- Women & Health
- The scene may be a natural progression for “The L Word”
- More shows are beginning to dismantle the stigma around period sex by showing it casually on TV
- Female-to-female sexual transmission of HIV
- Heart health: Are women getting incorrect treatment?
- Obesity at the heart of it
- The estrogen advantage
- Lifestyle risks increase with age
- What can we do?
- I Want To Have Sex With Another Woman
- I thought it was “just a phase.”
- Are long-held fantasies ever really a phase?
- I don’t think I need a label, do I?
- What am I waiting for?
- I’m not sure if my fantasies are rooted in taboo or reality.
- I can’t deny this is at least partly about sex without a penis.
- I suspect our sexuality is much more fluid than we usually think.
- My Girlfriend Likes Another Woman
Women & Health
This report provides HIV seroprevalence data for women who are sexually active with women (WSW) choosing to access services in four of New York State’s counseling and testing programs from January 1993 to June 1994. During that period, these programs tested 27,370 women. When questioned about sexual activity since 1978, 3.7% of these women reported sexual activity exclusivelv with women. 5.3% re~orted sexual activitv with both women a d men and 90.1% report& sexual activity exclusively with men. HIV scrourevalence in women sexuallv active exclusively with womcn in this’sample was calculated at 3:0%, at 4.8% in women sexually active with both women and men and at 2.9% in women scxually active exclusively with men. According to the self-reported data in this study, injecting drug use is, by far, the predominant risk factor for seropositive WSW. Significant HIV-related public healWpreventative implications for WSW and their service providers are suggested by this data, including the need for prevention education targeted to WSW who are IDUs, the need to provide culturally sensitive education to WSW detailing safer sexual behaviors both with women and with men as well as the need for evaluation of all risk factors when providing risk reduction education to WSW.
Do lesbians have better sex than heterosexual women? Yes. Yes. Oh my God, yes! Women who sleep with women repeatedly report higher levels of sexual satisfaction in surveys and studies than women who have sex with men.
A Public Health England survey of more than 7,000 women last month found that half of respondents aged between 25 and 34 did not enjoy their sex life. The percentage dropped to 29% among 55- to 64-year-olds, suggesting that sex for women gets better with age.
Sue Mann, the public health consultant involved in the research, said: “Enjoying a fulfilling sex life is important for women’s mental and emotional wellbeing.” This is true, of course. Bizarrely, though, when asked about the breakdown of women’s sexualities in the study, PHE said it had not collected this information from respondents; instead, results were categorised by location, deprivation, ethnicity, religion, marital status and age.
But previous global research suggests that women who have sex with women are probably more likely to be in the half that did not report sexual dissatisfaction. A 2014 study by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that lesbians orgasmed 75% of the time during sex, compared with 61% for heterosexual women. The sexual orientation of men, however, did not appear to have much effect on their rates of orgasm – gay men reported coming 85% of the time, while for heterosexual men it was 86%.
A much larger study in 2017 of 53,000 Americans by the Kinsey Institute recorded slightly different numbers, but with the same trends. In this instance, lesbians reported coming 86% of the time during sex, as opposed to 65% for straight women. Straight men said they orgasmed 95% of the time.
So, where is lesbian sex going right for women where heterosexual sex is going wrong? “It’s simple,” says Matty Silver, a sexual health therapist based in Australia. “Lesbian women know where their clitoris is and know what to do with it to get an orgasm. They don’t need to show their lesbian partner what to do, which means their sexual satisfaction is higher.
“There are many men who believe they can give their partners an orgasm by just having intercourse,” she adds. “That only happens for 20% of all women. They often need clitoral stimulation, or oral sex, for it to happen. It is one of the reasons that many heterosexual women fake their orgasm.”
Silver says lesbian couples rarely visit her for counselling relating to sexual issues, but rather for general relationship queries, as with any couple.
Of course, anyone approaching sex for the first time will encounter a learning curve, but the anatomical familiarity of a woman sleeping with a woman rings true as integral to high levels of satisfaction.
Jessica Burgess, a 26-year-old playwright based in Brighton who has slept with men and women (and a cis man who then identified as genderqueer), says: “Women are at a huge advantage when it comes to knowing how to make other women feel good. They’ve done it before to themselves, numerous times. They know what a clit is and they have realistic expectations about how quickly women are able to reach orgasm.”
