a friend or even from a therapist. In fact, according to the research, the best prognosis for a man’s sexual dysfunction is when his partner is involved in the seeking of treatment.

• Talk about it. Don’t sweep the issue under the rug. If you want more sexual connection, you need to discuss it. Just make sure you do it in a way that is non-confrontational. Don’t accuse him or insult him (“I can think of a million men who would love to have sex with me!”) Instead, say, “I’ve noticed we aren’t having sex as much as we used to. I miss being with you and I love our sexual connection. What can I do to help bring back some of the passion and intimacy back to your lives?”

• Initiate sex. Don’t sit back and wait for him to make the first move. If you want more sex and romance, be the change you want to see in your relationship. Kiss him passionately when you leave for work in the morning, surprise him in the shower when he least expects it and be generous with compliments and positive feedback. If you make him feel sexy and desirable, he will automatically feel more in the mood as a result.

• Help him to make healthy choices. A big hearty dinner with a few glasses of wine might sound like a good way to end the day, but it could also leave you both too tired and full for sex. Eat light, nutritious meals, and limit your alcohol intake. Instead of zoning out in front of the couch, engage in some fun, heart-pounding (and libido-enhancing) date activities such as trying bungee-jumping or going to an amusement park. Push yourself outside of your comfort zone. The more you can get out of your rut outside the bedroom, the more you will get out of your rut inside the bedroom as well.

Lastly, just remember that it is not uncommon for people to experience times of low desire…whether they are a man or a woman. Just try to stay connected during this time and continue communicating, and you will survive with your relationship and your sexual pleasure intact.

Why Would a Man Commit When Women Will Have Sex With Him Anyway?

The few times I’ve tried to engage in this conversation, I’ve generally been lead down the following trails.

People who make this argument often follow it up with the claim that men can’t control their impulses.

It’s a nice cop out — a quick and simple way to absolve men from the responsibility of their own actions — but I assure you, men can, and do, control their impulses. Constantly.

Can you even imagine a world in which men could not control their impulses? Let’s picture it together.

First of all — during the presidential debates, Trump would have pantsed Hillary Clinton as he was following her around the stage. We all know he wanted to. He didn’t do it though. Why? Because he maintained self-control.

Let’s stay with our ever-so-illustrious leader for a moment. If he couldn’t control his impulses, North Korea would no longer exist. He’d likely have blown it up ages ago with a quick click of a button. We’d absolutely be at war.

And, I’m not sure I can even count high enough to put a number to the amount of “pussies” he would “grabbed.”

Let’s move past Trump now — I’m sick of talking about him. Let’s talk about the ordinary person — I’ll even include women.

When I walk down the street, I see very few people robbing stores for cash, or forcing others into sex acts. But, I can imagine that there are people who walk down the street and think, “I wish I could just take the money from that register,” or “She’s hot; I wish I could fuck her.”

They don’t do these things though — impulse control.

Those are extreme examples. I very rarely even see people pushing one another, or exchanging angry words. I know I’m personally often annoyed by people who step on my feet or get in my space, and I’d love to just bump them with my hip. I don’t do much about it though, because I have impulse control.

It would be absolute chaos in this world if men couldn’t control their impulses. Society wouldn’t function. Men can control their impulses. People who commit acts of rape or violence are choosing to commit acts of rape or violence. No one gets a pass.

People who wonder why men would commit sometimes follow it up with something like, “Well sex is a biological need. If he can get it without commitment, why not?”

Sex is certainly a biological want/need/whatever. I can understand wanting it.

However — we’re not cavemen any longer. We have the ability to think and use logic. We have the ability to connect emotionally with others.

He can think about the person he’s preparing to have sex with. He can consider their feelings. He can consider their wants. He can have a conversation and say, “I want to have sex with you, but I don’t want you as a girlfriend. How do you feel about that?”

He’s not a dog, mounting another dog in the dog park simply to reproduce. He can think this through and take others into consideration.

LADIES, listen up! If you want to drive your man wild in the bedroom we’ve got the tips for you.

You’ve heard of little things called erogenous zones before, but do you know where they are on a man’s body?

9 There are nine erogenous zones you should focus on when having sex with your manCredit: Getty – Contributor

There are apparently nine areas that turn a man on in the bedroom.

Some of them are obvious – if you’re not touching those areas you’re definitely doing it wrong – but some of them may surprise you.

Sexperts spoke to Women’s Health about which areas to focus on to really get a man going.

Here are the nine places you should be focusing your attention.

1. Mouth

9 Kissing can boost levels of reward receptors in the brainCredit: Getty – Contributor

The mouth is a very important erogenous zone.

Kissing boosts levels of dopamine in the brain, a neurotransmitter that boosts desire and the reward system in the brain.

Try tracing his lips slowly with your tongue, or softly bite his lower lip, sexologist Carol Queen suggests.

And of course, don’t forget full on making out can be just as fun.

2. Ears

9 Ears are erogenous zones for men and womenCredit: Getty – Contributor

If you’ve ever had someone play with your ears and liked it, then it makes sense your man would like it too.

In fact, in a survey ears came in just behind the scrotum for places that can help men climax.

Try gently nibbling or licking his ear.

Or try whispering something sexy to spice things up.

3. Balls

9 The scrotum is a sensitive area and can make him feel very good when you touch itCredit: Getty – Contributor

The skin of the scrotum is quite sensitive and can really turn a man on when touched.

You should definitely keep the biting and nibbling at bay here though.

Instead try sucking, licking, cupping or gently squeezing them, sex coach Charlie Glickman suggests.

“Start with your hand around both balls, then bring your fingertips together over them – like you’re picking up a napkin off the floor,” another expert said.

4. Neck

9 Kissing his neck is also a surefire way to get him goingCredit: Getty – Contributor

Who doesn’t like their neck being kissed?

Think about the tingles it sends through your body – it does the same for him.

And the nape of his neck in the best place to focus, according to a study published in the journal Ergonomics.

You should kiss him there with your mouth slightly open while humming.

“The combination of heat and vibrations will help prompt some serious sensations for him,” sex expert Emily Morse explained.

Or try using a vibrator to massage his hairline.

5. Nipples

9 Many men like their nipples being touchedCredit: Getty – Contributor

By now you’ve probably worked out that what works for you can also work for him.

In a recent survey for the journal Cortex, men admitted that nipples were one of their top spots for stimulation.

