- Signs he’s a good guy – top 5 ‘honest signals’
- 9 Signs You’ve Found A Genuinely Good Guy
- Why Can’t More People Detect Jerks and How to Spot one?
- 1. The Waiter Test
- 2. Pay Attention to His Friends
- 3. Does He Keep His Word?
- 4. Does He Listen to You?
- 5. Does He Flicker In and Out?
- 6. Is He a Know-It-All?
- 7. The Money-Talker
- 8. How Does He Treat His Mom?
- 9. How Does He Treat You at Parties or When He Introduces You to New People?
- 10. What’s He Like in the Bedroom?
- 11. The Manipulator
- Wrapping This One Up
- 10 ways to spot a jerk | The Wichita Eagle
Signs he’s a good guy – top 5 ‘honest signals’
Signs he’s a good guy number 3 – Aretha Franklin would say R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Let’s start with the obvious, you are two people therefore you’re not going to agree on everything. I think it’s pretty alright to have differences of opinion or how you like things done, the important thing being that your guy accepts your position on something and doesn’t try to change your mind about it. By changing your mind this doesn’t have to be logically trying to convince you of his perspective, it could simply be a big fat sulk or bought of moodiness when you don’t agree with him.
A person who can compromise shows they respect that you have your own life and opinions. It could be that one of you wants to spend more time together than the other, so you meet halfway. Or if it’s something like a sexual act that he ‘checks it out’ that you’re into it first (or vice versa!) and if he gets a no doesn’t push it. A man who is busy tearing your clothes off without making sure you’re on board with it at every stage, or who sulks if you don’t want to do a sexual act, is straight up bad news.
High five to the men who ask ‘is this okay by you?’
Signs he’s a good guy number 4 – care. Care is a beautiful quality in anyone. This means that if he hears you’re sick he offers to help out and bring you shopping. That is you have an awkward-because-weve-only-recently-met sexual issue he sticks around to offer you emotional support. He remembers if you have a big meeting that day. He thinks about whether you’re tired and need some more rest. He helps you with seemingly mundane tasks like shopping and tidying.
Only caveat on this is when ‘care’ is a cover story for ‘control’. If he has to be with you all the time, is keeping tabs on you online, and doesn’t like you spending time with your friends. This isn’t because he’s worried about your safety, it’s because his possessive tentacles are out. If you think this might be the case refer to ‘signs he’s a good guy number 3’ tell him what you want and need ‘I like to have at least a couple of nights a week with my friends because they’re important to me’ and see if he listens to that.
Signs he’s a good guy number 5 – consistency. This is my favourite. Consistent behaviour suggests strength of character and true emotions. This could be regular messaging, seeing each other a couple of times a week, and investing in your relationship over a period of time. It’s all well and good being swept off your feet but respect, love and trust take time to build. The trick with this honest signal is that you won’t know if you have it or not until you’ve been dating for some time. So make sure you pace yourself and take some time to work him out, before you cancel out your whole diary for him. Show self-respect by having some personal boundaries… and then see if he’s able to respect them.
Of course ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’ are just in the fairytales, people are rarely all bad or all good; and all relationships and new beginnings are by their nature a leap of faith but use these guidelines to reassure you that the leap isn’t all that big!
To get on board with becoming more self aware, stronger and ready to date… I’d love to meet you in my HQ Club. Link with information on what feminist dating that empowers you looks like…
1. He asks about how your friend Becky is doing after her breakup. Him caring about your friends and asking about them later not only shows that he’s a caring person, but he’s invested in your life and the people in it.
2. After he met Becky for the first time, he was like, “Do you think that went well?” You don’t want to end up with a guy who’s like, “I don’t care if your friends hate me, they suck anyway.” That’s just a logistical nightmare and is surely going to end in some severed ties with people you really care about.
3. When you bring up that your boss is being rude to you at work, he doesn’t sigh and roll his eyes because you’re “complaining again.” If he can’t sit through a five-minute tirade about a lame work situation, he won’t be able to sit down with you when something seriously big goes wrong.