In 2008, 92% of female respondents to a survey said they masturbate – two-thirds of them up to three times a week. This is a leap from 74% in 1993 and 62% in 1953, when women were probably lying, or abiding by sexually repressive codes.
Alongside the sexologist Betty Dodson, Carlin Ross runs a feminist-centred sexual education charity with the tagline: “Better Orgasms. Better World.” Their website features tips, sex-toy reviews, workshops on overcoming negative body image and pleasure anxiety, and Betty’s sketches of the six different “vulva styles” (variations include “baroque”, “gothic”, “Renaissance” and “modern”). The key to sexual satisfaction, whether same-sex or heterosexual, is masturbation, Ross says.
“The absolute best way to improve your sex life is to improve your masturbation practice,” she says. “When we know how to give ourselves an orgasm, we know how to communicate our sexual needs to our partners. It seems counterintuitive, but improving our relationship with ourselves improves our relationships with others – and our sexual gratification.
“What this means is practising consciousness masturbation. Blocking out an hour for ourselves. Getting some good natural oil that will increase sensation. Touching our lubricated genitals and then practising clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration at the same time.”
But it is not just about getting the practice in. Jessica says that women tend to be better at listening and communicating in bed (and perhaps outside of the bedroom, too – it is not clear whether those abundant news stories about women speaking thousands more words a day than men stand up, but understanding and empathy are areas in which women excel). There is a strong emotional connection between women, too.
Alice Martin, a 20-year-old trans lesbian, says the same. “As a woman having sex with another woman, it’s a completely mind-bending experience. The mix of care, love, romance, pleasure, emotion and intensity is something that I never experienced with men.”
One of the biggest culprits for this may be the amount of pornography made for and marketed to straight men. A headline in the Daily Telegraph last year declared that “All men watch porn”, after a university study in the US. “We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography,” said Prof Simon Louis Lajeunesse at the time. “We couldn’t find any.”
According to the study, 90% of pornography consumption was online, with 10% of men going to video stores (who knew they still existed?). In 2015, more than 2bn web searches were pornography-related and pornography sites are often measured as more popular than social networks. It is not only heterosexual men who watch pornography, but the women I speak to who have slept with women and men note pornography’s negative influence in their experience of heterosexual sex. These women do not watch lesbian-categorised pornography because, leaving aside an emerging market for pornography made exclusively by women, lesbian pornography is mostly aimed at men.
Burgess does not watch pornography precisely for this reason. In fact, in real life, there is a psychological advantage that comes with same-sex activity, in that you are making an active choice to own your sexuality. Or, as Jessica puts it: “Women get the real me, and I almost always experience an honest connection that allows me to be fully present and relaxed.”
Then there is simple biology. When men ejaculate, most need to take a breather for their erection to make a comeback (this is known as the “refractory period”). On the other hand, women can orgasm in waves. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings – double that of the penis glans – and its sole purpose appears to be providing pleasure. Women’s orgasms last for an average of 20 seconds, while men’s last eight. The most orgasms recorded in an hour for a woman is 134 (16 for a man). This makes it especially sad that so many heterosexual women are reporting understimulating sex lives.
So, for those women who are not coming endlessly – how can they improve their sex lives, whoever they may be with? As well as Ross’s advice to masturbate a lot, the Kinsey Institute recommends more oral sex, better relationships, “sexy talk”, asking for what you want in bed and trying new positions, among other things.
Ross also recommends engaging your mind in sexual fantasies and listening to erotica podcasts. Then there is copious “cliterature” and the boom in sex toys. In 2016, the online sex toy retailer Lovehoney recorded a 68% growth in profits (it is possible there was a Fifty Shades of Grey effect).
But when it comes down to it, women have better sex with women because they understand each others’ physicality, communicate better, focus more on areas such as the clitoris – knocking penetration from its pedestal – and are more likely to focus on their partner’s pleasure. Keep at it to improve, Ross suggests: “Sex begets more sex.” And, hopefully, better sex.
HERO IMAGES / GETTY IMAGES
Recently, I was on the phone with my best friend, and the subject of women we find attractive came up. Talking about sexuality has become a normal part of our conversation — I came out as gay a few months ago after having identified as bisexual since I was a teenager. She’s 100 percent straight, but even she can appreciate the attractiveness of a woman, be it visually or sexually.
