- 10 Reasons Why Strong Women Seem To Attract Weak Men
- 1. What women find sexy in a partner isn’t what men find sexy in a partner.
- 2. People may have a different idea of what strength is.
- 3. A lot of strong men want someone they can care for, and many strong women just don’t give off that vibe.
- 4. Strong women also tend to be a lot more guarded.
- 5. There’s more reason for a weak man to want a strong woman.
- 6. Similarly, there’s also less reason for men of all types to want a highly independent woman.
- 7. That being said, strong women often do attract strong men, but they also attract way more weak men.
- 8. Weak men also tend to make themselves more known when they’re pursuing a girl than strong men do.
- 9. Being heavily desired as a woman tends to make you lose “sensitivity” when it comes to flirting.
- 10. Overall, there are a lot of factors that make it difficult for strong, successful ladies to find a spouse.
- 1) They’re intimidating
- 2) They thrive on their own independence
- 3) They sniff jerks from a mile away
- 4) She’ll call out your BS
- Related posts (article continues below)
- Related post (article continues below)
- 6) They’re picky
- 7) They’re passionate and intense
- 8) They’re way more emotionally mature than others
- 9) They’re searching for that deep love
- You may also like reading:
- Sign up to Hack Spirit’s daily emails
- 9 Legit Reasons You’re Attracted To Losers
- Women Can’t Help But Love Emotional Chaos
- It’s A Deeply-Rooted Security and Society Conditioning
- Don’t Be That Weak Beta Male
- A Strong Woman Will Always Be Too Much For A Weak Man
- To the Strong Woman That Keeps Falling for Weak Men
- Myths and misses: five more things you didn’t know about women and men
- This is me letting you go
- Lindsey & Tiger: Why Strong Women Date Weak Men
10 Reasons Why Strong Women Seem To Attract Weak Men
It’s not just you.
If there’s one dating trope that regularly seems to be found in day-to-day life, it’s the trope of strong women who attract weak men. We’ve all seen gorgeous, smart, successful ladies who never seem to find guys who are anywhere near their caliber.
For one reason or another, it seems like the best women out there often inexplicably end up with abusers, cheaters, and losers. You might even have noticed someone who fits that bill that just decided to give up dating.
Ever wonder why strong women always seem to struggle so much when finding healthy relationships? From what I’ve gathered, it’s a mix of things.
Speaking as someone who’s taken years to ask the same question, I actually found a number of reasons why this happens.
1. What women find sexy in a partner isn’t what men find sexy in a partner.
It sucks to realize this, but it’s true. When finding a spouse, most men do not really care about the traits of strength and success women do.
In women’s eyes, a sparkling career and a lively social life are signs of strength and stability. For guys, well… they may be impressive feats, sure, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll want to date a girl because of that, unless they’re doing so for ulterior motives.
2. People may have a different idea of what strength is.
One of the most baffling things that men do is heap praise on a girl that, at first glance, might not strike you as strong. But you need to think like a guy to understand it.
There’s strength in individuality, strength in independence, being able to boast a great career, and much, much more. All of these are valid, but the truth is that strength is in the eye of the beholder.
Most women see independence and a “no bullsh*t” attitude as strong; men, on the other hand, may find caring to be a stronger feat than others. This often is why men will call a girl you might think of as weak as “inspirational” to him.
3. A lot of strong men want someone they can care for, and many strong women just don’t give off that vibe.
Call it a side effect of being a #BossB*tch, or whatever, but many women who are proud of being strong often have an unapproachable vibe. Sadly, this tends to drive away strong men who would mesh well with them, if they gave them a chance.
4. Strong women also tend to be a lot more guarded.
This is partly because of how badly they tend to get burned by love, and how hard it is to actually be strong enough to handle a relationship these days. Unfortunately, if you’re no longer able to open yourself to love in a healthy way, there’s not much chance of romantic success.
5. There’s more reason for a weak man to want a strong woman.
Weak men are often are looking for one of three things: a sugar mama, a trophy, or someone that they can control. The reason why weak men want someone to control, particularly a strong woman, is because that’s the only way some of them will feel big.
The reason why they’d want a strong woman as a trophy is because they’re hoping other people will see them as strong because of who they’re dating. And I need not explain why weak men would want a sugar mama.
6. Similarly, there’s also less reason for men of all types to want a highly independent woman.
Men don’t want to be wanted, per se. They want to be needed. Unfortunately, a lot of women who are the “strong, successful, independent” types do not really need a man, but desperately want one. Sadly, that vibe is not one that men tend to jive with, and it shows.
7. That being said, strong women often do attract strong men, but they also attract way more weak men.
The funny thing is that most emotionally strong women also have other traits that make them attractive to all men. But there’s a lot more weak men out there than strong men.
8. Weak men also tend to make themselves more known when they’re pursuing a girl than strong men do.
There’s an old saying that says that any man who must declare that he’s king, isn’t one at all. This saying basically says that, the louder a person is about something, the less you should have faith in them.
My personal observation has been that the weakest, most insecure men are often the most aggressive when it comes to pursuing a girl, as well as the loudest when it comes to talking about why they’re awesome. With all the racket they make, it’s not surprising that they may be overshadowing the genuinely strong people interested in strong ladies.
9. Being heavily desired as a woman tends to make you lose “sensitivity” when it comes to flirting.
I usually can’t tell that a man is flirting with me unless he makes an entire production about it. It just doesn’t register, even if a guy is checking me out. So, part of the issue may be that strong women just don’t notice the good men around them.
10. Overall, there are a lot of factors that make it difficult for strong, successful ladies to find a spouse.
It’s a mixed bag, but the truth is that being strong is something that makes you a better person. One thing you do need to realize, though, is that it’s not your fault. There’s no shortcomings on your end; it’s an innate issue with what men want.