4. He’s polite to waiters and cashiers, and doesn’t do that awful thing where you yell, “CHECK, PLEASE,” across the restaurant. It might have been cool to date the guy who was sweet to you but an asshole to everyone else when you were 13 and bullies were kind of sexy, but that sort of relationship doesn’t hold up in adulthood. Don’t date a man-bully who could very well turn around and bully you if you piss him off.
5. He doesn’t desert you at his friends’ parties. It’s OK for him to encourage you to be friendly with his friends, but it’s not OK for him to have an exclusive conversation with Chad while you sit alone awkwardly on the couch.
6. He always offers to share the last slice of pizza with you and then doesn’t say anything when you “accidentally” eat way more than half of it. If the last slice is sacred enough for Drake to rap about it in a love song, (“You could have my heart or we could share it like the last slice”) then it must be a real sign of a potentially great romance.
7. He doesn’t manspread across your entire schedule and take over your whole world. It might be flattering if the guy you just met wants to spend all his time with you, but if he’s really invested in who you are as a person, he’ll encourage you to be your own person and hang out with him when you both have time.
8. He’s genuinely interested in (or at least good at faking it) your long, rambly stories about family vacations you took as a kid. Instead of getting frustrated and impatient when you talk for 10 minutes about that one weird trip you went on in 2007, he’s excited to hear about what happened after that fight you had with your little brother in the backseat of the family van.
9. He doesn’t get upset when you say you need some alone time. You would understand if he needed some, and he doesn’t want to take over your life anyway.
10. He never says things like, “You’re being crazy,” or, “You’re being ridiculous.” Because he’s compassionate and empathetic, and realizes saying things like that make you feel little and stupid, and a good boyfriend would never do those things.
11. He makes you feel like a hot babe all the time. You don’t want to spend a significant amount of time with a guy who makes you feel insecure or question whether or not he’s attracted to you.
12. He has female friends who aren’t just a collection of women who’ve seen his penis before. If other girls (who aren’t exes or former flings) like him enough to be his friend, he’s probably a good guy that you’ll also enjoy spending time with (and kissing a lot).
13. He gets really excited when you hit it off with his best friend Jason, just like he knew you would. He wants his friends to like you.
14. You don’t find a million texts and missed calls on your phone from him after spending a night out with your girlfriends. This is a red flag of a potentially obsessive or manipulative guy. NOPE.
16. He texts after work to see how that meeting with your boss went. It would be annoying AF for him to be texting you every 10 minutes when he knows you’re busy all day, but checking in later shows he cares the right amount.
17. He doesn’t rush you out the door when you’re trying to make sure your lip liner is perfectly applied and not smudged. He might do a little bit of gentle ribbing about how slow you are, but he shouldn’t shame you for taking your time and trying to look good. That’s rude.
18. When he screws up, he’s quick to apologize instead of letting you stew in your anger for a week and a half. Stubbornness is actually an incredibly unattractive quality, and it only makes little fights turn into enormous ones. And a good boyfriend typically tries to avoid enormous fights.
19. And when you screw up, he doesn’t hold a grudge forever like a sullen teen named Todd. If he isn’t perfect, he can’t expect you to be perfect either. He forgives.
20. He has interests and hobbies aside from dating you. You want to date a person, not a prepackaged boyfriend. That gets so boring so fast.
21. When you’re hanging out, he talks about things he wants to do with you in the future, even if it’s just the near future.
22. He doesn’t immediately start acting like your boyfriend after hanging out one time in a friend’s backyard. Going from zero to 100 real quick is a good way to end up crashing and burning before the relationship ever gets started. This guy gets to know you. You know, like an adult person.
23. He sends a “Hey, I had a lot of fun” text after hanging out with you. He isn’t trying to follow any bullshit dating rules about waiting three days before texting or calling. He just likes you is all.
24. He’s clear about his intentions early on, instead of leaving you in “Is he a hookup or a boyfriend?” limbo for forever. If he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t figure it out in a reasonable amount of time, he probably never will.
25. He gets excited about showing you things he likes. Not because he wants you to be his weird female twin, but because this is the best part of having a good girlfriend.