“I’d totally have sex with Rihanna,” she told me and, of course, I agreed wholeheartedly. I mean, Rihanna is fucking gorgeous; you’d be a fool to pass up an opportunity to have sex with her.
Of course, there is a very slim chance of my bestie or me ever getting the opportunity to have sex with Rihanna. But it was interesting to me that she talked about her sexual attraction to another woman so casually.
I had never really talked to any of my friends who identify as straight about their sexual feelings towards other women before. Part of me wondered if maybe I just surround myself by women who are more sexually fluid, but another part wondered if there was something more at play. Turns out my bestie isn’t an anomaly — there are a lot of women out there who identify as straight but also admit to having sexual attractions to women.
According to a 2011 study conducted by researchers at Boise State University, 60 percent of women who identify as heterosexual (straight) have admitted to being sexually attracted to another woman. 484 women were questioned for the study, and the numbers show that a higher amount of women than expected have sexual ideations about other women in one way or another.
Of the women who participated in the study, 45% of women admitted to kissing another woman. There are many women out there who can and will admit to experimenting sexually with women in their younger days. Kissing is usually as far as it goes, and it may not always be more than just a drunken makeout session during a college party, but it’s still significant.
“Even among people who identify as heterosexual, there is a lot of variation in who they fantasize being with, who they’re attracted to, and who they actually engage in sexual activity with,” Elizabeth Morgan, the Boise State University professor of psychology who conducted the study, said in an interview with You Beauty back in 2011.
It’s worth mentioning that 50% of the women in the study admitted to fantasizing about a woman. During our conversation, my bestie also told me: “The naked female body is way more aesthetically pleasing than the male body.” I obviously agree. And I’ve seen more men naked sexually than I have women.
This is probably why straight women tend to be more interested in watching “lesbian” porn (I use the quotes because even most lesbian porn isn’t made for those who identify as lesbians.) Partially because straight porn (with a man and a woman) is so absurd to watch. Lesbian-labeled porn focuses more on the pleasure of a woman, which we know straight porn very rarely does. According to a PornHub survey from 2015/2016, “lesbian” porn is the most searched for type of porn for women in the United States. Women want to see the way they experience pleasure mirrored back to them rather than watching some dude with a veiny penis spraying a woman in the face like his penis is a firehose.
So, how does age factor into this? Well, we all know that sexuality is fluid, and sometimes that fluidity becomes more obvious later in life. During the 2017 North American Menopause Society annual meeting, later in life sexual fluidity was a talking point.
“We know of a number of women who have been in perfectly happy marriages with men, they raised a family, and at some point—in their 40s or so—they find themselves unexpectedly falling in love with a woman, without ever having thought that was possible,” Sheryl Kingsberg, PhD, division chief of ob-gyn behavioral medicine at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center and then incoming president of NAMS told Health.
And not just love, but sexual desire. Only a few days after talking to my best friend, another friend of mine brought up her sexual fantasies about women in conversation. This friend is happily married and has children, but told me that she gets older, her desire to be with a woman sexually grows.
Dr. Lisa Diamond, a psychologist from the University of Utah, told the Daily Mail, “‘We don’t know if fluidity is more likely at certain life stages than others. But one of the things we have observed is that individuals, but especially women, go through changes that give them a little more freedom.”
There is no concrete reason as to why many straight women feel confident to admit to these sexual feelings towards other women (and/or act on them) as they age, but it might have something to do with the fact that once you reach a certain age, you just don’t give a fuck anymore. Living the life that you want to live is one of the best parts of aging.
I don’t know if either of my friends will ever actually do anything more than fantasize about women, but the reality is that women are allowing themselves to become more sexually fluid. It’s hard to know if it’s because sexuality fluidity has become more socially acceptable in recent years, or simply because we learn to love who we are more as we age.
But no matter the reason, if you have ever felt these feelings, you’re not necessarily a lesbian, there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re certainly not alone.
Related: 5 Ways It’s Hard to Be a Lesbian Mother
caption Actress Jennifer Beals visits the Build Series to discuss the Showtime television drama “The L Word: Generation Q” at Build Studio. source Gary Gershoff / Contributor
- “The L Word: Generation Q,” the highly-anticipated reboot of the early aughts lesbian television drama “The L Word,” premiered Sunday.
- The opening scene portrayed two women having sex while one is on their period, a sexual taboo rarely portrayed on television.
- The scene suggests the showtime reboot will be more progressive than the original, which also addressed social stigmas and issues around queerness.