Speaking as someone who’s been there, I ask that you don’t lower your standards in hopes that you’ll end up with a ring on your finger. Though it can be frustrating at times, don’t give in and date a weak man.
It’s often better to be alone than it is to be with someone that feeds off your strength. In time, someone right will come around or you’ll just experience a great life solo. Either way, it’s not as big a deal as people make it out to be.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she’s not writing, she’s drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her @bluntandwitty on Twitter.
Sure, most mature guys want to date a strong woman. Her authenticity, independence, and forthrightness are what men desire.
The problem? Most men simply can’t handle her.
For these 9 reasons:
1) They’re intimidating
Most men can’t approach intimidating women without losing confidence.
And if they do muster up the courage to approach, they struggle in the conversation because they can’t handle her intellect and ability to think for herself.
She won’t fall for your ‘routines’ that works on other girls.
The truth is, a strong woman hasn’t got time for games or fake smiling. She is who she is and she won’t make apologies.
2) They thrive on their own independence
Thanks to evolution, men have this inbuilt instinct to be the protector of women. It plays to their ego and makes them feel like a real man.
But a strong woman doesn’t “need’ a guy to look after her. She has her own life on lock.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want cuddles or help. She just needs to do things her own way, which can damage a guy’s self-esteem.
3) They sniff jerks from a mile away
If your intentions aren’t pure, she’ll sniff your shit from a mile away and kick your advances to the curb.
She’s not a sex object. She’s not fuel for your broken ego to repair itself.
She’s a human being and she demands respect. Jerks simply don’t have a chance.
4) She’ll call out your BS
Let’s be honest, most guys spit some bullshit when they’re trying to pick up a woman. After all, they’ve gone through too many rejections to just “be themselves”.
Fair enough, but this won’t stand in a strong woman’s eyes. She wants a genuine guy that operates under no false pretenses.
Related posts (article continues below)
Most guys develop routines when they’re trying to pick women. They’ll say the same jokes and stories that worked the last time they were successful.
But this won’t work on a strong woman.
Related post (article continues below)
They value kindness, respect and authenticity. They don’t care how “cool” society thinks you are.
6) They’re picky
A strong woman knows her worth and will only choose a man that adds to her life. She won’t fall to societal pressure on what type of man she “should” be with.
Her life is great as it is, so it’s going to take a pretty special man to make it better.
7) They’re passionate and intense
Men love to be in control. But the passion a strong women possesses means they’re going to struggle to keep a handle on her.
Strong women know exactly what they want in life and they won’t buckle to any kind of pressure from outside forces.
A man has two choices. Get on board with what she’s passionate about, or move the hell away.’
If you’re able to get on board with what she’s about, then she’ll be totally into you.
8) They’re way more emotionally mature than others
She’s got a handle on her emotions and she knows how to control them. If she thinks you’re a bad guy, she’ll put a stop to her lustful feelings and label you as rubbish.
True love is rare and she knows it only comes around every so often.
9) They’re searching for that deep love
Yes, they can be intimidating because of their strong personalities, but they will always love deeply.
They’re searching for that special connection that makes their heart flourish. The problem? Most men aren’t comfortable with going that deep.
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9 Legit Reasons You’re Attracted To Losers
Everyone has that friend, the one who dates guys that leave the rest of you scratching your heads. He’s clearly not good enough for her, so why the hell would she even look at him? If you don’t have that friend, watch it — she might be you! Don’t be in denial about it. There are a million reasons why you (and almost every other woman in the world) sometimes fall for a loser.
His life may be a mess, but he’s just so damn cute, isn’t he? You’re a sucker for his self-deprecating attitude and laid-back stoner vibe. He may not have much going for him, but he sure is a good time. Also, he’s always swearing that he’s trying to do better and up his game. Funny how there’s never any concrete evidence of it.
They think you’re a catch.
Well, obviously, because you are. Still, it feels good when a guy is constantly singing your praises. No girl hates receiving constant compliments. Of course he respects your ambition and applauds your success – he desperately needs a sugar mama! Don’t forget that part of the equation.
It makes you feel good about yourself.
Admit it — it’s difficult dating a guy who has his act together on a higher level than you do. It constantly forces you to reexamine your choices and your place in life. Are you content and satisfied with everything, or do you need to push yourself to do better? With a loser, you aren’t required to make any tough self-observations. You can simply feel good about yourself in comparison to him.
You have low self-esteem.
You date losers because you truly, honestly, don’t believe that you can do better. If you don’t think the guys you really like will even glance your direction, guess what? They won’t. No one is attracted to low self-worth. The problem is, it’s one thing to know this and quite another to fix it. You’re going to have to do a lot of work before you get what you want.
You have a savior complex.
He needs a mommy. Ta-da! There you are, ready and waiting to turn him into an improved specimen. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. He’ll resent you for not accepting him the way he is, and you’ll resent him for not becoming a better man because he cares about you. You can bend over backwards trying to rescue this guy, but the only person who can save him is… him.
You create imaginary potential in him.
Instead of accepting the guy the way he is, you see what he could someday be. Dating someone based on what you hope and wish he will become does not work! Don’t do it! You’re settling and telling yourself some fairy tale about how it’ll all be better in the future. Be realistic. Find the man you want for who he is right now.
You like feeling needed.
The scary thing about a mature, grown-up, confident man is that he won’t rely on you the way you think he should. He’s not the problem. Your deluded, insecure perception of what a relationship should be is the problem. If you want someone who depends on you for everything, there’s some twisted stuff going on below the surface. Figure it out so you can break the co-dependency pattern.
You don’t have to compete with other girls.
No one else wants your man. This is convenient, for sure, but doesn’t it make you wonder why? He has nothing going for him. It doesn’t make you a genius to date him just because you can be sure you won’t have any competition. There’s a reason for that, and if you’re dating the right guy, you’ll never have any competition no matter how many other girls are interested.