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Hannah Smothers Hannah writes about health, sex, and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
9 Signs You’ve Found A Genuinely Good Guy
Good guys, like good pairs of jeans, can be really hard to find. You might think you’ve found a great pair of skinnies but when you take them home and actually put them on, they look absolutely horrendous. It happens. If you’re disillusioned after one too many bad fits, here’s how you’ll know for sure you’ve found the kind of guy you’ve been looking for.
He asks deep questions and actually wants to know the answers.
He wants to get to know you, so he doesn’t just ask you questions about the weather or what your favorite time of year is (that’s something he’ll find out eventually). Instead, he asks you real questions that’ll help him get an idea of who you are deep down. He wants to know what your major in college was, how many siblings you have, what your goals are, etc.
He refers to you by name.
This is an important one! If you’ve been dating someone for a while and they’ve started to use pet names for you, that’s not a big deal (as long as you’re okay with the pet names they’re using, of course). But if you’re just getting to know each other and he’s referring to you as “baby” or “sexy,” it might be because he’s dating multiple girls and doesn’t want to chance calling anyone by the wrong name.
He doesn’t talk about sex 24/7.
Once again, if you’ve been dating for a while, go ahead and ignore this, but if you’re in the early stage of your “situationship” and he’s mentioned sex, he’s a POS. Regardless of what he’s said, even if it was a joke! He shouldn’t be sending you nudes or ask how many people you’ve slept with. That’s none of his business at this point in time.
He wants to meet your parents.
Personally, I don’t think it’s ever too soon to meet the family but some people get easily spooked when Mom and Dad are mentioned. A genuine guy, however, isn’t bothered about meeting your family. Sure, he might not want to do it after the first date but when you eventually invite him over to your parents’ house, he’ll have no problem going. In fact, he’s probably already asked about your family, hasn’t he? It’s his way of gathering information and using it to make sure your family will like him when the time eventually comes.
He keeps his word even when it’s inconvenient.
He doesn’t just say things for the sake of saying things. If he promises to take you out Friday night, you’d better believe he’s taking you out Friday night. Hell would literally have to freeze over for him to leave you hanging. You know you can rely on him to be there for you because he’s proven that to you already. You trust him and it’s because he doesn’t play games with you.
He cares about how he presents himself.
He’s not a narcissist or anything but he cares about his appearance. He doesn’t walk around looking like a homeless person even on his days off. He always showers, irons his shirts, and looks presentable even when he’s just lounging around.
He tells the truth even when it’d be easier to lie.
He tells it like it is. He’s upfront with his feelings and you’ve never had to guess (or overanalyze with your friends) anything he’s ever said to you. You two haven’t been together for a very long time but you know you can trust him. He’s just that kind of guy.
He notices subtle things about you.
He’s aware of how much you love chocolate, and he knows what your favorite TV shows are. Not because he’s asked, but because he pays attention to the what you say and do. He notices little things about you, like the way you get quiet when you’re upset, and he knows when to give you space and when to smother you with affection, based off nothing more than your facial expressions.
He makes you feel good about yourself.
You don’t need him to make you feel beautiful or capable of taking on the world but he does it anyway! He believes in you and he’s always showing that. He doesn’t just throw you generic compliments, he compliments you based off what your specific passions are. He knows you and he has no problem building you up when you forget just how amazing you truly are.
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Why Can’t More People Detect Jerks and How to Spot one?
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash Jul 16, 2018 · 10 min read
This is a question that I’ve been wondering about for some time. When I ask women about whether or not they have a sound “jerk” detector, it seems that they’re split 50/50 on the answer — some are great at detecting jerks while others admit they’re blind as bats.
I’m 29 years old today at the time of writing this article. I will confess that I have been a jerk in the dating arena. That being the case, I don’t let that fact define me, and I’m confident — having learned my lesson — that those days are long gone.
As a past jerk and being a guy — meaning I’ve spent plenty of time meeting and hanging out with other dudes who are big jerks — I think I have pretty good experience and some of the best insight when it comes to detecting one in the wild, or even someone who you might think you know intimately.
I’ve been friends with them. I’ve met them. I work with them. And some are still my friends today (though I keep them at arm’s length).
From a trained eye, it’s pretty easy to tell when someone is a jerk, which is why this question perplexes me. I understand it can be difficult discerning a singularity from a lasting character flaw, but usually after hanging out with someone long enough, you should have enough data points to make a sound conclusion.