- It’s also a departure from the gory historical portrayals of periods in TV and film, representing a shift in the industry, which is beginning to incorporate menstruation as a casual plot detail.
- Visit Insider’s homepage for more stories.
Sunday’s premiere of “The L Word: Generation Q” opened with a bloody bang – literally.
The highly-anticipated reboot of the early aughts lesbian television drama “The L Word” showed two women having period sex in its first scene – challenging a sexual taboo most television series haven’t dared to touch within its first 30 seconds.
The shot opens on Dani Núñez, played by Arienne Mandi, and Sophie Suarez, played by Rosanny Zayas, engaging in cunnilingus in bed while Suarez is on her period. The scene incorporates small details like blood residue on nails and Núñez wiping her face.
The scene suggests the reboot will be more progressive than the original, and represents a departure from some of the more grandiose depictions of period sex and periods in general in television and film.
The scene may be a natural progression for “The L Word”
The original “L Word” series shocked mainstream television audiences when it premiered in 2004 for its open portrayal of lesbian sex and was known for attempting to destigmatize social taboos. It also challenged certain social and political issues at the time, like the Defense of Marriage Act and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
But, like most media at the time, periods remained untouched. Of the 111 sex scenes of the original series, most of which were between cisgender queer women, no “L Word” episode contained actual period sex or even the mention of it.
But in a post-DOMA world with more open conversations about reproductive health than ever before, a queer period sex scene might be a natural evolution for the show. It suggests “The L Word: Generation Q” will be the more progressive version of the original, which was also criticized for its transphobia, biphobia, and overall stereotypical portrayal of people of color.
caption More shows and movies are incorporating menstruation into plot lines. source Crystal Cox/Business Insider
More shows are beginning to dismantle the stigma around period sex by showing it casually on TV
Other shows have portrayed periods and period sex, but historically, they’re gory and exaggerated. For example , the 1976 horror movie “Carrie” includes a gruesome period scene and the 1980 film “Blue Lagoon” shows the character getting her period acting like she’s been severely injured.
The CW series “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” attempted to poke fun at the squeamishness around periods and portrayed a song about period sex that was so graphic certain parts had to be censored for television in 2017, according to the Huffington Post.
But the more subtle representation of menstruation in “The L Word: Generation Q” represents a shift in the industry. More shows and movies are beginning to challenge the idea that menstruation is something to be ashamed of and standing up to the taboo.
ABC series “Black-ish” used character Diane’s first period to have an open conversation about womanhood and femininity in her family, and “No Strings Attached” portrays a male love interest casually caring for the woman he’s seeing while she’s on her period.
Such portrayals of menstruation may prompt more conversations about periods and reduce the stigma around them, which can benefit everyone’s reproductive health.
- Bella Thorne posted photos of herself dancing in a bikini because she was so ‘excited’ she got her period
- 8 myths about having sex while on your period that you need to stop believing
- 7 myths about queer sex you should stop believing now
Female-to-female sexual transmission of HIV
- The risk of female-to-female sexual transmission is extremely rare, with only a handful of reported cases.
- HIV-positive women who identify as lesbian may have acquired HIV through injecting drug use or sex with men.
- Transmission is possible through sharing of sex toys and exposure to blood during sex.
When considering the issue of female-to-female sexual transmission it is important to draw a distinction between the risk of transmission by this route and diagnoses of HIV infection in women who identify as lesbian. There have been only six reported cases of woman-to-woman sexual transmission, and these reports need to be viewed with the same caution as any other case reports of transmission through oral sex (cunnilingus).
In the early years of the epidemic, investigations of the source of infection in US women failed to identify any cases of female-to-female transmission. For example, a 1992 follow-up of all 144 women identified as HIV-positive through the blood donation services in the US interviewed 106 women, and identified only three who had had sex with women. All of these women had other risk factors: either injecting drug use or vaginal intercourse with men (Chu).
An Italian study of 18 HIV-discordant lesbian couples who had been monogamous partners for at least three months prior to recruitment and who were followed for six months found no seroconversions occurred during this period. Three-quarters of the couples reported sharing sex toys and virtually all couples reported oral sex (Raiteri).
In 2003 a case report of female-to-female sexual HIV transmission was published. Doctors suggest the woman may have been infected through sharing sex toys after drug-resistance tests found striking similarities between the genotypes of the woman and her female HIV-positive partner (Kwakwa).