You can control the situation.
When you have the money, the good job, the car, the ambition – well, you hold the reins. He doesn’t have much choice but to go along with what you want to do. When you do ask him for something, he better damn well give it to you. You feel powerful. Isn’t there a bit of emptiness in this dominance, though? Don’t waste your time with a guy you don’t respect or regard as a real man. It’s so much better to be with someone you can look in the eye as an equal.
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Amy Horton A former actress who has always loved the art of the written word, Amy is excited to be here sharing her stories! She hopes that they resonate with you or at the very least make you chuckle a bit. She just completed her first novel, and is also a contributor for Elite Daily, Dirty & Thirty, and The Indie Chicks.
One of the most common questions I get is this:
Why is it that women (especially young women) choose to date these awful, deadbeat losers instead of successful, hard-working, stable guys?
It all comes down to the way women are with their emotions.
And, in this social media age we live in, the deadbeat loser can really spike a woman’s emotions to obscene levels.
You see, guys who are generally successful and busy in their lives don’t really waste time on social media.
The deadbeat loser?
He LOVES social media. He has a ton of time to spare because his job is a joke (or he’s jobless).
Since women are emotionally-driven, always in search of emotional “highs”, they flock towards these losers for the simple fact that he makes her “feel good” in certain moments.
He makes sure that his Instagram stories are only videos of him hanging with the bros, partying, being loud, cruising around at 1pm when everyone else is working, etc.
Women Can’t Help But Love Emotional Chaos
The deadbeat has many surface-level qualities that women enjoy being a part of. It’s the “best” side of the deadbeat that draws the women in.
It’s like a reality tv show starring Mr. Deadbeat.
Instagram stories give all these losers their own reality show. It’s fascinating to women. They eat this stuff up!
Often times, these deadbeat losers will get a girlfriend solely through his “he’s so fun and always doing something!” vibe.
He’ll “wow” her for just enough time until she “falls” in “love” with him (it’s not actual love as I’ll explain later).
Once she’s in deep with Mr. Deadbeat, she soon realizes that he’s a total loser and isn’t really going anywhere in his life.
But, because he’s got that emotional energy that she loves, she believes that she can “change” or “help” him to reach his potential.
This is when she begins to invest her time and energy into making him a better person.
As I’ve been teaching for years, the more you invest your time into someone, the harder it is to leave said person.
Mr. Deadbeat will make a little effort here and there to “show” that he’s making “progress,” but he always ends up back to the same dude.
(Actually, he gets worse year after year. Every year that goes by, he becomes more and more of a loser. A guy that isn’t going anywhere is a guy who’s failing at life).
This is a topic that drives men who have difficulty attracting women and getting into relationships crazy. Most men can’t stand the deadbeats because they keep getting girlfriends while you slave away at your job struggling to find a date.
It’s a tough thing to deal with as a man. How can you stand out to these women when you’re busy working and making a living with no time to post stories all day and party 6 nights per week?
The answer is you can’t! You objectively can’t compete against these guys. They will beat you and get the girl 99% of the time.
That’s just the way it is and you simply need to accept it.
I’ve spoken to a lot of women over the years who have told me about the deadbeat losers they dated in their 20’s.
The 20’s is where women go through their “deadbeat” phase.
A woman is young and inexperienced when it comes to men. The deadbeat loser provides her with all of these great emotions that successful, busy guys can’t really provide (because they’re too busy making money and building stability to give her these things).
What a woman believes is “true love” is actually her first glimpse of a deep insecurity to care for a lost man who needs to find his way (it’s tragic).
Is there any good news in all this?
Why, of course!
I have also known many women who never even once thought of wasting a breath on a deadbeat loser.
These are the types of women I like to keep as actual genuine friends in my life, and it’s exactly the type of relationship I teach you to get in my Relationship Academy.
Sure, I miss out on hooking up with a lot of young, attractive, silly women because of this (been there, done that).
But, I absolutely love having social circles full of successful, smart women with great heads on their shoulders.
I encourage you to do the same and build your own circles of quality women. Befriend both men and women in this process.
What you need to understand is that the women who choose the deadbeat loser over you are doing so because she is subconsciously scared of your success.
These women mistake success and stability as being “boring.” She fears that she’ll have a “boring” life if she “settles” for you.
She has this fear that nobody else can provide the same emotional highs as her deadbeat loser. Out of fear, she sticks with him.
It’s A Deeply-Rooted Security and Society Conditioning
Only a deep insecurity and bullshit mental programming would convince a woman that dating a normal, stable man is “boring” and lame.
Society LOVES for women to go after the wild, crazy, deadbeat guys. After all, she gets to experience the Kim Kardashian reality tv life, right?
It’s truly sad the state of society we are in.
These mentally damaged women (usually BPD related) are stuck in a fantasy that they mistake for “true love.” They really do feel that if they spend a few years with this “exciting” loser, they can pull him up to be better.
She believes that after a little bit of time, she can fix his flaws and help him be the “perfect” man — in other words, mommy him to the point where he “grows up” and can take care of himself and a family.
Of course, the reality is these guys are losers so they only get worse over time — they never get better. And, they drag her down with him.
As I said, it’s a tragic fantasy in the minds of these (usually hot, attractive, borderline) women. Thanks Hollywood!
Usually when a woman figures this out, it’s a bit too late and all the healthy, successful guys have moved on to better women. Her selection of mate drastically drops.
There will be plenty of weak, timid beta males that will support her and deal with her toxic bullshit, but all the quality, confident men want nothing to do with her.
Don’t Be That Weak Beta Male
Ultimately, if a woman is choosing a deadbeat loser over you, it’s FATE telling you that it wouldn’t have ever worked out in the first place.