Still, it’s crazy how often girls end up with jerks and say “I had no idea” after the fact. I guess what they say about how love is blind is true. Judgement is clouded by the desire to be desired. That intense feeling of needing to be loved. Desperate for it. So desperate that people are willing to overlook huge red flags waving in front of their faces.
I mean, I get it — I’ve definitely been there myself. But it’s still crazy.
Since you’re now likely curious about how to detect jerks, here’s the best advice I got…
Note: This article is geared towards women trying to detect guys who are jerks. For the sake of having a single viewpoint for the article (and being a guy myself), that’s what I stuck with. I understand there are quite a few different scenarios out there, and maybe this advice helps for that, too.
1. The Waiter Test
Most people know this one, but it’s fantastic if only for the fact that “getting food” is probably the most common date for new couples. Detecting a jerk in this scenario is as simple as observing how he treats the waiter or waitress.
- How does he speak to him? Is it sincere and respectful? Or demanding and condescending?
- How does he react when things don’t go perfect? Does he give him attitude? Does he get upset when he makes mistakes? God forbid the food take too long to arrive (which usually isn’t even the waiter’s fault).
- What does he say when the waiter walks away? Does he talk smack? Or does he let it go and continue on with the whole point of the date — learning about you?
Getting a little frustrated when justified is OK, especially if the restaurant isn’t treating you how they should, but anything more is a huge red flag. If you pay attention, you should be able to tell pretty quickly if he’s a jerk. If he treats his waiter that way — a total stranger — there’s a 100% chance he’ll eventually treat you that way, too.
2. Pay Attention to His Friends
Specifically, who he hangs out with the most.
I’ve got quite a few friends who I’d label as jerks, but I don’t hang out with them very often. They’re old college or high school buddies who are worth keeping around — and mostly good dudes — except for the fact that, you know, they sometimes treat women like objects instead of people.
Do his friends seem like jerks? Who someone hangs around with the most tells a good bit about the person. If his friends suck, and he thinks the world of them, that’s a red flag. That means he probably shares similar ideals and may just be acting differently in front of you to impress or not scare you.
My wife tells me all the time what great friends I have. She loves when they’re around and when we all hang out together. She said it was one of the first things she noticed about me — my friends were nice and actually gave a shit.
I make it a point to surrounded myself by people who lift me up. Someone who doesn’t do this clearly enjoys being around negative energy, which means something’s not right in their life.
3. Does He Keep His Word?
Real men understand the importance of upholding their word. If they say they’re going to do something, and commit to it, then they do it. After all, communication is one of the most important aspects of being human. It’s how we interact with each other every damn day.
Jerks don’t understand this or they’re too selfish to care. Jerks will tell you whatever you want to hear in the moment. Then, when you’re not there, they’ll do whatever is on their own personal agenda instead.
Pay attention to what a guy does leading up to and during the first few dates. For example, if he sets a date for you two to go to dinner and then cancels, a red flag should go up**. If he tries canceling again, chances are you’re not a priority to him, and it’s best you let that jerk go.
** Funny story, one time I connected with a girl on Tinder, and we had made plans to go to dinner to finally meet in-person. The night of, while walking to my car from work, I noticed I had a flat tire. There was no way I was going to make it 50 minutes to home and then drive 30 minutes to her hometown for dinner on a donut. I had to cancel.
She rightfully seemed upset and skeptical. I tried rescheduling but she ignored me — can’t blame her. The next girl I took on a date ended up being my wife, so I guess everything worked out.
4. Does He Listen to You?
Everybody loves talking about themselves — it’s human nature, especially when nervous. And let’s be honest, what dates aren’t a little nerve-racking? But regardless, keep your red flag sensors perked.
Does he ever ask about you or your story? Or does he only talk about himself?
When you tell him something about your life, does he dig deeper into your remark, or does he immediately refer back to his own life?
Girl: I used to play softball! I loved it but haven’t had the time to play in a while…
Guy (if he’s a jerk): Oh, cool. I used to play baseball and was awesome at it. Our team won so many championships back in the day.