The case concerns a 20-year-old woman who presented with HIV infection having had a negative HIV test result six months earlier. The woman had been in a monogamous lesbian relationship for the past two years, and denied having had any other sexual partners, male or female. She had never injected drugs or received blood products, and had no tattoos or body piercings. The couple’s sexual practices included the sharing of sex toys, and oral sex. These activities did not occur during menstruation, but sex toys had occasionally been used vigorously enough to draw blood.
Her bisexual partner was known to be HIV positive, and is believed to be the source of infection because of similarities observed when the two women underwent genotypic drug-resistance tests. The 20-year-old woman was infected with multidrug-resistant HIV.
The investigators noted that this is the “first reported case of female-to-female sexual transmission of HIV supported by identification of similar HIV genotypes in the source patient and the recipient”.
In 2014, a further case report was published, on this occasion supported by phylogenetic analysis, which showed that the genetic sequences of the viruses infecting the two women were highly related (Chan).
The report concerns a 46-year-old woman who appears to have acquired HIV during a six-month monogamous HIV serodiscordant sexual relationship with a 43-year-old woman. She had had a negative antibody test a few weeks before seroconversion illness and diagnosis.
Her female partner had been previously diagnosed with HIV but had dropped out of medical care and was not receiving antiretroviral therapy. The newly diagnosed woman had no other recent risk factors for HIV, such as heterosexual intercourse, injecting drug use, or more unusual modes of HIV transmission such as tattooing, acupuncture, transfusion or transplant.
Refers to the mouth, for example a medicine taken by mouth.
A drug-resistant HIV strain is one which is less susceptible to the effects of one or more anti-HIV drugs because of an accumulation of HIV mutations in its genotype. Resistance can be the result of a poor adherence to treatment or of transmission of an already resistant virus.
Kissing, licking or sucking another person’s genitals, i.e. fellatio, cunnilingus, a blow job, giving head.
An aspect of personal behaviour or lifestyle, an environmental exposure, or a personal characteristic that is thought to be associated with an infection or a medical condition.
Describes the medical history of a single patient.
The couple reported routinely having unprotected oral and vaginal contact and using insertive sex toys that were shared between them. They described their sexual contact as at times rough to the point of inducing bleeding and contact with menstrual blood.
The last two case reports both involved sharing of sex toys and exposure to blood during sex.
Heart health: Are women getting incorrect treatment?
Recent research suggests that ignoring sex-specific risk factors of heart disease has resulted in women having a higher risk of dying from heart failure than men.
Share on PinterestDifferences between men and women may mean that the latter do not receive the right treatment for heart conditions.
A review published in Nature Medicine reveals an alarming failure to successfully treat cardiometabolic disorders, such as diabetes, heart disease, and stroke, in women.
The authors urge health services to consider the biological differences between men and women when treating heart disease.
The review, by Prof. Eva Gerdts, of the University of Bergen, in Norway, and Prof. Vera Regitz-Zagrosek, of the Charité Universitätsmedizin Berlin, in Germany, compares the common risk factors for both sexes.
“Men and women have different biologies, and this results in different types of the same heart diseases. It is about time to recognize these differences.”
Prof. Eva Gerdts
The authors summarize the results of over 18 major studies that have explored the causal factors of heart disease in each sex.
The overwhelming finding was that women are more at risk of receiving the wrong treatment because health service professionals fail to spot symptoms or risk factors that are unique to women.
Obesity at the heart of it
Recent research has substantiated fears that the global rise in cardiometabolic disorders is linked to obesity. Meanwhile, fresh evidence suggests that obesity and associated damage to the heart occur differently in men and women.
Global figures show that obesity in women is on the rise, and as Prof. Gerdts’ review explains, women store fat differently from men. The mechanisms behind this process combine to create an increased risk of type 2 diabetes and heart disease.
“If we see this from a life span perspective, we can see that obesity increases with age and that this trend is greater for women than men. Obesity increases the risk of having high blood pressure by a factor of three. This, in turn, increases the risk of heart disease,” explains Prof. Gerdts.
The estrogen advantage
The hormone estrogen works to impede metabolic syndrome by preventing connective tissue from forming in the heart. This also helps keep blood pressure stable.
But the decrease in estrogen that occurs during menopause can increase the risk of arterial stiffening and subsequent disease.