Carol suggests gently sucking or licking a nipple while touching your man down there for extra pleasure.

6. The shaft

9 The erectile tissue in the shaft of his penis contains a lot of feel-good nervesCredit: Getty – Contributor

You’re probably already focusing on the penis to get him in the mood.

But how you touch it can make all the difference.

According to a survey published in the BMJ men rate having the top of their shaft touched.

And when it comes to how much pressure to give your grip – sexperts suggest it needs to be fairly firm.

That’s because the erectile tissue sits fairly deep beneath the skin, so a good amount of pressure is needed.

7. The tip

9 The tip of a man’s penis also contains a lot of nervesCredit: Getty – Contributor

The tip of the penis, called the glans, has a lot of nerves – more than the shaft, in fact.

It’s the closest thing to a clitoris a man has.

So whether you are using your hands or engaging in oral sex, be sure to focus some attention here.

8. His bum

9 Some men like the prostate gland inside their bum touchedCredit: Getty – Contributor

Men have a G-spot too – it’s the prostate gland located about a finger’s length inside the bum.

Not every man will want you to stimulate it though, so check with your partner before you stick anything anywhere.

But if they are up for it, it can be quite an experience for them.

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9. The perineum

You know, that bit of skin between the balls and his bum?

This area contains his ejaculatory muscles, so when you massage them it can make his climax even more intense.

You can try touching it while you give him oral sex.

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Sex Therapists Share 8 Sex Tips for Women

Photo: Marina Fedosova //

Chances are, you’d never grill your best friend’s boyfriend for details about their sex life in order to give your BFF some sex advice-but you’re not wrong to think that the most valuable sex tips for women come straight from men themselves.

Good news: Sex therapists are more loose-lipped, at least when it comes to sharing guys’ secrets and sex advice that will strengthen your relationship and help you learn how to have better sex. Sometimes, it’s all about exploring new techniques, toys, or even mindfulness techniques during sex, to expand your comfort zone while still staying in it. Learn what men are dishing out behind that closed door and how you can use those sex tips for women to have better sex than ever. (Related: How to Have An Orgasm Every Time, According to Science)

Be Open to Trying New Things with Me

One of the main pieces of sex advice that guys tell sex therapists: They’d like you to act more uninhibited and confident when it comes to sex, and be more open to experimenting with new things, to see if they’re pleasurable for one or both of you.

“Variety is part of what keeps the spice alive in a relationship and men definitely need that,” says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of Dr.LauraBerman.com. Keep in mind that your boyfriend or husband doesn’t want you to do things you don’t enjoy-but at the same time, give at least a fleeting thought to his desires (and air yours too!), and see what you’re both curious about, whether that’s new positions, locations, or costumes.

“Sex is about give and take,” Berman says. “At the end of the day, the best sex happens when you are connected and truly open about your needs and desires.” (Consider warming up with these partner stretches for better sex.)

Image zoom Photo: A. Dragan //

Let’s Test Out Some Toys

While some guys seem to still fantasize about a threesome (which might totally turn you off) there’s another way to bring a third party into your sexcapades. Sex toys can be a fun and experimental way to connect and keep things fresh in the bedroom. One way to introduce them is to have your partner use your favorite solo sex toy on you, says Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters-And How to Get It. She also suggests purchasing a couple’s vibrator, or a sexy card or dice game to keep the variety alive. If you’re really feeling frisky, Mintz recommends a kinkier toy that involves bondage or restraint of some kind to take things to another level (if and only if both you and your partner are actually into it).

Image zoom Photo: MRProduction //

Try Watching Porn with Me

Because porn is often associated with secrecy, an escape from the relationship to fulfill a fantasy, it gets a bad rap. But sex therapists explain that porn doesn’t have to be something you hide from your partner. “Some people are really uncomfortable with porn-if that describes you, don’t feel any pressure to incorporate it into your sex life. That said, if you’re open or even a little bit interested, porn can be a fun and sexually arousing part of sexual relationships,” says Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D., a sex researcher and relationship therapist.

To find porn that actually gets you in the mood instead of making you want to punch the screen, search for “feminist porn,” Mintz suggests. Even though it’s for entertainment purposes and meant to be exaggerated, it can still be some brainstorming material for trying new positions, styles, or whatever it may be. If it’s watched in this way-as a creative inspiration for sex-with the acknowledgment that it isn’t what real sex is, Mintz says, it can be great for conversation and arousal, both of which can help you have better sex. “It can put them in the mood to have sex, even if that sex is much more vanilla than anything being acted out on screen,” Hunter Murray says.

Keep Your Head in the Game During Sex

It turns out meditation isn’t reserved for just your yoga mat-it has a place in the bedroom too. Guys want you to stay focused so everyone can have the most pleasurable experience: just like you’d bring your mind back if it strays during a meditation class, the same applies here. “It’s not just about having your head and body in the same place, though-it’s about being able to bring your head or thoughts back to your bodily sensations when your mind invariably wanders (as all minds do, even during sex),” Mintz says.

Dr. Hunter Murray has a great sex tip for women to help you bring your mind back to your partner and squelch self-consciousness thoughts: “If your mind isn’t in the moment, simply invite your attention back by focusing on your breath and the touch of your partner.” Mintz also advises practicing mindfulness in your everyday movements and activities, which can help keep you locked in mentally during sex too. (You can also practice by trying mindful masturbation on your own.)

Image zoom Photo: WaveBreakMedia //

All’s Not Lost If I Lose An Erection

Men feel emasculated, ashamed, and powerless when they go soft. “It’s shocking how personally they take it when they report it to me,” Dow says. “Men who are with women who don’t make it a big deal do a lot better than the ones who make the proverbial mountain out of a molehill.” The more a guy thinks about losing his erection, the more anxious he gets trying to make it come back-and the less likely that is to happen.

So take this as a cue to shift gears and touch each other in places other than your genitals (try these male erogenous zones you probably haven’t heard of), or ask him to go down on you, suggests Mike Dow. Ph.D., co-host of Logo TV’s That Sex Show. (Thanks for the Rx, doc! This is one sex tip for women we can definitely get behind.) “Sit back and enjoy it. The more he senses you’re liking it and that he’s really pleasing you, the more likely his erection is to come back since he won’t be thinking about himself.” (Um, that sounds like a great excuse to try having multiple orgasms.) You can also have him watch you masturbate or you can bring out sex toys if you’ve used them together before.