Afterall, you deserve a woman who doesn’t chase emotional highs nor deeply-rooted mommy fantasies. You can take care of yourself.
Many men experience a toxic relationship when they date these types of women. Why? Because you’re not a deadbeat. She can’t mommy you and build you up.
Therefore, this type of woman falls into emotional lows and lashes out at you. She can’t help it. It’s in her nature to date and support deadbeats, and that isn’t you.
You deserve a woman who craves success and stability just as you do.
These women are rare these days due to societal conditioning, but they ARE out there. You just have to look a little bit harder and meet a lot of men and women. You will end up finding these women through various social circles.
So, don’t get jealous of these deadbeat losers when you see them with some hotty.
Just remind yourself of the golden rule: you attract what you project.
That pretty girl you see with the loser? She’s actually a loser as well, and soon enough she’ll be crying against the wall hating herself for wasting so much precious time with a deadbeat.
It’s true insecurity at the end of the day.
Don’t feel bad that the “young hotty” is choosing Mr. Douche Canoe over you. That relationship is doomed to fail and she’s going to be in a lot of pain from it. Watch as she ages rapidly over the next 2 years. It’s amazingly sad.
And no, you can’t “save” these women from deadbeats.
Remember, she WANTS to be with him and fulfill her codependent caretaking fantasy.
Only reality can save her, and it won’t be pretty. It’s best you move out of the way and let life take it’s course while you move on to better pastures.
I have a blast talking about this topic, as well as many others, in my coaching podcasts and courses.
My latest podcasts have been about how to be a good, genuine man while still fun and attractive.
This is exactly what the worthy, quality women are looking for these days.
Saddle up and ride on over to my Relationship Academy to get instant access to all my courses and training programs.
P.S. It’s really important that you work on not feeling like a lesser person when a woman rejects you for a deadbeat. She’s actually rejecting herself from reality because she believes in fantasy. She would rather stick with the deadbeat due to insecurity and false sense of control over him instead of dating a guy like you who has his shit together.
The thought of dating a guy who has his shit together is very frightening for the insecure woman. She knows she can’t control you, can’t mother you, can’t play out her fantasy of “fixing the guy”, etc. The only thing she can do to you is manipulate you and try to tear you down (which she will if you date these women).
So, this type of woman is actually best off with the deadbeat loser. How can she tear down a loser? She can’t. So, she plays mommy and invests her energy to change him. But, it never works. It’s a huge insecurity that can cause her to end up divorced with 2 kids and alone. Very sad, but very common.
Hope you’ve enjoyed this message. It’s not often I drop big pieces like this. Be the best man that you can be. That’s all you can ask of yourself. In the end, you win. And that’s a great thing to realize.
My incredibly talented cousin and writer, Marnie Mitchell-Lister, wrote this and I think it’s worth a discussion.
*A note from Anne Dennish: Please note that this article was written in the context of men and women, yet it is meant for all relationships.
I can speak from experience about this subject, and from the heartache it causes.
I’ve been told I’m a “strong” woman, which I would say is true. I’ve handled divorce, raised five children, survived breast cancer and handled a million other responsibilities at one time. Although to me, being a strong woman is much more than what you handle; it’s HOW you handle it. And I’ve never NEEDED a man in my life to handle any of it for me, but I had always WANTED a confident man in my life.
A few years ago I started asking men of all ages this question: do you want a relationship with a strong woman or a weak woman? While their responses may have been slightly different, the answers were all the same.
They told me that as far as dating, they want a “weak” woman because she makes him feel important; she makes him feel needed; she feeds his ego to levels beyond belief; and that it makes them feel more powerful and stronger to know that a weak woman is in their “control.”
In other words, weak women turned them into strong men.
Yet strangely, there was another piece to their answers. They said that while a “weak” woman was great for their ego and self-esteem, in the end they wanted to settle down with a “strong” woman. One who didn’t “need” them but “wanted” them; one that wasn’t always whining and asking them to do everything for them; one who challenged them and made them want to be a better man.
Confused? I sure was at the time, but it all made sense.
A confident man doesn’t need a “weak” woman; they need a “strong” one to keep them in balance. After a terrible day at work they want to come home to a woman who understands and makes their night better than their day (a weak woman would expect them to do that for them); they want a woman who can have a conversation with them that isn’t all about them (a weak woman would sit with gazing eyes at them, hanging on every word as they talked about themselves and not her); they want a woman with a life of her own, a passion, a career, a life purpose that they can share in(a weak woman has none of that except for him).
A confident man wants to be called out and held accountable by a strong woman, because they know they’ll be honest enough to do it (a weak woman will tell the man that he’s perfect); they want a woman will engage with him on occasion in meaningful conversation (a weak woman has nothing important to say); and he wants a woman who knows what love is, knows her truth, and doesn’t settle for less than she deserves (a weak woman will take whatever she can get.)
A confident man knows how to treat a strong woman; he knows her worth and value; he knows her heart, mind and soul; he takes the time to listen to her and understand; he’s sure to always let her know how important she is to him.
A confident man knows that if he stops paying attention to a strong woman she’ll find someone else. After all, if you’re not paying attention to the one you love, most assuredly someone else will. While you’re making her feel invisible by ignoring what a wonderful woman she is, someone else will see her and put her on a pedestal.
A confident man will know that he’s blessed and lucky to have a strong woman loving him, supporting him, and caring for him. He’ll know that he can always count on her, no matter what. He’ll always let her know how important she is; how loved she is, and how “wanted” she is.
A confident man won’t “need” a strong woman; he’ll “want” one, at least if he’s smart he will.
Healthy relationships aren’t based on boosting each others’ egos or self-esteem; they aren’t built on the other person making us happy; and they aren’t based on being controlled by another.
Healthy relationships are built on two strong people who love each other and know how blessed they are to have one another. They are sustained on feeling gratitude for each other on a daily basis. They are kept moving forward by keeping the love alive.