This helps explain an increase in hypertension among women over 60. In men, meanwhile, hypertension is more common before the age of 60.
Lifestyle risks increase with age
Socioeconomic status and lifestyle factors also play a role in cardiovascular risk discrepancies.
The researchers highlight the fact that, around the world, women are more likely to experience low levels of education, low income, and joblessness, and that studies have associated each of these factors with diabetes and depression — two major contributing factors for heart disease.
Meanwhile, the adverse effects of unhealthful habits, such as smoking — which is on the rise in women — multiply as we age. This can lead to high blood pressure, which can cause heart failure if a person does not receive treatment.
“For women, the effects of risk factors such as smoking, obesity, and high blood pressure increase after menopause,” says Prof. Gerdts.
What can we do?
Prof. Gerdts hopes to incite action among the medical community; she calls for healthcare providers to place more emphasis on sex differences when treating cardiometabolic disorders.
“Heart disease remains among the most common cause of death and reduced quality of life in women. Medically speaking, we still do not know what the best treatment for heart attack or failure is in many women. It is an unacceptable situation.”
Prof. Eva Gerdts
The present study highlights an imbalance in available research, in an effort to pave the way for further work.
The outlook is promising if we consider that cardiac arrest — which is more common in men — is now treatable and preventable. If the same resources and research were applied to the factors that put women at risk of heart failure, perhaps similarly effective interventions could be developed in the near future.
In the meantime, it is important for healthcare providers to help women in high-risk groups lower their blood pressure, reduce the risk or effects of obesity, and put quitting smoking at the top of their list of 2020 goals, if necessary.
I Want To Have Sex With Another Woman
Back when I was briefly married, but not having sex, I started fantasizing about being with a woman. Unfortunately, this was also around the time of the overly hyped up kisses between girls on One Tree Hill and The OC.
As a horny newlywed who was not getting any due to vaginismus, I began writing fanfic and erotica. I became a voracious reader of steamy online stories written by strangers too.
Most of the storylines revolved around two young women playing out my own personal (and hidden) sexual desires.
My female fantasies were taboo yet strangely comforting. I stayed up late to watch Talk Sex with Sue Johansson along with some softcore porn show for women that might have been called Bliss.
My husband never knew about these habits, and I certainly never told him about my thoughts. Our biggest foray into any remotely queer entertainment was catching up on Buffy reruns before the final season aired.
I thought it was “just a phase.”
Fifteen, sixteen years ago, my generation didn’t seem to view sexuality as something fluid or on any spectrum. You were either this label or that. Gay, straight, maybe bisexual.
One of the most popular guys in my high school was supposedly bi. When he asked me out in ninth grade I declined because I didn’t think I could hide dating someone like him from my mom. He was more experienced and gritty than me, though practically everybody was since I was still stuck in so many of my evangelical ways. Not to mention my mother wasn’t a far stretch from the mother in Stephen King’s Carrie.
I liked him, but I was too scared to date him because his status as a bisexual made him taboo in my mind.
Having queer friends and classmates wasn’t the same thing as having queer fantasies myself. In high school and college, I was curious about sex in general, but I never had fantasies about being with a woman until I tried (and failed) to have penetrative sex.
Are long-held fantasies ever really a phase?
My female fantasies surprised me as soon as they first popped up. At first, I chalked them up to the sexual dissatisfaction in my marriage. And of course, this was during a resurgence of “lesbian kiss episodes” on TV.
But the fantasies didn’t stop once I recovered from vaginismus and began to enjoy penetrative intercourse with men.
It’s true that my queer fantasies tend to dissipate some when I feel sexually satisfied with a male partner, but they have never completely gone away. That’s what really surprised me. A couple of years ago, I started thinking that maybe this was never a phase.
Maybe this was always me after all.
I don’t think I need a label, do I?
In the past, I have considered myself heterosexual or possibly bicurious, but generally hetero because I have never felt individually attracted to any individual woman.
So, I’ve had no girl crushes… okay, except for actress Sarah Rue. But I’m not positive if it’s genuine attraction or simply wishing I was so fucking adorable. It could be the latter.
When other women have propositioned me on FetLife or what have you, I haven’t been interested in them. But also, there’s typically a husband or boyfriend involved and that’s not my thing since I don’t want to be some random couple’s unicorn.
There’s also the issue of being demisexual, so I’m rarely attracted to anyone. Even men.