Tell Me What I’m Doing Right

You may have heard that guys want their women to be more vocal and louder in bed, but it’s not because he wants you to reenact his favorite porn scene. Men complain that their partners aren’t speaking up and that they’re unsure if they’re pleasuring you, Berman says.

This is one piece of sex advice you’ll hear over and over again, regardless of your gender or your partner’s gender: Say something! “Many men find it erotically charging when the woman is very affirming during sex,” McCarthy says. “He enjoys hearing things like, ‘That really feels good’ or ‘I’m really turned on’ or moans.” It doesn’t hurt that doing so will mean more enjoyable sex for you since men assume silence means you’re happy.

And when you’re not happy, don’t stay mum. A lot of guys tell Dow that they want to know what they’re doing wrong-but then they’re pretty upset when they find out they’re not the best lover in some ways. Criticism will make a man defensive, Dow says, so phrase your sex tips positively. He recommends trying something such as, “I love it when you X and Y to me. It’d make me so hot if you’d Z.” (Fill in the variables, of course.)

Image zoom Photo: Jacob Lund //

We Want to Boost our Connection with You

It’s a common myth that all guys want is sex, all the time (and this is true in some cases, TBH). “The notion that men want sex more often than women is definitely a stereotype, but it’s a widely held belief and many heterosexual couples do experience that dynamic in their relationship,” Hunter Murray says. This can be exhausting when you’re not on the same page. “When a woman’s partner wants more sex than her, it can be frustrating because it can feel like all he wants is sexual gratification versus emotional closeness,” she explains. (Related: How Often Most Couples Really Have Sex)

However, everyone releases the same hormones when they finish, which pretty much dispels the myth. “Both women and men have oxytocin (often referred to as the ‘bonding’ or ‘love hormone’) released during orgasm,” Mintz says, so basically men and women have the same desire to cuddle and connect, especially immediately after sex (check out more reasons to make time for cuddling).

Men don’t always appreciate this stereotype of being “animalistic” or “caveman-like” in their desires, and many of them want exactly what women do in a sexual relationship, researchers say. “The men I spoke with talked about how they felt there is a misconception about how all men want is sex. When, in fact, having sex is a way for men to reach out, hold and be held, and connect with you in a way that they were socially groomed to embrace,” Hunter Murray says.

Appreciate Me-and Show It

Heads up: The road to better sex isn’t always about what happens in between the sheets. “For most men, making their partners happy is the number-one way that they feel masculine and empowered, so when they know they are making you feel loved and cared for, they feel like the man,” Berman says. And guys say a little reminder here and there that you value them helps-especially since we’re all guilty of putting in a 10-hour-plus workday and getting angry when we come home to a partner lying on the couch instead of cleaning up. (Related: 6 Things Monogamous People Can Learn from Open Relationships)

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let him know when something isn’t working or if you need him to step up more. But verbalizing more tokens of appreciation will make him feel like he’s doing a good job for you and in turn encourage him to step up to the plate even more. Berman suggests giving five genuine appreciations a day-even for the things he’s supposed to be doing, such as taking out the trash or picking up the dry cleaning. “I cannot tell you how many relationships have been turned around by this,” Berman adds.

  • By By Diana Kelly

What Men Consider Great Sex – 7 Sex Tips For Women

What do men consider “great sex?”

Well, what do you want from your sex life?

When I ask women this question, I inevitably hear one word above the rest…

CONNECTION

Women crave connection above all else, right?

What do you think guys answer when I ask them the same question?

Well, sure, guys want their ego – ahem – stroked. They want to know they’re competent in the sack.

Closeness…

But – funny enough, the one thing that they say is more important though is…

CONNECTION!

You might wonder about that considering how disconnected many guys seem to be when in the middle of the “nasty.” But there’s a reason for that, too, which I’m going to reveal in a bit…

Carlos Cavallo, Dating and Attraction Adviser

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That being said, let’s jump into the first Tip for what men consider great sex:

Tip 1: Make him feel like a sex GOD…

Okay, maybe that feels a bit over the top.

But he does want to feel like he’s THE MAN when it comes to delivering the goods in bed. He wants to know that he’s competent at making you feel pleasure at his touch.

Yes, we want to give you unimaginable bliss – a climax that makes your toes curl – and gets him on the front of Time magazine for “Most unbelievable orgasm of the century.” (or at least a trophy for it.)

Even if that’s unrealistic, it’s still a core desire for most men.

How does he make you feel?

One universal DON’T here: Don’t ever talk about past lovers – even the ones that were lousy. We men run around in complete oblivious ignorance of the “other guys” for as long as we can in a relationship. If you want to trigger a man to pull away, nothing does it better than mentioning either past lovers, or describing their performance.

Just keep the focus on you and him – and how well he’s pleasing you.

Which leads me to:

Tip 2: Let Him KNOW When You’re Turned On…

Guys need feedback to tell him how he’s doing.

In those first few encounters, you’re both feeling a bit awkward. You’re trying to get familiar with a stranger’s body, and their desires. It’s tricky terrain to navigate.

So keep him in the loop as to how he’s doing – especially when it’s positive. Show him through your sounds and body motion that he’s giving you pleasure.

Give him some signs…

  • Gyrate your hips…
  • Grab him and pull him toward you…
  • Let out a few cuss words that tell him you’re diggin it…
  • Let slip a few “oh god”s…

Talk dirty…

Clue him in on what’s working for you instead of being silent. Silence is a giant room full of uncertainty in our heads, so you have to know how to get past your stage fright.

If you feel you aren’t good at talking dirty with men, I have a whole section on that for you in my Passion Phrases program, by the way…

But what if there’s some negative stuff you need to communicate?

What if he’s just not Mr. Fabulous in the bedroom?

That leads us to the next tip…

Tip 3: Know How To Correct Him…

If he does start doing something that isn’t working for you, you also have to know how to redirect and correct him. One wrong word from you and his deep inner shame could be triggered, which might leave him a bit less than “performance ready.”

Yeah, his flag may drop to half-mast if he feels like he’s been called out on his performance.

So you gotta watch how you express this to him.

Words should be minimal, and that makes it easiest on both of you. No misunderstandings.

Consider the event a “spin out” – like in stock car racing.

What you want to do is get the car back on the track and headed toward that finish line as gently as possible.