Yes, it was an interesting response of answers I received from men, young and old, but I guess in the grand scheme of settling into a long term relationship or a marriage that will last a lifetime, the song remains the same: the confident man wants a strong woman.
And the strong woman wants a confident man.
“A confident man not only understands that, he realizes how incredibly special that actually is.” ~Marnie Mitchell-Lister~
Wishing you love and light,
A Strong Woman Will Always Be Too Much For A Weak Man
Men always claim to want a strong woman. They want a woman that’s confident, independent, not afraid to speak her mind. Men say this until they actually have a woman like this.
I consider myself a strong woman. Sure, I have my down moments, don’t we all? But I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know how to get there. I’m also not willing to give any of it up for a man.
I’m not afraid to speak my mind, to say when you’ve pissed me off, when I feel like you’ve done me wrong.
I’m not afraid to say when something bothers me, but I also say why it bothers me. I’m not complete nonsense.
But lately, I’ve been seeing a trend with guys not only I’ve dated, but my friends as well. I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect my significant other to be either. But when I am passionate about something, that fire burns strong, so strong, it apparently scares people.
See, I know what I want in my life, and I’m not willing to settle. If something pushes my plan aside and gives me a detour, I get pissed, plain and simple. I mean, who likes a difficult life? But, apparently, this is too much for some small-minded people.
Strong women intimidate weak men. I mean it.
Weak men don’t like feeling like their less powerful than their partner. I shouldn’t say they don’t like it; they’re intimidated by it. They’re in the typical mindset of they should have control of the relationship, be the powerful one. Well, a strong man will share the power, he’ll understand that the King and Queen rule the castle, and a King without his Queen is powerless.
A real man will support his woman, he’ll understand her frustration and support her through it. But, if you get in her way, I wouldn’t want to be you.
Ladies, until you find a man that supports your power, admires your confidence and is so turned on by your strength that he can’t contain it, never settle. Never settle for less than you deserve. Unless it is passionate and extraordinary love, it’s not worth it.
Until then, build your empire, Queen.
To the Strong Woman That Keeps Falling for Weak Men
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Being a woman, in general, is hard, but being a strong woman is even harder.
A strong woman has experienced heartache in the deepest of ways, and no one will ever know.
Because she gets dressed every morning in her best attire. In clothes that don’t have to hug every curve because she is confident in her overall beauty.
She knows she can command respect and admiration just by being herself.
She does her hair just how she likes it, she either gets it done on schedule every few weeks, or she struts out into the world with whatever style she is confident in.
She is poised and ready to tackle each day with newness and determination.
Throughout the day, she laughs and speaks to people with respect and attentiveness.
However, most times she is often overlooked, and not seen as strong at all because regardless of what is going on, on the outside, she remains the same.
She is constantly asked for her advice, or her support, all the while never asking for any herself, and no one thinks she needs it.
Men pay her attention, sure, she’s used to the simple compliments and the invitations that only have one kind of ending. She never chases or pursues, she simply lives and what comes, comes. She’s used to saying no because it’s easy to say no to the same type of man. She always says no until one decides to be different.
A woman is like a tea bag – you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. -Eleanor Roosevelt
This one man could say something she’s never heard before or something she has but in a genuine way.
He could simply make her feel noticed, make her feel needed and she’ll give him a chance.
But this man may have insecurities that don’t come to light until she falls for him.
This strong woman now bears the overwhelming insecurities of both herself and her man.
If she loves him, she may let him sleep on her couch while he looks for a job, or drive him to work or school.
Because this man- this man is different, and she knows he’ll give it all back to her ten times over. She believes she deserves it and she believes in him.
Until he doesn’t.
Fast forward a year later, and he’s nothing like what she thought, and she finds herself being taken advantage of by the person that she thought really understood her needs.
Many women find themselves in this position or one similar, every day.
Many successful women draw in men that may be at a successful point in their lives as well, or using temporary success as a hook, to pull strong women out of the water.
Often times, these men can make women feel insecure about their success and overall strength.
There was a study conducted called ‘Gender Differences in Implicit Self-Esteem Following a Romantic Partner’s Success or Failure’ which tries to provide insight on why a woman’s success can sometimes harm their relationships.
“When asked to make predictions about the future of the relationship, these were pushed in opposite directions for men and women. When women thought about a time that their partner succeeded, there was a trend in the direction of being more optimistic, than when they thought about a time that their companion failed. On the other hand, when men thought about a time that their partner succeeded, there was a trend in the direction of being less optimistic about the future of the relationship, than when they thought about when their companion failed.” (Quoted from PsychologyToday’s Article: “Is Female Success Bad for Romantic Relationships?”)
Sometimes the men strong women let into their lives show their weaknesses by hating on their strengths.
A strong woman deserves a strong man, someone who will build her up when she’s falling apart, who will affirm her when she doubts herself and will cheer her on when she succeeds.
I say all of that to say this, just because you are a strong, independent, successful woman, doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes.
Just because you make those mistakes, doesn’t mean it’s okay to settle for mediocre when you know you deserve more.
Don’t be afraid to realize what’s happening in your relationship and make the decisions to do what’s best for you.
So tell me, what’s your story?
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Four years ago, completely spent, blood transfused into me in a frantic effort to allow me to walk, I lay on a hospital bed having given birth the day before. To the joy of my family, I had brought them a son. Blue balloons foretold a man in the making. Not just the apple of my eye, but the one who would one day open jam jars for me. The hero who would do the DIY and put out the rubbish. He who was born to be strong because he is male.
But then, physical strength can be defined in different ways. What I was yet to learn was that, beneath our skin, women bubble with a source of power that even science has yet to fully understand. We are better survivors than men. What’s more, we are born this way.