Guy (if he’s not a jerk): Oh, that’s awesome! Why don’t you have time for it anymore?
Notice how the jerk immediately turned the attention towards himself, while the other guy kept digging further.
A couple of instances of this are OK and shouldn’t be cause to label him as a jerk. Sometimes, us dudes are just really excited about something. But if the trend continues and you find him continuing to talk about himself, then you should be cautious.
5. Does He Flicker In and Out?
It’s pretty common at the start of dating someone new for both parties to still be “talking” to other people. But that’s no excuse for a guy to flicker in and out of your life while the process plays itself out, making you feel insecure and unsure of the situation.
A good guy would treat you, the woman, with respect and understand that it’s not OK to go on a few dates with someone — that supposedly went well — and then disappear for a couple weeks, only to reappear eager for another go.
Usually, this is a sign that he’s not THAT into you and is still feeling out his other, more preferred options. But whatever the case, don’t wait around hoping for the jerk to change his mind. Probably best to let him go.
6. Is He a Know-It-All?
Being smart is one thing, but being smart and constantly shoving it down others’ throats is another.
Usually someone who feels the need to flaunt his “know-it-all’ness” is hiding some deeper issues and insecurities. This can cause him to act like a jerk, which is really just an attempt to make you or others feel less intelligent to boost his own self-esteem.
Again, the theme here is to watch for a repeat offender, not singularities.
7. The Money-Talker
For any self-respecting woman, this should be an immediate red flag. Sadly, I think many women just don’t care. That, or a sugar daddy is what they’re going for.
There’s nothing wrong with being well-off and confident, but flaunting your money on a first date, or ever, isn’t a quality many “good” guys possess.
If he brags about how much money he has or makes, it’s an issue, and it’s likely that he doesn’t have much else going for him.
I get it — financial security is important to most women, heck, everyone. But if you’re looking to pick a jerk out of a haystack, this is likely a major indicator.
It’s totally cool to have someone spend money and to spoil you. Let me put that out there. What’s not OK is if he points out to you, “Hey babe, this car cost $100,000, there’s no way I’d let you drive it!”
To recap: If he has money, awesome. If he brags about it, there’s a good chance he’s a jerk. As a side note, this also works for what he’s packing in his pants.
8. How Does He Treat His Mom?
This one might be tough to detect at first since he likely won’t bring his mom into the mix for a while, but when the situation arises, pay attention to how he treats her.
- On the phone
- In person
- Or how he talks about her
If his relationship with his mom is poor, it’s a red flag. This is a woman who raised him and took care of him for at least the first 18 years of his life. If he’s willing to treat her like crap, then who’s to say how he’ll eventually treat you?
This is assuming of course that his mom actually raised him and cared for him. I understand many people don’t have this type of relationship with their mother, but if that’s the case, be honest about it and call it what it is — there’s no reason to continually bash her at this point.
Emotionally stable people usually don’t mind talking about issues like that. It might make them feel uncomfortable, but they’ve already dealt with it.
Just like the waiter, if he treats his mom like shit, there’s a good chance you’re next.
9. How Does He Treat You at Parties or When He Introduces You to New People?
This is a fun one. Undoubtedly, there will be times when a guy invites you out to meet his friends or to a party where you don’t know anyone.
Pay attention to how he handles the situation. Does he introduce you and then let you fend for yourself? Or does he stick with you and make sure you’re comfortable throughout the night?
He should be actively looking for ways to involve you in conversations and make you feel at-ease. No girl likes to feel left out while her date reminisces with his buddies about “the good, old days”.
Trust me, it sucks and feels very alienating.
Jerks will do this to you. Good guys won’t. And if they do, they’ll catch on quickly and make things right.
10. What’s He Like in the Bedroom?
You’ve been waiting the whole time for this one, haven’t you?
Yes, it’s usually true — how he acts in the bedroom will tell you a lot about his level of jerk-ness.
Does he care about your needs first? Or is he only worried about getting his nut and calling it a night? This is an important quality in a man not to overlook. It’s the difference between a jerk and someone who actively cares about your well-being.
I personally believe that getting a woman off, especially one that I care about, is the best feeling in the world. Why wouldn’t any guy want that feeling?