For example: Let’s say he’s rubbing a big too hard.

Treat it like a race car that’s spun off the road, and you’re going to steer things…

Has this ever happened to you?

DON’T DO THIS: Whisper to him: “Ouch! Please don’t do that…”

Instead –

DO THIS: “Mmmm… let’s try this instead…” (Moving his hand elsewhere.)

Simple, right?

You simply guide him. Don’t worry about the correction, if it’s done gently. He’ll appreciate that you lovingly kept him from ruining your pleasure and got him back on track.

And if he is a bit on the clueless side (which a great many men are, due to lack of ability with women), simply use this:

“Hey, let’s slow down a bit… no rush…”

This is effective because it allows the hyper-charge of energy to calm down a bit. You both can get grounded again. His sexual energy is likely to be very wound up.

Take time to reconnect and get back in your hearts (instead of just stimulating your bodies). This will work wonders at making the lovemaking passionate and heartfelt.

Tip 4: Make sex Feel DESIRED – not an obligation or a chore…

Sex with us should never feel like a chore. it should be a natural, regular expression of affection in your relationship.

So please don’t make him beg for it, buy you gifts for it, wait for a birthday or vacation for it, or some magical alignment of the stars to get busy. Just make us feel like equal and wanted partners.

If you’re not feeling the sex in your relationship, you can talk with him about it. This is a deep conversation that men are more than willing to have because the sex is so important to him. Yes, it’s important to you, too – but men need sex as a PRIMARY method of feeling love within a relationship.

Slow down and enjoy having him…

Maybe we need to hear that we aren’t making you feel desired enough. Maybe our lives are too busy, maybe your schedule is too busy and we need to help you out….

Whatever the problem is, talking about it will only help.

And if you happen to have some deep issues related to sex that need therapy, please PLEASE seek that out and get it handled. A competent therapist can help you work through your traumas.

Because if you’re hoping they’ll just “disappear” magically when you meet “The One” – I have something to tell you…

It’s more likely that those issues will simply scare him off – and might even make him feel like HE is the problem.

Do the work for both of you now.

Tip 5: Do your homework…

You’d be surprised how many women want to perform for their man in bed, but simply don’t know what to do.

Get back to being a student…

There is always something to be learned.

Here are a few items you might want to add to your “self-improvement” list in the bedroom:

  1. Kegels.
    Oh yeah. You know ’em. You love ’em. The one and only exercise that can make you feel like “home” to a guy, when you’ve got this handled. It’s a simple exercise, and you can do it ANYWHERE. And take it from a guy who’s experienced the difference – this simple exercise works!
  2. Study porn.
    While many of the sites out there are catering to women viewers, they make most of these videos for men, plain and simple. Watch them and learn, because they’re telling you valuable things about men’s subconscious sexual desires. It’s not the LITERAL content you want to watch for as much as what is communicated to the viewer in the scenarios. It’s an education in men’s desires. Turn off judgment and tune in to understand more about men’s true sexual needs.
  3. Explore yourself.
    Take some time to explore your own body. It’s yours, so you might as well know it inside and out. Knowing what feels good to you, and then communicating this to him is an excellent way to connect with him. It also educates him to how you work, and that will bind you together more intimately.

And, by the way, nothing turns a guy on more than a woman who actually WANTS to be good in bed for him. That’s a dream come true…

Tip 6: Give HIM foreplay…

Yeah, you heard me.

Guys like foreplay just as much as women. (We just don’t ALWAYS want to have to work for 75 minutes to get you ‘in the mood.’ This makes sex too much of a chore.)

What kind of foreplay?

  • Lots of physical touch that is NOT his groin. Touch us everywhere BUT there…
  • Lots of dirty talk that lets us know we ARE getting some tonight…
  • Lots of dreamy eye contact that tells us WE are the cause of your rapidly moistening situation…

All he can do is to think about being with you…

The key is to tease him without making him feel like it’s a game to make YOU feel desired. Or that you’re leading him on.

Give him foreplay, and you’ll also amp up his love and attachment hormones, too. This makes him far more likely to fall in love with you along the way.

And finally, we come to:

Tip 7: Don’t Hold Back…

Men are used to a very common dynamic with women. She will tease and hint at sex, but usually be a bit too reserved about showing her sexuality to make it feel “real” to us.

In other words, most women hit a very predictable barrier that stops her from being drop dead sexy.

The cycle goes like this:

  • She starts being sultry and hot…
  • He starts to respond to her…
  • She realizes that she’s doing that thing her mom – or her grandma – or her confused high school friends told her NOT to do: Don’t be a slut!
  • She becomes too self-conscious and starts to feel like she’s gone too far…
  • And the vibe either goes cold, or gets weird.

There’s even a term for this barrier in a woman’s mind that stops her from going “Full Sexy” –

The Slut Complex.

You may KNOW deep in your heart that it’s illogical, but there’s a zone that feels too “promiscuous” to ignore.

So make sure you know where your limits are FIRST. And then you can gracefully pull back from that edge before you feel that weirdness set in.

And this way you can also preserve your sexual boundaries ethically and with heart.

Keep healthy, sexual boundaries.

I think most every woman has felt like she jumped into bed too soon, and then the very thing she worried about happening happens. He pulls away or disappears shortly after they hook up.

The key is how you feel about stopping yourself and setting that boundary.

AND how to make him understand it’s the right thing…

Men may seem disconnected to you in bed, and that’s because they’re trying to not lose their focus with you. (Truth be told, most women don’t feel very connected to the experience the first time. There’s so much worry and inner angst being held by both!)

There is a simple cure for this kind of disconnect you might have with your man. And it leads you closer to true connection with him, too.

You just have to know how to connect with him.

REALLY connect with him – not that fake intimacy that everyone throws around these days…

The sex will be amazing…

And the relationship will be everything you ever wanted it to be.

Go discover The Connection Code

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Table of Contents

Hey, it’s okay to ask. We should all be doing whatever it takes to get more pleasure for ourselves and our partner (or partners) during sex. No one has the time these days to waste, so we’ll make it easy for you. Want to know how to last longer in bed? We’ve got easy advice on how to tack on minutes. Looking to add some new moves to your routine? Try reverse cowgirl, rimming, or even tantric sex on for size. In this collection of the best sex positions and advice, you’ll find tips and tricks, ideas, and expert intel on pulling off better sex moves. Take notes and study hard; your new and improved sex life begins now.