“Pretty much at every age, women seem to survive better than men,” says Steven Austad, an international expert on ageing, and chair of the biology department at the University of Alabama. For almost two decades, he has been studying one of the best-known yet under-researched facts of human biology: that women live longer than men. His longevity database shows that all over the world and as far back as records have been kept, women outlive men by around five or six years. He describes them as being more “robust”.
Robustness, toughness or pure power – whatever it’s called – this survival ability cracks apart the stereotype. The physically strong woman is almost a myth. We gaze upon great female athletes as though they’re other-worldly creatures. Greek legend could only imagine the Amazons, female warriors as powerful as men. They break the laws of nature. No, we everyday women, we have just half the upper body strength of men. We are six inches shorter, depending on where we live. We wield power, but it’s emotional and intellectual, we tell ourselves. It’s not in our bodies.
Not so, says Austad. He is among a small cadre of researchers who believe that women may hold the key to prolonging life. In extremely old age, the gap between the sexes becomes a glaring one.
According to a tally maintained by the global Gerontology Research Group, today, 43 people around the world are known to be living past the age of 110. Of these supercentenarians, 42 are women. Interviews with the world’s current oldest person, 117-year-old Violet Brown, who lives in Jamaica, reveal she enjoys eating fish and mutton. She once worked as a plantation worker. Her lifestyle betrays few clues as to how she has lived so long. But one factor we know has helped is being a woman.
Grey power: 42 of the 43 people over the age of 110 are women. Photograph: Phil Fisk/The Observer
Yet there is bizarrely little research to explain the biology behind this. What scientists do know is that this edge doesn’t emerge in later life. It is there from the moment a girl is born. “When we were there on the neonatal unit and a boy came out, you were taught that, statistically, the boy is more likely to die,” says Joy Lawn, director of the Centre for Maternal, Adolescent, Reproductive, and Child Health at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. She explains that, globally, a million babies die on the day of their birth every year.
But if they receive exactly the same level of care, males are statistically at a 10% greater risk than females. What makes baby girls so robust remains mostly a mystery. Research published in 2014 by scientists at the University of Adelaide suggests that a mother’s placenta may behave differently depending on the sex of the baby, doing more to maintain the pregnancy and increase immunity against infections. For reasons unknown, girls may be getting an extra dose of survivability in the womb.
Wherever it comes from, women seem to be shielded against sickness later on. “Cardiovascular disease occurs much earlier in men than women. The age of onset of hypertension also occurs much earlier in men than women. And there’s a sex difference in the rate of progression of disease,” says Kathryn Sandberg, director of the Centre for the Study of Sex Differences in Health, Ageing and Disease at Georgetown University.
Austad found that in the United States in 2010, women died at lower rates than men from 12 of the 15 most common causes of death, including cancer and heart disease, when adjusted for age. Of the three exceptions, their likelihood of dying from Parkinson’s or stroke was about the same. And they were more likely than men to die of Alzheimer’s disease. “Once I started investigating, I found that women had resistance to almost all the major causes of death,” he says.
Age of reason: Violet Brown, centre, the world’s oldest person, was born in Jamaica in 1900. Photograph: Raymond Simpson/AP
Even when it comes to everyday coughs and colds, women have the advantage. “If you look across all the different types of infections, women have a more robust immune response,” adds Sandberg. “If there’s a really bad infection, they survive better. If it’s about the duration of the infection, women will respond faster.” One explanation for this is hormones. Higher levels of oestrogen and progesterone could be protecting women in some way, not only by making our immune systems stronger, but also more flexible. This may help maintain a healthy pregnancy. A woman’s immune system is more active in the second half of her menstrual cycle, when she’s able to conceive.
On the downside, a powerful immune response also makes women more susceptible to autoimmune diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis and multiple sclerosis. The body is so good at fighting off infection that it attacks its own cells. And this may explain why women tend to report more pain and sickness than men. “This is one of the penalties of being a better survivor. You survive, but maybe not quite as intact as you were before,” says Austad. Another factor is simply that men are dying more. “Part of the reason there are more women than men around in ill health is to do with the fact that women have survived events that would kill men, so the equivalent men are no longer with us,” he adds.
When it comes to biological sex difference, though, everything isn’t always as it seems. At least some of the gaps in health and survival may be social, reflecting gender behaviour. Women may be more likely to seek medical help, for instance. Men may have less healthy diets or do more dangerous work. Nonetheless, Austad and Sandberg are convinced that nature accounts for a good deal of what we see.
If they are right, this raises a deeper scientific conundrum. Our bodies adapted over millennia to our environments. So what could it have been in our evolutionary past that gave the female body a little more of this magical robustness? How and why would one sex have developed a survival edge over the other?
Studies of hunter-gatherer societies, who live the way we all may have done before fixed settlements and agriculture, provide a few clues. Many anthropologists studying tribal communities in Africa, South America, Asia and Australia believe early humans lived fairly equal lives, sharing responsibility for food, shelter and raising children. The Flintstones model, with wife at home and husband bringing back the bacon, just doesn’t stand up. Instead, the evidence shows that women would have done at least the same physical work as men, but with the added burden of bearing children.
“There’s a general consensus now that hunting-gathering societies, while not perfectly egalitarian, were less unequal, particularly with regard to gender equality,” says Melvin Konner, professor of anthropology at Emory University in Atlanta, who has spent years doing fieldwork with hunter-gatherers in Africa. “Because of the scale of the group dynamics, it would be impossible for men to exclude women.”
The more research that is done, the more this is reinforced. Even hunting – that prototypical male activity – is being recast as a female one, too. Anthropologist Rebecca Bliege Bird, a professor at Pennsylvania State University, offers me the example of the Martu, an aboriginal tribe in Western Australia. “When Martu women hunt, one of their favourite prey are feral cats. It’s not a very productive activity, but it’s a chance for women to show off their skill acquisition.”