So, if I’m honest with myself these days, I don’t think I need a label to enjoy having sex with other women. But I also don’t know if I really do enjoy it.
I’m open to possibilities.
What am I waiting for?
Clearly, we live in incredible times for individuals who want to explore their sexuality and ditch the labels altogether. At the same time, we’re not there yet with social justice for queer people. I can’t help but feel privileged because I have the option to hide my fantasies and pursue heterosexual encounters alone. Some folks don’t have that luxury.
And a few years ago, I did have one threesome with a man and a woman. While it was interesting, I didn’t feel attraction to that particular woman. I’m glad I did it, but it also didn’t satisfy my curiosity or fantasy at all.
Nearly every time I have a solo sex session, I wind up feeling especially horny to get it on with another woman. And to this day, girl-on-girl porn makes me wetter than ever watching a man and a woman on screen. To be honest, seeing men and women have sex does pretty much nothing for me.
But watching two women kiss and hunger for each other? That stirs up something deep within me.
I’m not sure if my fantasies are rooted in taboo or reality.
When I say I fantasize about having sex with a woman, I’m not just talking about any woman, and not just in any old way.
I keep wanting to experience sex with another woman who wouldn’t mind teaching me. A woman who would want to go down on me despite my timidity and full bush.
A woman who would take her time with me to really make love to me… knowing it takes me time to release my inhibitions.
Personally, that seems like a lot to ask of anyone. I’ve seen Kissing Jessica Stein and I know how it ends. I understand the awkwardness when Ms. Stein had no qualms receiving oral sex, yet felt squeamish to give it herself.
And I worry a lot about being selfish. (I also wonder how many men worry about selfishness in their own fantasies.)
Of course, some fantasies feel more selfish than others. Group sex interests me. I’ve got one certain fantasy about being serviced (for lack of a better word) by three women at once. One would be eating my pussy while two other women sucked my tits. Of course, I wouldn’t mind vaginal penetration at the same time.
It’s a nice little fantasy that I wouldn’t mind coming to fruition, but have no expectations of actually happening. The main thing that makes me uncomfortable about it is the fact that I would never want to treat people like sexual objects there to serve me.
Once again, I suppose that’s the demisexual in me. Just sex is never my thing, so why do I have these long-running sexual fantasies I can’t shake?
I can’t deny this is at least partly about sex without a penis.
While I do believe I’d be up for another threesome with the right kind of man and woman for me, the truth is that I’d much rather enjoy these sexual encounters with another woman completely removed from the male gaze.
Knowing that I don’t need a penis for incredible orgasms, just attention to my clit and maybe some fisting… I think it’s more than time to try a thoroughly female exploration.
But we’re talking about fantasies that are close to two decades old. And it’s no secret that I’ve had a ton of sexual hangups that took years for me to overcome just to start enjoying sex with men.
I suspect our sexuality is much more fluid than we usually think.
Last night, I had a dream that made me decide to write about my sexual fantasies. I’ve touched upon them in the past, but today I wanted to be much more explicit. As embrrassing as that may be.
So many of us have been conditioned to believe that sex is bound by arbitrary labels. Or, we feel bound by various stigmas. To be honest, I’ve felt a ton of stigma about being a mother with practically any sexual urges.
It doesn’t matter that my daughter always comes first or that my sexual life has been largely on hold since she was born. Coming from a strict evangelical upbringing means I still hear the judgmental voices run through my mind.
Many stories by Elle Beau and Emma Austin have helped me deal with the weird mom guilt. I see two wonderful moms who are opening up about their own sexual experiences with men and women. Reading other moms who talk about their sex lives helps me feel less weird, more human.
But I can’t help but think that more honesty about our sexual fantasies could make a positive difference for men and women alike. Too many people have been taught that their sexual kinks or desires are disgusting or peculiar when maybe they just need to talk it out and explore themselves further.
I can’t say that I’m going to explore any of these fantasies anytime soon, but I am at more peace knowing that these desires are likely here to stay.
RALEIGH, N.C. (WNCN) – A Raleigh woman faces felony charges after police said she secretly recorded another woman having sex and then shared the images, warrants say.
Chelsea Barbery Fleggas, 29, faces charges of felony disclose private images of an adult, felony possessing photographic image from peeping, felony disseminating image obtained by peeping, and misdemeanor secret peeping.