Courtesy

1. Reverse Cowgirl Position

It’s very stimulating for her. Here’s how to do it.

Learn More

2. Rimming

There’s quite a concentration of nerves back there, so give anilingus a shot.

Learn More

3. Sexting

How to correctly use the horniest emoji: flag up mailbox.

Learn More

4. Dick Pics

There are two types of dick pics every guy should be able to take.

Learn More

5. Open Relationships

A beginner’s guide to being non-monogamous without being a jerk.

Learn More

6. Sex Apps

Everything to know about sex and dating apps before jumping in bed with a stranger.

Learn More

7. Kissing

There are four ways to do it well. Because you can’t skip this step.

Learn More

8. DIY Sex Toys

Your house is full of things just waiting to become sex toys.

Learn More

9. Sex Games

These are a whole lot sexier than “Truth or Dare.”

Learn More

10. Condom Sizes

A brief guide to choosing the right one. Grab a toilet paper roll.

Learn More

11. Dirty Talk

It’s not just what you say, it’s how (and when) you say it.

Learn More

12. Lasting Longer

A four-step guide to maintaining control during sex.

Learn More

13. Breathing for Better Sex

Get over nerves and fear so you can both enjoy the experience even more.

Learn More

14. A Workout Plan for Better Sex

If you feel strong and flexible, it will show in the bedroom.

Learn More

15. Sex Toys for Men

Enhance your pleasure with these devices, for yourself, or for you and your partner.

Learn More

16. What Women Want

Remember these eleven things that she expects from you.

Learn More

17. Average Sex Time

It’s not as long as you’d think, according to science.

Learn More

18. Tantric Sex

You could have four or five orgasms. She could have twelve.

Learn More

19. Tea Bagging

Tea bagging is a sexual kink, and a darn good one at that.

Learn More

20. Shower Sex

How to have it without slipping and fumbling all over the place.

Learn More

21. Oral Sex

Tips for giving and receiving it correctly.

Learn More

22. Foreplay

Keep things interesting by spicing up your pre-sex practices.

Learn More

23. G-Spot Stimulation

How to find her G-spot, and her cul-de-sac.

Learn More

24. Couples Porn

You and your partner should be watching porn together. It doesn’t have to be weird.

Learn More

25. Best and Worst Kinds of Sex

From breakup sex to mile high sex, here’s the rundown on all the ways to do it.

Learn More

26. Healthy Sex

In case you needed more convincing, there are nine reasons having sex is good for you.

Learn More

Related Stories

When it comes to knowing what makes your partner tick in the bedroom, tutorials on “mind-blowing sex positions” only get you so far. Stimulating and gratifying sex is all in the timing, the communication, and spontaneity, according to Dr. Bea Jaffrey—a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist based in Switzerland—and Mary Jo Rapini, a Houston-based psychiatrist and sex therapist. Keep scrolling to find expert suggestions from Rapini on what works in the bedroom and tips from Jaffrey’s new book on overcoming common sex issues, 159 Mistakes Couples Make in the Bedroom.

1. Tell Him What Turns You On

Research suggests that better communication is key to better sex, and no, we don’t necessarily mean dirty talk. Communicating what you like and don’t like can be instructional and informative as you get to know each other’s bodies. If he’s doing something you like, say so rather than relying on ambiguous gestures or noises. And if it’s something you’re not into, communicate that or guide him in a new direction. Want to try a different angle? Suggest one. If simultaneous orgasm is your goal and you’re close to climaxing, don’t be mum about it.

2. Don’t Underestimate the Power of Praise

In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex Research, researchers analyzed answers from 39,000 heterosexual couples that were married or cohabiting for over three years. Sexual satisfaction reported to be higher among the couples who revealed that they gave each other positive affirmation during sex and were open enough about embarrassing moments during sex to joke about them and move on. Dr. Jaffrey notes that this lighthearted approach to sex is key, saying, “Don’t take life too seriously. Happy couples laugh together.”

3. Keep Things Spontaneous

Even great sex can start to feel monotonous over time if it’s more or less the same old routine. To mix things up, Marie Claire’s guy expert Lodro Rinzler suggests that “if you’re in bed with someone and have a sense of something new you or your partner might enjoy, be it some teasing, a change in position, anything…go for it. Men love it when women are spontaneous and confident in their ability in bed.”

Dr. Jaffrey also recommends switching up the time and place to avoid falling into a rut of once-a-week “duty sex.” “Try new places to have sex, maybe on the sofa, in the car or on the kitchen countertops? Or how about the back row of a movie theater? Be careful though because sex is illegal in public places. Try role-playing…take a bath together. Be inventive, have fun.”

4. Think of Foreplay as a Long-Term Act

Jaffrey notes that setting the mood for sex is vital, for women especially, and that foreplay should start long before sex even begins: “I am talking here about the mental foreplay that happens days in advance, not the one that you have just before sex. Make sure to be attentive to your partner. Small gestures and nice comments are significant to setting the right mood for sex.” She also suggests keeping up communication during the day through texts or emails.

Getty Images

5. Exercise and Don’t Skimp on the D (the *Vitamin* D)

If anyone doubted the power of exercise, there’s a good chance the Class Pass subscription you passed up this year is affecting your sex drive. “Exercise improves circulation in the body, and that includes the blood flow to your genital area, consequently increasing the desire and lifting your mood”. We’re sure those endorphins don’t hurt.

And as for those of us city dwellers lacking in vitamin D? “Even during the summer, we don’t get enough vitamin D because we’re scared of the UV rays causing us skin cancer and premature aging,” says Dr. Jaffrey. “Though too much sun can be damaging to the skin, Vitamin D is essential for estrogen production in women and testosterone production in men. It boosts your libido so if you feel friskier during the summer, this is the reason.” Our pressing spring fever questions answered? We think yes.

6. Go for Morning Sex or Afternoon Delight

Dr. Jaffrey notes in her new book that a major reason for mismatched desire between couples is the way men and women handle stress during the week. Men, she says, see sex as a stress reliever while women want to have sex after they’ve had time to unwind. As a result, women tend to go to bed exhausted, their minds focused on preparing for the next day.