Keep on running: Paula Radcliffe continued to train through her two pregnancies. Photograph: Getty Images
Indeed, women are known to be particularly good at endurance running, notes Marlene Zuk, who runs a lab focusing on evolutionary biology at the University of Minnesota. In her 2013 book Paleofantasy, she writes that women’s running abilities decline extremely slowly into old age. They’ve been known to go long distances even while pregnant. In 2011, for example, Amber Miller ran the Chicago marathon before giving birth seven hours later. World record holder Paula Radcliffe has trained through two pregnancies.
Why, then, are we not all Amazons? Why do we imagine femininity to mean small, waif-like bodies? The lives of most ordinary women, outside the pages of magazines, destroy this notion. Visiting India’s cities, I see female construction workers lining the streets, hauling piles of bricks on their heads to building sites. In Kenya, I meet female security guards everywhere, patrolling offices and hotels. Out in rural areas, there are women doing hard physical labour, often hauling their children in slings. Our ancestors would have done the same.
In evolutionary terms, these were the circumstances under which our bodies were forged. For an enormous chunk of early human history, as we migrated through Africa to the rest of the world, women would also have travelled hundreds or thousands of miles, sometimes under extreme environmental conditions. “Just reproducing and surviving in these conditions, talk about natural selection!” I’m told by Adrienne Zihlman, an anthropologist at the University of California, Santa Cruz, when I visit her at her home in San Francisco.
Zihlman has dedicated her career to understanding human anatomy, and in particular the evolution of women’s bodies. “Women have to reproduce. That means being pregnant for nine months. They’ve got to lactate. They’ve got to carry these kids. There’s something about being a human female that was shaped by evolution. There’s a lot of mortality along the way that really can account for it.”
When I gave birth to my son, I did the most physically demanding thing a human can do. Yet I am considered the weaker sex. Zihlman reminds me that my body was made strong by the struggles of countless generations of women who went before. “There is something about the female form, the female psyche, just the whole package, that was honed over thousands and thousands, even millions, of years to survive,” she smiles. I happen to remember, in that moment, that at home I do all the DIY.
Myths and misses: five more things you didn’t know about women and men
Separate symptoms Women and men present different symptoms for the same medical conditions. Women are more likely to have insomnia and fatigue in the weeks before they have a heart attack, rather than the chest pain commonly experienced by men.
Changes of life Women in India, Japan and China experience far fewer menopause symptoms than western women who commonly report hot flushes, night sweats, depression and insomnia. Scientists at King’s College London argue this could be due to women lumping together their experience of growing older with the menopause.
Casual sex Women are choosier but not more chaste than men. A study by two German researchers, Andreas Baranowski and Heiko Hecht, found that women want casual sex just as much as men and were as likely as males to have sex with a stranger, as long as it was in a safe environment.
Boys’ toys A 2010 study by Professor Melissa Hines at the University of Cambridge found that girls on average were genetically predisposed to prefer dolls while boys liked to play with mechanical toys such as trains.
Risky business Testosterone is associated with higher levels of optimism, rather than aggression. Saliva samples taken from traders on the London Stock Exchange confirmed they had higher than average testosterone levels. Scientists from Britain, the USA and Spain concluded this increase made the traders more optimistic so more likely to take big financial risks.
Inferior: How Science Got Women Wrong – and the New Research That’s Rewriting the Story by Angela Saini is published by Fourth Estate at £12.99. To order a copy for £11.04, go to bookshop.theguardian.com
Main photograph: Acrobats JD and Nikki; Stylist Hope Lawrie; special effects make-up Julia Bowden
This is me letting you go
By Mitzi J Hernandez Updated February 21, 2019 Twenty20 / @amyjhumphries By Mitzi J Hernandez Updated February 21, 2019 Twenty20 / @amyjhumphries
Strong women are beautifully strong and powerful. They are beautiful creatures that many men admire from afar, but only very few are brave enough to date them.
Strong women have endured many battles that broke them but they learned to pick themselves up and never gave up. Their spirits are brave, their hearts are as strong as a stone on the outside but also soft on the inside. Their skin has grown thick from the many hits that they took.
Strong women got their strength by climbing out of dark and deep pits. They’ve swum in vicious waters without drowning. They have walked miles in treacherous forests but always found their way out. They are strong because they are survivors.
They have tenacious personalities that can be extremely intimidating. Their kind of intensity is difficult for some men to understand. They aren’t submissive. They aren’t people pleasers. They are strong-willed and bold.
It takes strong men to understand the emotional chaos that comes up with this type of women.
Strong women deserve men that are honest. They deserve men that will express how they feel and won’t hide anything. Men that will be able to take their opinion and not feel threatened or insulted. Men that will listen to them and will be eager to engage in constructive conversations. Men that are straight forward and sincere. Strong women like to have things cut and dry because they do not like things to be vague or ambiguous.
Strong women deserve men that know what they want. They have been hurt before and don’t have time for games. Strong women don’t waste their life in dead-end relationships; if they want to be with you, they’ll tell you. If not, they’ll let you know, wish you the best and move on. And they expect you to do the same, don’t try to drag them along or toy with their feelings.
Strong women deserve men that will respect their independence. They don’t want to be glued to a man because they have a life of their own. They deserve men that will understand that they will not always be available because they are always working on their careers and goals. Strong women deserve men that will support them and won’t hold them back.
Strong deserve men that have no fear of showing their vulnerability. They deserve men that can be open about their feelings and fears. Strong women are willing to share their fears and show their scars, and they want men that can do the same. It takes strength to be open and vulnerable- and only strong men can do that.
Strong women deserve men that are confident. Strong women do not have the time nor the energy to emotionally groom a man’s self-esteem. They deserve men that are secure within their abilities and are comfortable in their own skin.