Anyways, make sure you get yours, bonus points if it’s first. If not, raise that red flag.
11. The Manipulator
Last but not least, you can tell if a guy is a jerk by the way he tries to manipulate you. Keep your eyes open for this one because it usually blindsides most women.
If you are repeatedly asked to do things you don’t want to do, but you think you need to in order to keep him happy or around, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with a manipulator. A telltale sign of a manipulator is someone who always needs to have his way — aka he’s a big, fucking jerk.
Saying “no” not just to sex, but to other things is important while dating someone and life in general. A good guy will respect your decision. A jerk will continue to impose his will on you. And if you let him, he will continue to do so.
If at all possible, catch this one early so you don’t end up asking “how did I get here?”
The key is to pay attention to how he responds to your “no’s” or objections. Does he yield and respect your decision, or is he persistent and controlling?
Wrapping This One Up
I hardly expected this to become a behemoth 2,300 word+ article. But I guess I have a lot to say about jerks. Detecting jerks is something I’ve become quite familiar with in my adult years of life, so hopefully this advice can help some others.
If it saves one girl — or boy, or whatever — from falling in love with a jerk, then I’ll have considered this a success.
I honestly wish I could have listed about 30 more things, but for brevity’s sake, I narrowed the list down to these 11 most important.
I’m curious, what are some other ways that you’ve found to help detect jerks?
Art Credit: Amelia Beamish
For the all the ladies out there who discovered that the men they adored were two-timers, lushes, liars, cheap, slobs, emotionally unavailable, or unable to hold a coherent conversation during Monday Night Football – it’s time to put all that behind you and start fresh. Are you ready? Here are five ways to spot a jerk. These rules may not be easy– but neither are broken hearts. So take a deep breath and decide to do the hard work up front so that you can move forward with confidence.
1. TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE ACCELERATOR!
Don’t begin your relationships like the Indy 500. Even if his texts are sweet and your time together is even sweeter, keep your head and heart working together by not committing to a guy before you know his story. The passion may be there, but still follow a simple 90-day probation period. Why? Because, it is normal in a new relationship to put your best foot forward. So there needs to be a cooling down time for real character traits to surface. Patterns are behaviors that repeat over time, so more time is needed before significant, personal patterns are detectable.
During this probation period ask some big-time questions:
What is his relationship track record?
How has he treated previous girlfriends?
Have you met his friends – girls and guys? Does he have any? Is he hiding any?
What is his job? Are you allowed to call him there?
Have you met his family?
Is he forgiving? With you? With his family?
Is he consistent in his conscientiousness? Even with the waiter?
Get to know him and his story first, and be honest about what you discover. Find out if he’s worth the commitment, or not worth the time involved to get another broken heart. If you take off in just first gear, you can almost always avoid a crash and burn.
2. RAISE YOUR STANDARDS.
Clearly define your ideals and make sure that they are realistic. Write a description of your perfect guy and your ideal relationship. Let it marinate for a while and then re-read it. Is it realistic? Are you looking for a man or a fantasy? Ask a respected and trusted friend to read it and give you some feedback. Typically, those closest to you often pick up on your relationship mistakes long before you do. Your friends and family are not usually blinded by love and have a much clearer perspective of how your partner measures up.
3. THE GOOD DOESN’T ALWAYS LAST, BUT THE BAD USUALLY GETS WORSE.
If he “forgot his wallet” at the movies last night, will he cheap out on the mortgage after 10 years of marriage? If you can’t talk to him now, how much worse will your communication be six months from now? If he looks at other girls when he is with you, how will you ever be able to trust him when he is alone? Look closely at positives and negatives – and don’t count on the good staying good… but know that the bad will almost always get worse!
Pay special attention to how conflicts are resolved and how he responds to concerns you have about him or your relationship. Do you find that when you bring something up you don’t really get anywhere in trying to talk it out? Do you drop the conversation because he gets too angry, devastated, or withdraws? It is essential that you learn to lovingly “hurt him” when you need to be honest. Be careful of the crazy cycle where you are repeatedly rationalizing, minimizing, and overlooking aspects of your partner that are unacceptable to you.