Her solution? “A better alternative is to have sex in the morning. Set the alarm 30 minutes before your usual time and see what happens. Men’s testosterone levels peak in the morning so you might be pleasantly surprised…Another alternative would be to have afternoon sex on weekends. Interestingly enough, women tend to ovulate in the afternoon, meaning that the optimal hormone level for female sexual desire happens at that time.”

“Men see sex as a stress reliever while women want to have sex after they’ve had time to unwind.”

7. Expand Your Vocabulary

The power of sexy banter in the bedroom gets underplayed, but it can be a serious mood-enhancer when you’re trying to liven things up together. Going about that, however, isn’t the easiest for people who aren’t used to actually vocalizing 50 Shades-esque fantasies. “What my benefit the most from is when they go to a bookstore or they go online and they find an erotic book,” says Rapini. She suggests that couples read from erotic books together, especially if they want to work on developing a “dirty talk” vocabulary that gives them the language cues without feeling self-conscious.Reading off scripts, she says, never works as well as if couples find a book they really like together and can build off of that jargon.

8. Experiment with Toys and Props

One way that Rapini counsels long-term couples on how to explore the unknown to enhance their sexual experience is to try shopping for products and toys together. That could mean anything from couples’ vibrators (she recommends the remote-controlled Fiera) to massage oils to body paint to blindfolds, though Rapini says another way to set the scene is to try adding music as sexy background noise. “Make massage part of your routine and start touching each other. Many couples will start feeling their libido rise after they do that,” she says.

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9. Do Chores Together

Sure, as trivial as it sounds, doing housework together not only makes you better roommates that are less likely to blow up over a stack of dishes, but also helps couples have more satisfying sex. According to a 2016 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, sharing household duties encourages an “eroticism of fairness,” in which there’s a turn on from both genders sharing roles that are traditionally relegated to women exclusively. Scientific proof that partners who want to share cooking and cleaning duties are sexier in the bedroom? Say no more.

10. Focus on Quality Rather Than Quantity

There isn’t really one golden rule, but a recent study suggested that more sex doesn’t mean better sex and that the happiest couples have sex only once a week. So if you’re anxious about you and your partner not screwing like rabbits, there’s proof that the more energy you put into making regular weekly sex *better* will pay off in the long run.

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8 Sex Tips For Men Who Actually Want To Please A Woman, According To A Reader Question

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off-limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how men can be better sexual partners to women.

Q: This is a rather general question, but I was wondering if you could write about how men can be good sexual partners for women. I have had several relationships end because the guy didn’t seem like he could be a partner in creating a healthy sex life. I know I’m not going to be sexually compatible with every guy I meet, but it seems like so many guys out there are selfish or disrespectful when it comes to sex.

A: Thanks for your question! I love talking about the nitty-gritty, but I welcome the opportunity to talk about larger topics, too. I’m all about creating a more sex-positive world, and it’s important to talk about how we can all contribute to that. Of course, I have to give the caveat that not all men approach sex the same way. That being said, there are some broad patterns I have noticed in my work with men who sleep with women. Here are eight ways for to be truly amazing in the sack.

1. Educate Yourself

Great lovers are made, not born! This is a point that I bring up time and time again. So many people expect sex to be effortless, but it rarely works that way in the real world. Just like any other skill, being good in bed takes time, practice, and education. There are so many topics to learn about, including sexual health, STI and pregnancy prevention, sexual technique, and communication.

Books are an easy way to jump-start your own sex ed. The Big Bang by Nerve is a great entry-level primer to all things sex. She Comes First by Ian Kerner is an incredible book about refining your oral sex technique. Check out some books about sex positions or female orgasm. These are all fun topics to brush up on, so this shouldn’t ever feel like a chore!

2. Respect That Your Partner Is Unique

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Learning about sex in a general sense is important, but it’s just as important to realize that different things work for different partners. What one partner likes won’t necessarily be a hit for another. Any time you’re with someone new, get to know their body, just as you would get to know about them as a person. When you’re being intimate, ask what they want and like (even simple questions like “Is this a good stroke?” are helpful). Solicit their feedback during and after your times together. Pay attention to how your partner responds nonverbally, too, and adjust your approach accordingly. Does your partner breathe more heavily when you use one particular stroke? Do they moan when you pick up the pace?

It’s especially important not to compare your partner to your past partners. Your past experiences will create a good foundation of sexual skills, but don’t ever directly compare her to someone you’ve been with in the past. I’ve heard so many men say things like “All of the women I’ve been with have loved that position” or “My ex never had a problem orgasming.” These kinds of comments are insensitive and hurtful. They’re not going to magically change their preferences (“Oh really? Now I love that position, too!”), and they’re going to (rightfully) piss them off.

3. Don’t Expect Your Partner To Work Like You Do

I work with a lot of men who expect their partner’s sexuality to work the same way as theirs. For example, they may wonder why it takes their partner so long to get turned on, when they can be ready for sex at the drop of a hat. Our society accepts male sexuality as the “default,” and treats people with vulvas as deficient if they don’t respond the same way.

Another example lies in the fact that we shame folks with vulvas for taking “too long” to orgasm simply because people with penises can do it faster. If you want to be a good partner, you should respect the fact that there are big differences in the ways people feel desire, get aroused, and experience pleasure. Get to know what makes your partner tick.

4. Care About Their Pleasure

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This one should go without saying, but there are a surprising number of people out there who don’t care about their partner’s experience. Even if you’re just in a casual sexual relationship with someone who has a vulva, you should still be invested in their pleasure. It should feel good to make another person feel good. Ask them how you can make the evening enjoyable for them. Spend time focusing on just their body. Tell them how much it turns you on to hear their moans. There’s nothing sexier than knowing that your partner is genuinely enjoying bringing you pleasure.

5. … But Don’t Pressure Them To Orgasm

On the other hand, you don’t want to get so invested in making your partner feel good that you wind up pressuring them to orgasm. It’s great to want to make your partner orgasm, but don’t make them feel like they need to orgasm. Many women and nonbinary folks are sensitive to feeling pressured in the bedroom, but orgasm is impossible when it feels like an expectation. Your partner’s pleasure should be important to you simply because you want them to feel good, not because you want to boost your ego.

Don’t make a partner feel guilty if they can’t reach orgasm (again, no “But my ex orgasmed every time!” BS). You can get this point across by saying something like, “I can keep doing this until you tell me you’re ready to stop.” Or you can even say directly, “I want to make you feel good, but I don’t want you to feel pressured to orgasm.”