Strong women deserve men that love hard. Strong women are very passionate and they love with everything they’ve got. They don’t do half-ass love. They don’t want mediocre love, they are searching for a strong connection. They aren’t just looking for someone to love; they’re looking for a soulmate. They want someone that will add value to their life. They want a deep connection and it takes strong men to go that deep.
Strong women deserve men that are emotionally strong. Not just physical strength but the strength that comes from the inside. Men that have the strength to stand tall with them in the face of adversity. They deserve men that can face any challenges head-on and won’t leave when life when rough. They deserve men that can navigate with them through oceans of uncertainty and madness. Strong women are not looking for a savior, they are looking for another warrior that is strong enough to fight the toughest battles alongside them and not for them.
Strong women deserve emotionally strong men to be there for them when they are tired. Strong women get tired of always having to be the strong ones- it’s plain exhausting. They deserve men that can provide comfort, whenever it’s needed. They deserve strong arms to hold them tightly when they are breaking apart. They want a set of lips that speak kind words that lift them when they are falling. They deserve men that understand that even the strongest women have weak moments. Strong women deserve men that are a bit stronger to pull them out the dark and bring out to the light when they can’t find their way out.
Strong women deserve men that will grow with them as they continue exploring the world.
Strong women deserve men that recognize and acknowledge their strengths and respect them for all that they are.
Strong women deserve men that will celebrate all their wins and will support them through their losses.
Strong women deserve emotionally strong men that can handle the intensity, fierceness, and independence that their strength portrays.
It takes emotionally strong men to handle the intelligence, honesty, love, and madness that a strong woman brings.
Lindsey & Tiger: Why Strong Women Date Weak Men
You’d think that 27 mistresses equals 27 glaring red flags-much like the ones alpine ski racer Lindsey Vonn expertly dodges on the giant slalom-to stay far, far away from Tiger Woods. Instead 28-year-old Vonn has chosen to ignore the embarrassing and highly disturbing facts, including the one about how she sorta resembles the 37-year-old’s blond ex-wife, Elin Nordegren.
Not to say that there’s no such thing as second chances or total redemption, but between this news and singer Rihanna getting back together with rapper Chris Brown, who infamously assaulted her in 2009, we can’t help but wonder: What is up with powerful women getting seduced by scummy men?
“The reason women tend to get stuck with charming narcissists, like the Tiger Woods and Chris Browns of the world, is because they catch them on a series of really good days,” says Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., an L.A.-based licensed clinical psychologist and author of the new book You Are Why You Eat. “Because these men are often super successful, they can treat you quite nicely, and that’s how you find yourself suddenly hooked on someone who’s a bastard.”
Once under his spell, these same women often tend to mistaken latent bad behavior-such as violence, verbal abuse, and infidelity-for passion. “It’s the old bait and switch,” Durvasula says. “When these guys are on, they’re on, but when they are off, forget about it.”
RELATED: Think you’ve met your match? Ask yourself five questions to tell if he’s “The One.”
Devil’s advocates may argue that Woods and Vonn are a perfect pair. Esquire writer Chris Jones even tweeted that they are a “match made in slogan heaven.” (Woods is endorse by Nike, whose slogan is “Just do it,” while Vonn is with Under Armour, which uses “I will.”) Perhaps what works for these high-profile athletes is that they may be cut from the same shiny, self-centered championship cloth.
“A lot of elite athletes have to be narcissists in order to dare to defy what’s considered by many to be inhumanly possible,” Durvasula says. “Often times, narcissists make great partners for each other because they’re playing the same games, so nobody feels like they’re missing out.” When it comes to celebs, in particular, any publicity is good publicity, so it’s win-win for both parties, she adds. In fact, as a power couple, being together just adds to their fabulous factor (probably what attracted Kim Kardashian to Kanye West), which makes the relationship more appealing. This is why movie stars date other movie stars.
RELATED: Scoring a new boyfriend is exciting, but before it goes any further, consider the top five questions to ask in a new relationship.
Because it’s easy to fall for a jerk-almost all of us do at some point-here are three signs Durvasula suggests watching out for to avoided getting lured in by a loser:
1. You’re Stuck in His World
You’re a few months in and he still hasn’t met your friends, but you see his buddies all the time. You seem to always eat at his favorite restaurants. And when you start talking about a tough day at work, he doesn’t quite seem engaged. “Pay attention to these things because it shows a lack of interest in you and a lack of connection,” Durvasula says. “A lot of people mistake that he just wants you to be part of his world, but this will be a problem in the long run.”
Love Him or Leave Him? “Communicate early on, without turning it into a yelling match, that you would love to have him get to know your friends and try your favorite foods in your part of town,” she says. “If bringing it up doesn’t result in him making slight changes, that’s your wake-up call.”
2. You Want to Change Him
The fantasy for most women is “I want to rescue him” and “I’m going to be his princess,” Durvasula says. “They get it in their head that they can help these men change for the better, but do you really want to be with someone who needs rescuing?”
Love Him or Leave Him? “Consider therapy if this relationship means that much to you, but otherwise, get the hell out of dodge,” she advises. “People can change up to a point but not as much as you might think.”
RELATED: Breaking up isn’t the end of the world. Learn five reasons good relationships go bad and your next one will be much better (we promise!).
3. You Feel Like a Doormat
It’s one thing if he’s late to a dinner party because he got stuck in traffic, but it’s another if he is consistently super tardy or blows off your plans altogether without giving you a heads up. What makes matters worse is that you would never do this to him-you show up to all his events, always on time.
Love Him or Leave Him? If you care about this relationship, you have to say something like, ‘I’m not comfortable with the fact that you’re always late,'” Durvasula says. It doesn’t need to be a bitch-fest; simply be honest and tell him it’s hurtful. Don’t wait for things to self-correct.
- By Cristina Goyanes