4. FIND HIS TRUE NORTH
What’s your guy’s moral compass and personal code? It takes a bit of digging to determine the strength of his moral fiber:
Maybe he tells little white lies, and maybe he also secretly thinks it’s okay to tell big ones?
Is he dependable?
Will he call when he says he will?
Does he bring you flowers when you deserve celebrating and chicken soup when you feel lousy?
Is he consistently inconsistent about his moods, his needs, and his relationship to you?
Will he put you first and himself second?
Figure this out and you then know what he is really made of.
5. GET IT TOGETHER.
The last rule is actually the first; step back and take inventory of your past mistakes or regrettable relationships. Look for the themes in your past relationships – what you liked and didn’t like, your blind spots and your hooks. Look at the common negative characteristics between your partners and determine why you put up with them or why you were attracted to them in the first place.
Don’t forget to do the work to get your own act together. This doesn’t guarantee that you will make a good choice of a partner, but when you have unresolved personal issues they almost always hinder your ability to make healthy relationships.
Maybe your code needs working on too, or maybe you need to feel good about yourself. Make yourself stronger and happier, whatever it takes – therapy, workouts, journaling, yoga, girl’s nights out, classes, a career, a degree, a marathon – whatever the answer is to YOUR happiness, go find it!
Remember, it’s not just about making someone else happy – it’s your life and your heart. Treat yourself well!
(Photo by Amelia Beamish)
Dr. John Van Epp
Dr.Van Epp, conducts seminars and workshops worldwide on marriage and relationships. His new book, How To Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk, is available for order on his website, www.lovethinks.com, or in leading bookstores. Dr. Van Epp was recently chosen as one of AOL’s Love & Sex Coaches. Visit his AOL Coach Site for online interviews and dating information.
10 ways to spot a jerk | The Wichita Eagle
Here are 10 ways to spot a jerk, so you don’t waste your precious time.
No. 1: A jerk’s actions don’t match his words. A good guy will always follow through on what he tells you. When he can’t, he’ll let you know and won’t leave you trying to figure out what happened. If he’s not doing this, he’s not worthy of dating you.
No. 2: A jerk disappears then comes back then disappears again. This is a man hunting for what I call Shiny Penny Syndrome. He’s looking for someone who he perceives might be a better fit than you are. What makes him a jerk is that when it doesn’t work out, he comes back to you until he finds his next conquest.
No. 3: A jerk is a narcissist who wants his way in every situation. He’ll manipulate you into doing what he wants to do even when you say NO. When you give in, you end up feeling like you betrayed yourself. A good guy will honor your no’s.
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No. 4: A jerk treats service people poorly. If he takes you to his favorite restaurant and his meal shows up wrong, he’ll blast the poor waiter with his anger. This guy often displays road rage as well. A good guy knows things can go awry and gives someone a chance to correct it.
No. 5: A jerk takes you to a party and leaves you at the door to fend for yourself. A good guy will introduce you to the people he knows in the room and will make sure you’re taken care of with food, drinks and people to talk to.
No. 6: A jerk only cares about having his needs met. Your needs fall far below his on the priority list. A good guy is into pleasing you and making you happy. If he’s not, let him go.
No. 7: A jerk is usually passive aggressive. If you’re trying to work an issue out, he’ll act like everything is OK. Get with other people and he bad-mouths your decision, looking for confirmation from others that he’s right. A good guy will work issues out with you and even if he disagrees with the final decision, he will keep it to himself.
No. 8: A jerk asks you for a date but doesn’t call to confirm whether it’s happening. You end up calling him and he holds your life up telling you he’s not sure how long his meeting is going to be. A good guy will make sure you have the details for your date, including the time, place and when he’ll pick you up. Then he shows up or calls to let you know he’s running late – not the other way around.
No. 9: A jerk makes all the decisions for both of you, thinking he knows what’s best for you. No one knows you better than you and a good guy will make sure your feelings and thoughts are part of the decision process.
No. 10: A jerk doesn’t make sure you feel emotionally, physically or spiritually safe. You may feel financially safe with him but that’s not enough. He’ll be the one criticizing what you wear or how you do things. A good guy may offer constructive criticism but does it in a loving way that encourages your personal growth.