6. Communicate

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Open, honest communication is one of the pillars of fantastic sex. It’s vital for so many different reasons. You need to be able to tell your partner what your desires are, and to ask what theirs are. It’s important to give feedback about what each of you likes. If you’re in a relationship, there will definitely be times where you have to communicate about problems in your sex life. And it’s really hot to talk dirty during sex itself! Talking about sex is hard for most people, but it gets a lot easier with practice. Check out this straightforward primer on developing your sexual communication skills.

7. Be Sensitive About Body Issues

Women and nonbinary folks are expected to live up to the ridiculous standards perpetuated by the media. We’re bombarded by Photoshopped images of perfect bodies and shamed for not living up these ideals. Every single body part is nitpicked to death. On top of all of that, we’re socialized to believe that our genitals “look weird” and “smell funny.”

All of this pressure we feel around our bodies affects our enjoyment of sex. It’s hard to be in the moment when you’re worried about your stomach or are ashamed of the way your genitals taste. I bring up this issue because being sensitive about this can help folks who didn’t have this experience be better partners. You’re not responsible for making your partner feel more self-confident, but you can help them feel more comfortable in the moment. Tell your partner the specific things you love about their body. Compliment them during the most vulnerable moments, like when you’re taking off their clothes or moving down between their legs. Let them know that the way they taste and smell turns you on.

8. Be An Advocate for Sex-Positivity

So many people bemoan the fact that women and nonbinary folks don’t feel more comfortable with sex, but then they turn around and slut-shame them. This shaming is horrifyingly pervasive, and it has serious consequences. If you want someone to have sex with you, you have to make it safe for them to actually do so. Don’t degrade women and nonbinary individuals by calling them names, objectifying their bodies, or disrespecting their boundaries.

Let women and nonbinary folks make their own decisions, and respect their choices. Keep your judgments to yourself (or better yet, take some time to examine why you’re making any judgments in the first place). The bottom line is this: We can all contribute to a healthier, happier, more sex-positive world by simply respecting each other. That’s not so hard, is it?

This piece was originally published on October 19, 2015. It was updated on June 24, 2019.

When sex is no longer a priority is there an underlying relationship problem? Kenedy Singer opens up and wonders: How important is sex in a relationship?

The importance of sex in a healthy relationship cannot be understated. Well, mostly.

See, as a guy, it’s definitely one of the most important things if not THE most important thing. It’s a primal thing, really. On the other hand, many women would say it’s just as important, but may be more likely to overlook the issue if everything else in the relationship is going well.

Here’s a simple way to sum things up: Men often choose a woman based upon the sex (or the prospect of it), and end up falling in love; while women generally choose a man based upon the love they feel, and end up enjoying sex. I know that “all” is a total generalization, but you get my point. Men tend to focus on sex. Women tend to focus on love.

But let me get personal here, I’m divorced. My ex is a lovely woman, whom I still love dearly. However, we had many challenges in our marriage. One of the byproducts of all that (though some might argue it to actually be the cause) is that we quit having sex. The effect of this on me was challenging. Often, I’d feel sexually frustrated and felt resentment towards my ex because we weren’t being intimate.

The implications of all these factors are big because sex is a deep and powerful form of intimacy. It bonds and connects two people in ways that few other things can. It’s beyond the mind. It’s beyond the body, too. There is a deep energetic connection that bonds two people when they make love.

It’s not just the intermingling of juices. It’s not even that two people shared an act of love with someone, that they most likely hold sacred. What’s really happened is that there has been a union between two people that transcends time and space. And we know it. Yet it’s very hard to quantify. Right? We all know how close we feel to someone after we have sex. That doesn’t mean it’s the magical elixir for all that might be off or dysfunctional in a relationship.

But, heck, it sure does mean that it helps bring us together. The term “makeup sex” is just that. It brings us closer. If you’ve had a hard day and your hackles are all up towards your partner, yet at the end of the day you go to bed and make love, then the chances are that you will soften towards them and feel closer after making love.

I know many women may be saying that they just can’t have sex when they don’t feel close to their partner. It’s a valid point. I’m not saying you should.

What I am suggesting is this: if you want to feel more connected to your partner but are allowing squabbles and minor disagreements set your emotional agenda, simply let this anger fall away. Consider that the simple act of saying “yes” to your partner, and to passion, may begin to shift the dynamic. If you’re both honoring each other correctly, sex will most likely help you feel closer to your love.

Back to my marriage, there were often times when we had fought or just felt distance between us. This continued on and on so that we continued to grow apart over time. It could have been different. Many experts approach relationship challenges from the “deficiency model.” In this model, they identify what isn’t working, and work to fix those problems.

Makes lots of sense, right? Something is broken, so go fix it. What doesn’t jive with this approach is that it doesn’t typically address what is the core issue—a solid foundation in the relationship.

Relationship expert John Gottman has done outstanding research on relationships and what makes them work. This is where Gottman is different. He doesn’t suggest fixing anything. Rather, his approach is all about creating a solid foundation in the relationship. One where both people feel a strong, deep bond between each other. In doing this, there is a stronger bond and a level of goodwill that flows. When your man comes home at the end of the day and is in caveman mode, you don’t take it personally. And when your woman just wants to talk and be heard, you are happy to listen because you know she just needs an ear.

In short, everything becomes easier. The little things just fall to the wayside. The big things are more easily handled, especially because there isn’t a backlog of resentment and anger over previous unresolved issues. Comprende?

So how do you do this?

Well, Gottman teaches much of this in his workshops and writing. I do suggest that if you haven’t read it yet that you check out his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. It includes excellent tips and guidance on creating and sustaining intimate relationships. You don’t have to be married to learn immensely from this book.

And, yes, having a healthy sex life is part of all this. Keep this in mind too, there are many things you can do that are flirtatious, intimate and nourishing besides just the act of sex. Foreplay is lots of fun and definitely helps set the tone for better lovemaking. It for sure creates more emotional intimacy which strengthens the bonds of lovemaking.

Personally, I know that my failed marriage would have benefitted enormously from more of the Gottman foundation-building work. We didn’t have the tools at that point though to go that route. It was sad to end a relationship with someone that I still had deep love for, but it was necessary. I’m hoping that you have and/or find the tools in your intimate relationships to foster a deep bond and foundation. And that you have a healthy and satisfying sex life with your partner!