Warrants say Fleggas secretly put a cellphone in another woman’s home and recorded that woman on Oct. 2 while she was “engaged in sexual conduct.”
Fleggas recorded the woman with the intent to harass her and shared the images without the other woman’s consent, warrants say.
Fleggas was arrested Sunday night and posted bond.
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My Girlfriend Likes Another Woman
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend is attracted to this common friend of ours. We’re all Facebook friends and I’ve been able to watch this thing grow. She denies it but I can see it. Our friend finally wrote me and asked if ”Sara” was OK. She’s bi and my girl has had no interest at all in women before but there’s a first time for everything. I’ve tried talking about it just to get things out in the open, but she’s resisting, which makes it suckier and harder. I can’t figure out if she’s lying to herself or just me. But I know I need and want this to stop. Suggestions? — Hans
Dear Helping Hans: My experience has left me knowing that you can’t stop anything much less the acts or actions of someone who may be lying to themselves. It’s a terrible game of wack-a-mole with you identifying irksome behaviors, she denies those same behaviors, and repeat up to and possibly through her affair with your friend. Leaving you very stark choices. The good news is those are the same choices you have now: leave immediately leaving her free to pursue your friend OR haul the friend in for a girl-boy-girl threesome.
And before you start celebrating know that as threesomes go, the girl-boy-girl threesome is a much harder more delicate deal than a boy-girl-boy one. Twice the number of things could go wrong and at the outer limits of sucky is them just asking you to leave. Bringing you right back around to your first choice: leaving. Which I’m going to suggest you use as your last choice. I mean this could just be a phase. You could luck your way into a threesome you don’t get thrown out of. Anything could happen. Which makes this much cooler than leaving to a future of much less interesting predicaments.
EUGENE, SIR: Porn had become part of our sex life a few months ago. We’d turn it on. Have sex with it on. But it started to feel weird to me and I started to wonder why we never had sex without it. I tried to not turn it on one time we were about to have sex and she demanded after a while that we put it on. I know some people like to smoke weed before they have sex, some like to have a few drinks but what’s going on in her head that this has become part of what WE do? I have not noticed any trends to the porn we watch when we do it but the fact that I am thinking about this instead of enjoying sex is making me not enjoy sex. What does this mean? — TV Eye?
Dear Picture Imperfect: Jags are a drag. A friend of mine had a boyfriend who used to like to dress them up in pirate gear before screwing. The first few times this seemed daring and dangerous even. Aaarghhh and shiver me timbers and all the rest of that. At the very least it seemed new and novel. Until it didn’t anymore.
So I understand where you are but while I understand where you are I can’t understand why you haven’t been able to think your way out of this one. There’s a saying about it being better to light a candle than to curse the darkness and while you’re cursing the darkness I am going to suggest you change the paradigm and instead of watching strangers having sex while you have sex that you submit that it’d be much more hot to watch the two of you having sex while you’re having sex.
Some people use mirrors for this. Some use cameras. You should use a camera for a total Gödel, Escher, Bach experience. You film the two of you having sex and then later watch the video of you two having sex while you have sex. She gets whatever thrill emerges from the visual witchcraft of high def and you get the emotional assurance that she still finds you sexy.
This could, of course, go horribly, horribly wrong but that’s what I am here for.
A More Public Poking
EUGENE, SIR: Everyone thinks public sex is so adventurous but the dirt, the cold, the fear of discovery does absolutely nothing for me. My boyfriend loves it and I’m trying to be a trooper about it but the appeal just escapes me. What the hell is wrong with a bed anyway? — L.B.
Dear The Great Outdoors: I knew a guy once whose girlfriend was into wigs. Like, seriously, into wigs. She’d get a new one, he’d go crazy. Come crawling back all beat to hell and saying, “it’s like a new woman every night.” So, viva la difference. If you always screw in a bed, screwing some place other than the bed will add something. At the very least it’ll show that you think about your lovemaking from a position of production values. Which makes all the difference in the world. The small things. The details.
A switch of scenery could help is what I am saying. Especially since you can ameliorate the parts of it that you do not like. Bring a blanket against the cold. Find a place where getting discovered is less than likely and here’s some good advice for any sexual encounter: relax. Of course one of the least relaxing things in the world is someone TELLING you to relax, but give it a try. You might develop a taste for it. And if not? Feel free to dial it back, dial it back. I mean you tried. Which, in the end, is all you can do.