I’d love to hear more about your experience of love and sex in your life, please feel free to share your comments below.

About the Author:

Kenedy Singer

As a Clinical Psychologist for 10 years, Kenedy Singer listens and counsels with deep empathy blended with great humor. He now specializes in helping women learn how to successfully navigate dating while having a blast and effortlessly drawing in the great men they’ve been looking for. Having spent many years single, he learned firsthand the ups and downs of dating. He likes to say he’s seen it all. And he’s happy to say that he’s no longer single. All his efforts landed him a partner who he feels blessed and lucky to be with every day. He coaches clients in person, by phone and via Skype. Connect with him through his website & find him on Facebook.

The Difference Between Sex & Love for Men

As a psychotherapist who specializes in emotions, and as a woman with my own personal history of serial monogamy, I have come to realize that some men channel their need for love, intimacy, soothing, care, and comfort into sexual desire.

Here are some examples:

Dylan wants sex when he feels sad because he likes the comfort the physical holding provides. Dylan, like most people, wants to be held when he is sad. In fact, the need to be held when we feel sad is biologically programmed into our brains.

Jonathan wants sex when he’s lonely. He believes it is weak to let someone know that he feels lonely and wants company. Alternatively, he thinks it is acceptable to find and ask for sex, which satisfies his need for human connection.

Sexual excitement is a core emotion. And, as we know from research on emotions, each core emotion has a “program” that has evolved over thousands of years for survival purposes. This “program” causes specific physical sensations and impulses to arise inside us at the moment when a particular emotion is triggered.

Sexual excitement is often physically felt as sensations in the groin area with an impulse to seek orgasmic release. Sadness, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and fear are other emotions that can combine with sexual excitement. The mashup of the tender emotions with sexual excitement is the brilliant way the mind can make sure core human needs are met in consciously covert yet culturally acceptable ways.

Mental health is improved by being in touch with the full range of our core emotions. Therefore, it is in our best interest to know which core emotions are present and driving our desire for sex. Is it pure sexual excitement? Is it a need for comfort? Is it a need for connection?

Knowing the culture of masculinity we live in, it should not come as a surprise that some men feel they have to sublimate tender and “needy” feelings into sexual desire. In the documentary “The Mask We Live In,” filmmaker Jennifer Siebel Newsom follows boys and young men as they struggle to stay true to their authentic selves while negotiating America’s narrow definition of masculinity. If men and boys could own the full range of their emotions, not just anger and sexual excitement, we would see trends in depression and anxiety decrease. Here’s why:

When we block our core emotions (sadness, fear, anger) and needs for intimacy (love, companionship, sharing of feelings, closeness) men and women develop symptoms including anxiety, shame, and depression. Symptoms go away when we become reacquainted with our core emotions. This first step to wellness comes from understanding that it is normal for both men and women to experience sadness, fear, love, anger, and longing for connection both sexual and through talking about our thoughts and feelings with each other. Needs for affection and love are as “masculine” as needs for strength, power, and ambition. Emotions are not for the weak, they are for the human.

Although things are slowly changing, the two main emotions that are most acceptable for men to display are still sexual excitement and anger. The more tender emotions including fear, sadness, love, need, and longing are still considered “unmanly” to express. So it is not surprising that the tender emotions, which have to be expressed in some way, get bound to sexuality. In fact, channeling needs for comfort and soothing into sex is actually a clever compromise. After all, during sex men can unabashedly get held, stroked, kissed, hugged, and loved up all under the acceptable guise of a very manly act — that of sexual prowess. But we can do better by helping to change the culture of masculinity so it is in sync with our biology.

Top 5 Things Men and Women Can Do for Men

  1. Educate and normalize the scientific fact that we all have the same universal core emotions: sadness, fear, anger, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement.
  2. Inform the men in your life that the need to connect with others and share one’s true feelings and thoughts is normal for all humans, and not specific to sex and gender.
  3. Invite the men in your life to share their feelings and thoughts (especially the ones they are ashamed about) while also stressing the point that you will not judge them as weak or feminine for sharing vulnerabilities.
  4. Know that humans are complex creatures. We all have weak and strong parts. It’s important to hold all aspects of us simultaneously. That’s the way people feel whole and complete.
  5. Recommend to everyone you know the movie “The Mask You Live In,” which is now available on Netflix.

Couple embracing photo available from

The Difference Between Sex & Love for Men

There are a lot of annoying and frustrating myths that get tossed around about how men think and feel about sex. Most of them are based on extremes and seem to come from a need to put something very complicated in simple terms.

high angle view of a couple hugging in bed

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We’re not just looking to get off (we can take care of that pretty easily ourselves, actually…). It’s not just the thrill of conquest (we assume that when women sleep with us it’s because they want to and not because they’ve been defeated, right?). It’s not just our biological imperative to make as many little versions of ourselves as possible before we die (most of us our actually trying not to knock you up). So what the hell is it? What drives men toward sex and what does it mean to us when it happens?

I probably shouldn’t do this, but screw it: In the spirit of promoting better understanding between the sexes, here are six deep, dark secrets about how men really feel about sex.

We Don’t Actually Want Sex All the Time

We just think we’re supposed to want it all the time, and unfortunately, this seems to be what women think too. It’s extraordinarily difficult for a man to say no to guaranteed sex, not only because it’s considered unmanly, but because women tend to assume that something’s “wrong.” Nothing’s wrong. Just like women, we only want sex…when we want it. The problem is that we’re often terrible at knowing the difference between sex we want and sex we don’t want until the awkward post–coital embrace. We really need to work on that one.

Sex =Validation

We’re racked with self doubt, constantly. We try to ignore it, we cover it up with obnoxious bravado, and occasionally, we actually try to work on the bad habits that are making us feel so lousy about ourselves. Mostly, we try to push away feelings of inadequacy because we’re afraid that we won’t be attractive to women if we present as anything but totally confident. It sucks.

There is a moment, though, when the inner critic just has to shut his stupid little mouth and let the grown–ups talk. It’s the moment of orgasm, followed by the collapse into a woman’s arms. That’s the best.

It Is About Power

The domination thing is no myth, but it’s not a scary bad thing either. We want you lost in a raging, out of your mind, forgetting your own name, ocean of ecstasy. We want to you to completely lose control and we want to be the guy who took it from you. But, really, it’s not about power ’cause everybody wins, right?

Sex tip for men

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